sussing out the specifics from a wierd - but not bad - day

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I learned a little more about myself today. As of yesterday I have what will hopefully remain a slight cold. I think I fell into some old habits, that often lead to eating, and I am trying to write about them so that I can identify what is going on more specifically. Specifics help me to change!
I had a busy morning with dentist and research meetings and such, and in the early afternoon I came home, felt tired and sick. So I "took a break" and 7 hour later, I am still here, on the couch. It would not be a big deal, but I am listing my house tomorrow, and had taken this time away from my research project to get it ready so that tomorrow is not such a crazy day.
Although I think it is important to be kind to myself, I think that somewhere along the way being kind to myself became more about limiting myself instead of genuinely caring. To clarify, it seems like I am a little quick to say oh, I feel a little sick, I can't function (when I functioned fine all morning and did my running workout) - this has also been a challenge for me with sleep.
I know that sleep is important, and I try to be good about it. However, that tenet somehow got translated into a way to limit myself! Basically, if I don't get the "right" amount of sleep, I get very anxious and feel that I won't be at my best - and that may be true, as it is for anyone. But I DECIDE I am a wreck who will function poorly before the day even starts.
So, to summarize the above, I have predictive thoughts instead of waiting to see what the day will bring, and when the prediction comes true (because I have decided that is how the day will be) I get angry at myself for not performing well.
Ok, so how does this lead to eating? The sick thing - and the "break," lead to boredom and anger at myself as I procrastinate. So then I eat to fend off the boredom.
Additionally, the "break" is not really restorative as it is procrastinatory - often a way for me to avoid dealing with something. For example, I was thinking today about how sad I would be to leave this house and my mentors here, even though I wanted to return to the west - then a few hours later, I make a choice that might seem to stop that change (selling house and moving) from occurring.
Finally, as I have noted before, I used to choose food as a reward. This idea of illness or of over-tiredness has been - for decades - another way I justify making poor food choices. I am sick or I am tired, so I need a treat...
But here is the good news - although today was not the most productive day, I did not binge. In fact, as I was thinking of buying fruity sugary drinks and sorbet and easter candy because I was sick, for probably the first time I thought about how that would derail my food plan. And I chose not to do it. And I chose to do my workout.
And I choose to keep on going forward!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    chinadash says "I thought you were going to get into that real cool vintage suit" ?Im glad you got back on the exerccise wheel.
    Sending you a goodie, cool off and sleep and not fret and eat.
    3580 days ago
    Good for you on not over eating. The good thing is that this is a place to work out those issues so you can make good choices most of the time. You have a lot going on now, so be good to yourself!

    3585 days ago
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