sussing out the specifics from a wierd - but not bad - day
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I learned a little more about myself today. As of yesterday I have what will hopefully remain a slight cold. I think I fell into some old habits, that often lead to eating, and I am trying to write about them so that I can identify what is going on more specifically. Specifics help me to change!
I had a busy morning with dentist and research meetings and such, and in the early afternoon I came home, felt tired and sick. So I "took a break" and 7 hour later, I am still here, on the couch. It would not be a big deal, but I am listing my house tomorrow, and had taken this time away from my research project to get it ready so that tomorrow is not such a crazy day.
Although I think it is important to be kind to myself, I think that somewhere along the way being kind to myself became more about limiting myself instead of genuinely caring. To clarify, it seems like I am a little quick to say oh, I feel a little sick, I can't function (when I functioned fine all morning and did my running workout) - this has also been a challenge for me with sleep.
I know that sleep is important, and I try to be good about it. However, that tenet somehow got translated into a way to limit myself! Basically, if I don't get the "right" amount of sleep, I get very anxious and feel that I won't be at my best - and that may be true, as it is for anyone. But I DECIDE I am a wreck who will function poorly before the day even starts.
So, to summarize the above, I have predictive thoughts instead of waiting to see what the day will bring, and when the prediction comes true (because I have decided that is how the day will be) I get angry at myself for not performing well.
Ok, so how does this lead to eating? The sick thing - and the "break," lead to boredom and anger at myself as I procrastinate. So then I eat to fend off the boredom.
Additionally, the "break" is not really restorative as it is procrastinatory - often a way for me to avoid dealing with something. For example, I was thinking today about how sad I would be to leave this house and my mentors here, even though I wanted to return to the west - then a few hours later, I make a choice that might seem to stop that change (selling house and moving) from occurring.
Finally, as I have noted before, I used to choose food as a reward. This idea of illness or of over-tiredness has been - for decades - another way I justify making poor food choices. I am sick or I am tired, so I need a treat...
But here is the good news - although today was not the most productive day, I did not binge. In fact, as I was thinking of buying fruity sugary drinks and sorbet and easter candy because I was sick, for probably the first time I thought about how that would derail my food plan. And I chose not to do it. And I chose to do my workout.
And I choose to keep on going forward!