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why i want to be thin. and its not for my health.

Monday, March 22, 2010

i got in four hours on the bike.
i also made a few decisions.
i hate--loathe--doing standing abs on exercise tv. none of the exercises are that terribly difficult but i just hate doing it. so i decided to not do it any longer. i know the exercises so i just did it on my own, each individual exercise.
i also decided to do a some leg toning exercises that i remember from denise austin. so i did those, too. all in all, i did 23 different leg/ab exercises, most of them 30 times each. and i walked up the stairs 10 times.

i did some of my arm workout but i wasnt feeling it. i did 17 arm exercises but did not do 12 arm exercises. but, you know....whatever.
i hated every single second of the arm workout so i just couldnt finish.

i am ending the day today at 2175 calories. but, we ate after 8pm tonite cos he went to the gym. so i was hugry.

right so i took a spark poll--what motivates you: the scale or living a longer, healthier life.
i voted the scale.
most did not.

i dont know. i would like to ay that i am motivated by my health but i am not. the truth is, my health sucks and will suck either way. being fat gives me a little more warmth, which i need. [obviously i will not stay fat because of this because i will be cold either way]

i dont know. it is not the scale necessarily either. it is not how i look, exactly, either. it is more of being uncomfortable in my own skin. when it is all said and done, i just want to feel more like myself. the myself i actually liked.

i want to be ...someone who can be carefree, at least on the surface. i want to be an athlete. i want to run, dance, jog. i want to the one who is envied. not for my thin, trim body but for my strength. i want to be always on the move. getting my calorie burn incidentally because i am doing something i love even if it is as simple as walking the dog. [i would say jogging with them but if you knew my boys, you would know that there is a better chance of it raining meatballs than getting these two to jog]

i want to hear wow, that dog is bigger than you.
i want to hear, how can you do that?
i want to hear you are strong.

i do not want to have to worry about seeing people i know, people i havent seen in a long time. i do not want to be embarrassed of myself any longer.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You sing it sister! Yeah! You sing it! Thats it. The scale - me too.

    The freedom. In your own body. To move however you are. Like an avatar.

    Not... like this.

    I couldnt have posted a better blog to describe how I feel.
    you are... solid
    you will be.. all that you need
    you were ... (and are) beautiful, even at 280something.

    I know it. I feel it. I feel you. xo

    *beats chest, howls to sky and lights candle for dramatic effect*

    2982 days ago
    Dee - I know it's not what SP wants to hear, but I'm with ya on this. I know that everyone wants to be happy and healthy and all these things. But, ultimately I just want to not be the biggest one in my unit. I want to be able to do things smaller people are able to do. I want to run, dance, and jog and even be envied same as you.

    It's not that I'm trying to think I'm all that. Obviously I'm not. But I can wish and I can hope. There's a smaller me inside screaming to get out! I keep shoving her back down with food.

    Thanks for the post - made me re-evaluate myself.

    2983 days ago
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