Friday, March 19, 2010

I am scared stiff. My last blog entry was about finally understanding the walls that I've built around myself. The way fat insulates me from the things I fear. But now that I've really started thinking about these things I'm terrified. I can't seem to move forward at all. It's a battle everyday and I think I'm losing.
To my friends, forgive me if it seems like I've disappeared. I'm here. I just can't seem to think straight. At least not for more than a few minutes at a time. Don't give up on me. One way or another I'll come to peace with everything. It may just take me a little time. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'll try to do better with logging everything and checking in with everyone.
Love you all!!!!
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TRACY180
    FEAR. I suspect you have heard this one. False Evidence Appearing Real. I heard it when I was part of Emotions Anonymous.
    I also like the definition of courage. Feeling the fear but doing it anyway. I am a yellow belly. I joke that I am scared of change, failure, success, driving and anything that I can't control. Yet, I am trying to learn to come out from under that covers and do things.
    You mentioned having fat, food and other things as a security blanket. When you face this and start working on this, you feel an increase in fear. We use these things to calm ourselves when scared. When we remove these from our lives or decrease our use of them, we feel the fear in a very intense way. If you stay the course and work GRADUALLY, the fear will decrease. Hang in there.
    3957 days ago
  • JUNEBUG1944
    Don't be afraid and don't give up. Self awareness is part of the process of learning to live a healthy life. You have come a long way in a very short time! Stay active on SparkPeople as much as you can...this will really help you!
    3958 days ago
    Hey ~ Just understanding the walls you've put up for protection is a HUGE thing. Some people go through their entire lives without that kind of awareness. It makes sense to me that you might need to live with that discovery a while to truly come to terms with it.

    We're all in this together, but we are still each on an individual journey. We can't do OUR thing at somebody else's pace. Or to put it into 12-Step terms, you can't work somebody else's program. You can only work your own.

    So if you're afraid right now, and if that seems to be keeping you paralyzed for the moment, if you can't seem to focus or stick to anything, then remember just the basics of taking care of yourself. Get plenty of rest. Get outdoors in the sun and fresh air if you can. Taking a walk outside would be great, but so would just sitting on the porch. Do some gentle stretches or movements that make you feel good. Read something inspirational or uplifting. Make a list of your blessings. Plan today for tomorrow to be a no-processed food day. Spend some time doing something you really truly enjoy that you haven't made time for lately. OR...just done ONE of these! emoticon

    Your true friends will hang with you, don't you worry about that.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3958 days ago
  • FRANRN76
    Hi girl. Hugs. Do not ever feel like you have abandoned us here. You need to always make YOU first. Just know that I am here for you. If you dont feel like being here, drop me a messge or send me an email.

    I know how the things that you fear can haunt you. The only thing that I can say, is to be kind to yourself. You cannot change everything at once. Deal with these things first then you will be able to deal with your weight. Remember this, ALL THIS, is a lifestyle change for you.

    As far as the weight portion goes. Just try to make the healthies choices that you can when it comes to food. Make sure that you eat even if you do not feel like you want to. Try to keep getting your calories in. Try to get outdoors (Vit D from susnshine is awesome for fighting the BLUES). Even if it just 10 minutes a day, try to go out and get a quick walk. This might help to clear your head as well as help you sleep.

    3958 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/19/2010 1:11:35 PM
    The first step is always the hardest/scariest. Many of us have been in your position so we understand. While you are on your own personal journey to find you inner beautiful self your Spark family/friends are here for you when you need us.

    Blogging has really helped me out when I have been having a bad day the responses just lift me up. I hope that the responses you receive will do the same.
    3958 days ago
    I know this is a weird analogy, but bear with me...
    I'm teaching my cats how to use the toilet instead of the litter box. One of my cats is clumsy but he get's it. He isn't afraid. The other cat... well, he's a big boy, strong, and athletic... but he's scared. Every time I change something about his litter box he gets frustrated and scared, and it takes a long time for him to get use to the changes. If one of the changes gets him to the point that he can't bring himself to do the job... I back up the steps in my process and give him more time to adjust to where he was before.

    What's amazing is that even our pets struggle with change. For some of them, it's apparently going to be easier than for others. That's okay. I mean, really, can you blame my scared cat for not wanting to perch on the edge of a water pit?

    So yeah... if you get scared, just back up a little and get comfortable with where you're at emotionally first. It's normal and okay. It's a scary thought to lose the comfort of the fat suit... but you deserve to be healthy and happy (everyone does, you're not an exception). ...and I'm right there with you on this one... breaking down the reasons why I have the extra weight. It's good you're talking yourself through these things. I'm there for you.

    Take care,
    3958 days ago
  • MEGANC1988
    It's that moment when we realize why we use food the way we do that can be the hardest. We like to pretend that we're just hungry or bored, but there are so many reasons why we eat and it can be SO hard to move past those reasons. I've been working on using exercise to deal with my anxiety rather than food. After 3 weeks if I start to feel stressed or anxious, my knee-jerk reaction is now "well I should go to the gym" rather than "where is that ice cream?"

    3958 days ago
    Thanks so much for your comments. It really means alot to me. I need all the advice and support that I can get right now.
    3958 days ago
    You can do it, one small baby step at a time. You've made great progress in acknowledging the way you feeling. Just chip at your goals a little bit at a time!


    3958 days ago
    Yes, it can be scarey. Once you face your devils it gets better. I spent lots of time journeling about it and shed a lot of tears! Before you know it you will feel like the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders. I would reccomend getting a referral from your dr. to someone you can talk to about it so they can help put it into perspective for you. That is what really helped me. Take care hon and it will get better.

    3958 days ago
    emoticon I'm pulling for ya! One day you will wake up and know today is the day it will be different this time.... we all fail from time to time... but you need to BELIEVE that YOU Are WORTH IT! You are going to love the girl inside that is trying to get out, just let her out! {{{{{{{[HUGS}}}}}}}} ~ Janel :)
    3958 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.