Sunday, March 14, 2010
ok, so i just kinda confused myself. i am reading this book called women, food and god. its kind of confusing. saying that emotional eating and compulsive eating is not really related to food and you should really stop dieting. and some of it i believe, i beleive that eating has to do with stuffing your feelings, i believe that food can be used as a drug. i guess the part of me that is fighting it is that part that says ok-i dont need this, i dont need to start to strictly go by the meal plan (which for some reason i keep putting off shopping for) but im not doing all that well on my own. i mean eating healthy wise. i mean i can pick the right food, i know that i should pack a cooler with food for when i go to work, so i dont stop when i get off work to a fast food joint and over indulge. i mean i get smaller sizes, and i really like rice crackers and havarti. but im not quite there. i mean its scary to deal with all my emotions. i havent for a very long time. i have been so depressed about my life, ive developed new habits, like sleeping all the time. im on medication but i guess i should come to grips with the fact that medication doesnt change my life. it doesnt make my kids less crazy, or my boyfriend more attentive, or the chores go away in my house, it doesnt give me more money. i have to find out who i am, without my history, without blaming someone else. i have to go with my gut instinct to be happy and make the changes in my life that i think will help me do that. it just im scared. lol, i dont remember being scared all the time.
i still want to work out, i will still keep up with this cause i believe that i need the amzing WONDERFUL people here that seem to have no end of compliments. i have to start crediting myself more, like the beck diet book says. i am displaying good eating habits, (not 100% of the time but hey, no one is perfect.) i need to STOP MAKING MYSELF FEEL BAD!!!! and unworthy, and less than i am. i hate that feeling. because i am a good person and i can do anything i want. and its not about the weight, and i dont want to give up, i dont want to not try. i want to be happy.