Finding the path
Sunday, March 14, 2010
After a very busy couple of weeks, I am starting to find time to breathe and spark. Last month, I started logging my food in a notebook...not making specific decisions about what to eat and what not to eat. But more to pay attention to what I ate and why. I wrote down what happened during the day and what I was feeling/thinking. It was very illuminating. I know that I am an emotional eater but I thought I had developed some techniques to deal with life and not dive into food but it appears I lost those techniques somewhere along the way.
My hubby is now traveling during the week on a project in Texas and will most likely be doing so for the rest of this year. In the past, I have actually been more focused on my healthy lifestyle when he is out of town because I don't have to buy food for him and food for me. But not this time. I have found myself buying more junk at the store than I used to. I had some dental work done and said I need pasta because it is soft food...well beyond the point of where my tooth still hurt. I don't necessarily feel lonely but feel overwhelmed most of the time -- hence the need for one of my favorite comfort foods:-)
In my notebook, I paid attention to interactions with people as I know that is one of my major triggers. A month ago was my father's birthday. Lots of my friends know I have a somewhat estranged relationship with him. All week before the birthday, I saw the reminder on my calendar and kept thinking that I should get a card but I failed to do it. Then on the actual day, my family was very busy and I did not think to call him. I realized that I failed to do anything because I wanted to get back at him for the pain he has caused me. It sounds so petty now. But at the time, I was very proud of my actions. Then I ran across an old friend on Facebook that knew me back when my Mom first died and my Dad started dating his current wife. This friend reminded me of how my father and stepmother behaved towards me back then and said that I was acting no better than they did. I thanked him very much for his "kind words" and privately seethed for about two days over his nerve. How dare he suggest that I am no better? I was so mad so I stuffed and stuffed my face. Started to feel like crud and the exercise started to get less and less regular. I blamed it on my son's schoolwork and the time I needed to give him but no I was in a funk and slipping further and further away.
So what do I do? Give it up and say that I cannot deal with life and its problems without a bag of chips? Am I proud of my behavior and the fact that I hurt myself because I am mad at someone else for hurting me? Hmmm...
As my work pants are getting snug again (thanks to the five pounds I am now up), I went through my "fat" pants that I had proudly dumped in our spare room. Yes, I could wash them and wear them. They would fit looser -- for a while -- but then they would also be snug. I know this because they were snug once before.
No, I choose to dig deep and pull out those techniques that worked so well for me before and get back on the path.
I am not here to say I am back because I have done that too many times in the past to only fall down again. But I am here to say, I am not giving up.