Weighed in the balances and found wanting
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I hate scales. Scales are not my friend. Never have been. Every scale I ever used has been for the purpose of calculating a cost to me. Post office, UPS, bathroom. There must be another way to measure success. Oh, there is.
I am in the battle of my life, for my life. It's heady, I know, but it's true. I have been involved in spiritual warfare (aren't we all), I have never been to war (too young for Vietnam. Too old for Desert Storm). And I have never acknowledged a war with my flesh - until now. I separate this battle from the battle for the mind. I am talking instead about the battle to take full responsibility for my health.
I have been in positions of responsibility before. From management positions in retail to Pastor of a Baptist church, to husband, father, and friend. I accepted, even welcomed, the responsibility of each without hesitation. But until now I have shirked responsibility for my health and I can't fully explain why. I have one theory.
In each position I have been in my responsibilities required me to conform to a set of rules/constraints/behaviors. Some set by the position I was was in. Others set by me because of the position I was in. Most were entirely appropriate, necessary and helpful. But when it came to my health I allowed myself to eat and drink without restraint. It was my happy place, my happy time. My indulgence. The place I could go and eat what I wanted when I wanted to do something outside the box - outside of the restraints of my position. At 25 you can get away with that. At 35 less so. At 55 it's a recipe for disaster.
I grew up early. Had my first jab at 16. Married at 20. Manager of a million dollar retail store at 23. And my weight was out of control by the time I was 30. Why was I sooo long in coming to my senses? I don't like my answer - I liked being without restraint and this was the one area of my life where I allowed my self that indulgence.
If not a scale, then where is the measure of success? I have mentally turned the corner on this thing called health. I have in the past allowed my self to eat without restraint - I don't eat like that any more. I can not. I will not. I don't want to. And truth be known, I have known for some time that God doesn't want me to.
What was up until a few months ago a life long battle with my weight has become a daily battle to overcome the bad habits and attitudes required to succeed. Eating without restraint was for a long time a happy place. That has not been the case for many years. But I did not stop, until now. I said I have turned the corner but, to use a baseball metaphor, I have only rounded first and am heading for second. But I intend to keep going. I owe it to myself first. But very importantly, I owe it my wife, and family, and to my Lord to get this part of my life in order.
Thanks for listening.