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I am a Sparker, hear me roar....

Friday, March 12, 2010

I am a Sparker, hear me roar....or gurgle, or snap, crackle pop, depending on what I have eaten and what I am craving.

I almost fell off my seat when I realised how long it had been since I wrote my last blog. Surely it could not be this long already?

The new job has eaten time and space like only a blackhole could, and every day seems to be full of tomorrows: tomorrow I will eat better, I will do Wii fit tomorrow…the laundry? Tomorrow. The dishes? Tomorrow. Yep, I have become Tomorrow Woman, which does not really come with any other superpower other than that of postponing EVERYTHING to the next day (only of course to repeat the process).
Gone the daily exercise and the careful designing of menus, hello unhealthy eater and procrastinator extraordinaire!

Thanks to months on Spark and the occasional email check and blog read, I am painfully aware of my newly (re-found) bad habits and of the mount of excuses I am hiding behind. It hurts.
The scales are gathering dust as I dread more and more every day to face the verdict of weeks of unmonitored eating.
To be fair, winter was tougher than I thought it would be…the snow, the ice and the short hours of daylight conspired to prevent me from exercising in the open. The cold weather whispered comfort food to my brain and the tiredness from long working hours meant I gave in to pasta and rice along rich stews, and the new bread machine added warm crusty doughy goodness to soups.
And now I do feel like I am (at least in parts) back to where I started from: craving sweet food and struggling to meet my daily nutrient requirements.
Every day has become once more a battle against my sugar cravings, not-so-good food choices and giving in to every cake and chocolate that my colleagues bring to the office..and more than once too.

There, I have said it: I have tried, but this time, I have failed.

Feels liberating.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not quitting.Nah-ah…not a chance. Not even close.

But I really need to find my mojo again because right now I feel really disheartened that I did not stick with it, and this summer will most likely be another uncomfortable experience as I struggle to find suitable clothes in my wardrobe.

I really believed when I started that by now I would be ‘just’ overweight.

And this site, and all the people on it have so much wisdom, are so much support, I feel ashamed of myself for failing.

I guess my sweet tooth is not helped by the boy and his perfect metabolism (not to mention his current training-for-a-marathon) who daily ingests chocolate bars and muesli bars and pasta and bread, all the while still turning his nose at most vegetables. Sweets are in the house, and I am too tired most days to cook different foods for both of us, especially with a freezer the size of a shoe-box that allows for no bulk cooking. In fact, scrap most of that sentence: most days I am just to tired to cook, full stop.

I guess part of me misses the UK where convenience food is king, for that I could find some healthy yet microwaveable options instead of limited expensive choices.

So maybe I need to accept that I can only concentrate on my self when the weather conditions are right, when daylight has returned, when Spring has sprung…….

I just hope my mojo knows about that time-table!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RUN2MYDREAMS
    You have not failed my friend. Life happens. It's a new day and a new start for you. Start right now by getting in your water. Or by getting in 10 minutes of exercise. Never consider yourself a failure. You turned to your Sparkfamily and we are here for you my friend. Believe in yourself! YOU CAN DO THIS...one Baby STEP at a time, one foot in front of the other. Start small and work your way up. Start with a few Fast Break Goals. I know that you can do this. You can accomplish anything you set your mind & heart to. I know it's hard to start over. I've been there myself. But you have an epiphany and then BAM you're back on track. I'm here if I can help, please let me know. Glad you are back!
    emoticon
    3797 days ago
  • MSLZZY
    Let's just say you've turned the corner, much as winter is giving way to spring. A fresh start and a chance to get it right. You didn't fail. You had a setback. It happens. So, pick yourself up and get back on track. The days are getting longer and even if work seems to consume endless hours, you can still revive and survive. Give yourself the ability by thinking positive and taking a run for the money. Keep your eyes on the prize!
    3797 days ago
  • KARVY09
    You're not failing, hun. You've just had a huge change in your lifestyle and it's super hard to adjust. You were used to healthy living being your job and now you're faced with the time-crunch and temptations of the office. It will take time and energy to adjust, but I know how strong you are and I know that you can do this if you want to.

    Time to start making healthy sandwiches and taking leftover soups to work and having healthy convenience items like yogurt and apples. And treat yourself to one day of office treats and look forward to it as a special treat.

    Luckily the days are getting longer and it will be easier to get out and walk, run and bike after work! Congrats to your boy on the marathon training!
    3798 days ago
  • JUNIAAGAIN
    I will say just that: don't give up. I have so been through the same stuff this winter and have to return too. It can be done - job and all: I've managed this last week and feel in control again. C'mon, let's do it together. Postpone everything just not the wii or the elliptical!
    3798 days ago
  • CODEMAULER
    "I have tried, but this time, I have failed."

    I disagree. You have tried, your life path took a diversion, and now a few steps are required to get back on the journey. It happens and, trust me, it can be much worse. What if you never came back to Spark? What if you did give up?

    You didn't, though. You're here, you're roaring and your buddies are thrilled to have you running with the pack again!

    We're all here to keep each other company on the journey. Give a roar any time you like, we'll roar right back at ya!

    emoticon
    (Well, it's not a lion... but my cats can sure make a lot of noise!)
    3798 days ago
  • FITNFABMAMA
    Hey girl! Don't be so hard on yourself!!! We all have days, weeks, months, where things happen or get in the way of whats important to us. The important thing to remember is that YOU DIDN'T fall completely off the wagon. You are here, you've been checking in. Summer is still a few months away and you can STILL kick it into high gear and lose quite a few pounds and inches!! Your summer wardrobe may still not fit you in the summer but it WILL be because the clothes are TOO BIG!!!!!! You can do this because you ARE a sparker. ROAR GIRL, ROAR!!!!! Make the decision and do it. Talk outloud to yourself if you have to!! Say I am NOT going to eat this CHOCOLATE!! I am going to walk away and be happy and lose weight, be fit and healthy. You will be applauded if someone hears you!! It takes MAJOR strength to do that. Watch how many others follow you if you do. Sometimes hearing ourselves talk outloud helps more than just thinking it!!! It may be uncomfortable at first, but in the long run, which is more uncomfortable, how you feel after you eat something bad and how you continue to look at yourself, or a few stares or looks that are surprise and admiration for being the strong woman you are???? You got this!! YOU ROCK!! Lets look hot in those bikinis this summer huh?!?!?!?! Let me know if you need anymore support!!!
    3798 days ago
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