What do you say when there's nothing to say?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I have been silent lately. I went from a blog a day to relatively nothing. True...in the middle of all that was a winter storm where we lost power for a week, but I was quiet before that. Let me just say Depression reeks. When getting out of bed in the morning seems to require more energy than you have on tap, there's an issue. "Houston...We've got a problem". Sometimes I think I'd have made a good turtle or maybe I was one in another life. My first instinct is to pull into my shell and be completely lost for words.
During the power outage, when it was soooo cold and my neighbors with the wood stove told me to come over to get warm, I didn't even have the energy to get dressed. The thought of having to take off night clothing to put on social clothing made me exhausted. Luckily, they are OK with me throwing on a long fuzzy robe and ambling on over. The first 2 days of the storm I stayed huddled under the covers 24 hours a day. I'm not sure how to get myself out of turtle mode when it hits. I feel like I am letting people down by not verbalizing what is happening in my world but at the time I have nothing to say. Its like my body and mind are in a thick fog and navigating through that renders me like an old wind up record player that has wound down to almost nothing. Its like the people talking in a Peanuts cartoon "Blah Bla Blah Blah" in baratone and super slow. I'd sign on to SP to respond to a post and freeze. What do I say? What does it mean? Will things be well received? And so I sit staring at the screen immobilized and then sign off again. Too bad there wasn't a Kilroy-esque emoticon that would peek their nose over the fence and say "I was here".
I started to wonder with my level of tiredness if there were a nutritional reason. B-12 deficiency or something. I have been too tired to leave the house and probably wouldn't have if I hadn't needed cat food and medication. While I was out yesterday, I pondered my nutritional question. So I went to the Herbal Pharmacy and got a Vegan / Gluten Free nutritional shake mix. I am happy to say that after using this for the past 2 days, I am here blogging and don't feel that overall total exhaustion although I am still tired. On a scale of 1-10 where 10 was total slug and unable to move, I have gone from a 9.5 to about a 7. Progress...but still not where I want to be. So anyway....while I have the words, this is what has been going on with me. I'm not out of the woods yet but I am starting to notice how the sun shines through the leaves and glistens on the icy branches. In the midst of all this, I still see the beauty.