What do you say when there's nothing to say?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I have been silent lately. I went from a blog a day to relatively nothing. True...in the middle of all that was a winter storm where we lost power for a week, but I was quiet before that. Let me just say Depression reeks. When getting out of bed in the morning seems to require more energy than you have on tap, there's an issue. "Houston...We've got a problem". Sometimes I think I'd have made a good turtle or maybe I was one in another life. My first instinct is to pull into my shell and be completely lost for words. emoticon

During the power outage, when it was soooo cold and my neighbors with the wood stove told me to come over to get warm, I didn't even have the energy to get dressed. The thought of having to take off night clothing to put on social clothing made me exhausted. Luckily, they are OK with me throwing on a long fuzzy robe and ambling on over. The first 2 days of the storm I stayed huddled under the covers 24 hours a day. I'm not sure how to get myself out of turtle mode when it hits. I feel like I am letting people down by not verbalizing what is happening in my world but at the time I have nothing to say. Its like my body and mind are in a thick fog and navigating through that renders me like an old wind up record player that has wound down to almost nothing. Its like the people talking in a Peanuts cartoon "Blah Bla Blah Blah" in baratone and super slow. I'd sign on to SP to respond to a post and freeze. What do I say? What does it mean? Will things be well received? And so I sit staring at the screen immobilized and then sign off again. Too bad there wasn't a Kilroy-esque emoticon that would peek their nose over the fence and say "I was here".

I started to wonder with my level of tiredness if there were a nutritional reason. B-12 deficiency or something. I have been too tired to leave the house and probably wouldn't have if I hadn't needed cat food and medication. While I was out yesterday, I pondered my nutritional question. So I went to the Herbal Pharmacy and got a Vegan / Gluten Free nutritional shake mix. I am happy to say that after using this for the past 2 days, I am here blogging and don't feel that overall total exhaustion although I am still tired. On a scale of 1-10 where 10 was total slug and unable to move, I have gone from a 9.5 to about a 7. Progress...but still not where I want to be. So anyway....while I have the words, this is what has been going on with me. I'm not out of the woods yet but I am starting to notice how the sun shines through the leaves and glistens on the icy branches. In the midst of all this, I still see the beauty.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Kerry, I hear you. I find myself doing the same thing a lot - not knowing what to say - just wanting to be a spectator instead of fully participating and not having the motivation to do things that seem so simple and seem like they shouldn't require any energy.
    That's great to hear you're making some progress. I really hope it continues for you!

    4068 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4238235
    I tried to resond to this the other day but thewindow jsut popped up blan? Well anyway. I am trying to say I understand and know what you are feeling. I myself am just coming out of depression. I was thinking today I was doing better and then by afternoon I could feel myself on the verge of tears. And over what? NOTHING.
    I have been sitting my my fat but for over three weeks thinking If I exercised I would feel better. BUt the is the thing with depression even thought you know what you should do you just do not! So good for you for trying. Remember we are here for you. And I have to say for me helping someone else sure helps me!!
    4069 days ago
    true depression is a chemical imbalance. Good nutrition certainly helps, but have you checked with your doctor? Perhaps you could take something long enough to get moving again, and then use exercise and diet to get you going in the long-term. Please look after yourself, Kerry. We all worry about you.
    4073 days ago
    I've been there! Holding your hand and praying spring brings you smiles! emoticon
    4075 days ago
    I don't know of any lady that depression has settled in and stayed awhile.

    I am glad you looked to nutrition and it is helping. When you don't think you can be around folks that is the time that you do need to be around them.

    prayers going up
    4075 days ago
    hugs...Kerry i'm here if you need to talk..
    4076 days ago
    Depression is a terrible illness and no one here will judge you for being ill. I'm glad you're starting to feel better. Hopefully the increased daylight length will help.
    4076 days ago
    I was really struggling with fatigue...doctor asked me if I was feeling depressed, I asked her if she would feel depressed if she didn't have the energy to do any of the things she needed to do.
    Turns out I was vit D deficient and anemic. Feel much better now.
    4076 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2852805
    Glad you're feeling better! Your nutritional question reminded me of my Aunt. She was dealing with a similar situation, and her doctor found that she was vitamin D deficient.
    4076 days ago
    Thank you so much for putting into words what I haven't been able to. I think depression is one of the reasons I've been silent lately as well.
    I'm going to look into this vitamin difficiency thing as well.
    4076 days ago
    So pleased you were able to PUSH your way through to share your experience with us today...!

    Hoping you'll hone in on strategies for reclaiming YOURSELF again soon...!

    4077 days ago
    Nothing I guess. Just feel the emoticon that everyone is sending your way. I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Maybe you'll get your Spark back now that Spring is in the air...
    4077 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4035863
    I'm sending sunny thoughts your way.
    4077 days ago
    Kerry - I'm so glad you are feeling a little better. Depression stinks. Please don't ever think people here would judge you. You've been through so much this year....maybe you should just blog it out...let us respond to it and get it out of your system.
    I pray for your continued improvement.... emoticon

    Good luck, my friend!! emoticon
    4077 days ago
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