Attitude Issues

Thursday, March 04, 2010

WARNING: This post is a bit of a downer.

I have attitude issues. My name IS MALCONTENTION after all. They wax and wane with various developments in my life—work, relationships, HORMONES.

For the past several weeks, my attitude about weight loss has been really positive. I’ve been feeling good about eating great food and having control over this aspect of my life. I’ve been excited about the changes I’ve seen and anticipating those that will come as I lose my last 5 or so pounds.

But this week I’ve been spending more time thinking about how I can possibly maintain a “healthy lifestyle” over the longer course of my life. And by “healthy lifestyle” I mean one in which I eat less than I would prefer to eat.

Last night was a prime example. I had dinner out with friends. I looked at the menu online beforehand and noted the items I would order that would keep me in my calorie range.

So here’s what I ate:
water (in other words, no wine)
arugula salad
roasted chicken with potatoes and green beans
mini cannoli for dessert

Here’s what my friend ate as I enviously watched:
gingerbread martini
2-3 pieces of Italian bread dipped in olive oil
large arancini (ball of rice, cheese, meat and peas deep fried with marinara sauce on side)
1/3 portion of potato gnocchi in tomato sauce with melted cheese
large cannoli with chocolate chips

I SO wanted to be eating what she ate! And all I could think of was the fact that if I want to maintain my weight loss, I will very seldom be able to eat like that. And if I do, I’ll have to eat very little and exercise very hard for several days thereafter. 1500-1800 calories per day is just not that much. And there are times when all I can think about is how I’m depriving myself and denying my natural inclinations.

Now, the fact is, I am “skinny” (my friend noted it and asked how I achieved it) and my friend is struggling with her weight and not particularly happy with where her body is. But boy, did she enjoy her dinner! emoticon

I’m still processing this experience and my other thoughts. And I’m still very focused. I WILL reach my goal. It’s after my goal that’s less clear. I’m guessing there will be many lessons I learn about myself along the way.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I think, for me, I have accepted the fact that I can not eat like "normal" people. I am always going to have to watch what I eat. Once in a while, let myself indulge, but only very rarely. I just have to come to terms with it, since I don't ever want to go back to the way I was. Most days, I am ok with it. Eating at restaurants is always going to be hard. Always! You did good,,,feel proud of yourself. You ate healthy!
    4154 days ago
    I'm about to go post an answer to your blog, only I think I'll post it as a blog myself. Great post; I'm posting how I got past this kind of feeling.
    4157 days ago
    A very honest blog, MAL. I have those same feelings and I am certain many other sparkers do, as well. It's tough...really tough. I get jealous of what I see others eat. If the person is "fluffy" I can usually handle it better than if the person is skinny and can still eat like that!
    4159 days ago
    I totally totally relate to your description of your feelings. Right now (and you have helped me get here) I am on a Spark pink cloud meaning the feeling of wellbeing I have outweighs the cravings. I know the feeling is hard to sustain, especially when you are confronted what suddenly feels like deprivation. Your description of the dinner actually sounded awful. Viewed from a distance I can "see" just the words and not the alluring aromas it really sounds heavy and greasy and gross. And your meal sounded smart and delish. Just like you are...delish. What I am getting out of your blog is the idea that one might be able to practice looking at certain food as gross and certain food as lovely. Some food going right to the belly as heavy fat. Some nurtures. I know some would say that is not a good strategy but unlike you I don't think I am at the point yet where I can resist as you did. Brava woman. You really are a model.
    4160 days ago
    You have great willpower, my friend. I would've asked the waiter for her plate instead. I know how you feel about the lifestyle thing, but you have to keep it in perspective. One day at a time. And if you want to eat those rich foods, just do it, once isn't going to wreck a months worth of focus.

    4160 days ago
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