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Celebrating Scott's Life 2010

Monday, March 01, 2010

I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to write today, but I know I want to acknowledge the second anniversary of my son's death. First of all, to my many Spark friends & teammates, thank you for your caring & support!

When Scott was killed two years ago, my life changed in such a way that I will never be the same. I still go to grief counseling with a private therapist two or three times a month. Having "Dr Jenn's" ear, and her support, has been a Godsend. I can say all the selfish, angry, bitter thoughts that sometimes fill my mind, and be honest about the dark feelings that can still overwhelm me at any moment (like hearing a fragment of a song).

However, what struck me this past week, leading up to this heart-breaking "anniversary," is the difference between last year and this; both in how I feel, and how my precious daughter feels, and in the plans we made together.

Last year, DD Aubrey & SIL Mike left town, unable to be present near where Scott died or with others grieving him too. They spent that anniversary week hiking and climbing in the Santa Barbara mountains; on February 27th, they spread some of Scott's ashes at his favorite spot there (more details & a photo in my blog from that time). This year, while the pressure was still great, there was no plan to or talk of going away again.

Last year, me going with DD & SIL wasn't an issue; my disabilities keep me from doing most physical activities, let alone the kind of walking needed to get up in those mountains. Besides, I wanted to be with Scott's neighbors, on his street, near his home, near where he fell to his death. This desire of wanting to be connected also led me to initiate a most healing encounter with the owners of the kitten Scott climbed to rescue.

This year, without us specifically planning to do so, was a time of being together, enjoying each other's company, and going out and doing... LIVING. My thoughts throughout Saturday, February 27th, often went to Scott.

I'd raise my eyes up towards Heaven, and think: "This is for YOU, Scott! I'm out of the house, with other people, doing the activities I used to enjoy. I'm living my life again, and in doing so, I am celebrating YOUR life." (His love & caring & enthusiasm & kindness & laughter & joy & sacrifice & leadership - how Blessed I am to have had him in my life for 28 years!) I said, "Scott, you don't have to worry about me anymore."

I honestly don't know what difference there will be between the 1-year-&-364-days and the 2-years-&-1-day time frames. I wondered all last week, in the dreadful anticipation of the 27th, what can change with just that 48 hours difference. This time, however, when I made my shopping lists, it was ME who went to the store to food shop and run other errands, not my DH (who has stepped in and helped immensely).

I had also called DD and invited her to go with me on Saturday to a local community theater's musical comedy revue. The actually-going-part was, as usual, a HUGE challenge - but WE did it. She nudged me and I buoyed her, and we had a wonderful time. As former Theatre majors in college, she and I share a love of the production; with this adventure, we reconnected in a way - filled with joy - that we haven't in quite some time.

SO, my dearest Scott, I treasure every moment I had with you, and I still feel your love. I see you in many aspects of my current life, and I miss you every single day. I will remember you always, and look forward to seeing you again.

Love from your Mom, Elizabeth~
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon emoticon That was just beautiful, sweetie~ simply beautiful. emoticon BB~
    857 days ago
    Elizabeth,I am so sorry for your loss.I can't even imagine what it must be like. emoticon That was a beautiful blog for your Scott. emoticon I read the comments from ISAWAPUTTYTAT just below my comments and she really is saying so how I feel,my mom passed in 2006.Tweety put it so well and the perspective of looking at it that way is something I never thought about.Seems to give a new kind of peace and comfort,I didn't have before.Many emoticon and support emoticon You take care of YOU rself. emoticon Diana
    2902 days ago
    Elizabeth you are an inspiration i wish i could talk with you more. The words you have put down on paper our words i write in my journal. As my loss is not a child but a mom. So i can understand your feelings and share with you the same ideas i had about letting go. I know this I know that my mom is in my heart i have her heart of gold so i pass that on. You have him in your heart as you remember him. I know it is not easy to forget.I know that life is never fair i always questioned why he takes the good and leaves the bad. Know one could ever answer that.One day i was furniture shopping and i said that to a woman salesmen and she said did you ever think he does not want the bad and he only wants the good.To this day that is what made me realize that my angel of a mother was in great hands and it helped me heel i hope it also helps you too. Your pal tweety!
    3057 days ago
    Hugs to you Elizabeth. Prayers are going up for your continued strength and comfort. Scot was a blessing and you are, too.
    3078 days ago
    I am thinking of you during this time. Hugs to you and your family.
    3172 days ago
  • BO42SOX
    Thank you Thank you for sharing this-My Son, it will be 4 years next month of his car accident.He lives w/ me, I take care of him, but I don't know if John even knows who I am.I'd like to believe he does,if he doesn;t than I know at least he feels my Love.----I am so sorry Elizabeth.Please,Please,Please know I care, and it sounds like Scott had a pretty good Mom/Family-Lots of hugs to you my Friend-Kathleen
    3193 days ago
  • DEE107
    emoticon , my heart goes out to you and your family hugs
    3204 days ago
  • SHERRY666
    What a lovely blog for your son Elizabeth........... along with you spending time with the neighbor where he fell to his death....... and you getting out there and living again....... I know he is looking down and saying..... "go mom go" emoticon
    3205 days ago
    3205 days ago
    I don't know what to say, but I'm sending a BIG HUG your way. emoticon emoticon
    3205 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/1/2010 6:02:40 PM
    Hello Elizabeth,
    You are a wonderful Mom and do not let anyone tell you different. I can remember when I invited you to join my team and I'm very proud of you taking up on that invite. I told you that I would leave it up to you. As I read your blog here, I cried so hard, b/c I knew how it is to be a mother.
    I think of you as a special person, mother, friend, and team mate. You speak so highly of your son and he is your Angel from heaven. He watches over you daily, nightly, weekly, monthly and yearly. He was so lucky to have a wonderful, caring and loving mother as you are. No one is judging you and yet you keep going. I would not want to know anyone like this (you) and you tell it like it is. So, Scott will always be proud that you are his mother. I am behind you 100% in what you do.
    I hope this makes sense to you. A mother's love is easy to get, but you have to accept it in a way that you want it and it's always there for you to reach for it. (Lost my Mom in Sept.2009 and I miss her badly.)
    Always, ERNA emoticon
    3205 days ago
  • F8CONE8
    This is a wonderful tribute to your son. We should never outlive our children but it happens. It has been 20 years but Victor will always live in our hearts and minds. Sometimes I still see him as he was.
    3205 days ago
    3205 days ago
    emoticon emoticon to you Elizabeth. God wil get you thru this.Keep praying for strength. You have such great memories and I know your son is proudly looking down on you. emoticon
    3205 days ago
  • TINYC887
    what a beautiful tribute to your son. Losing a child should never happen to a parent but as a mom whon lost a son as a baby, the hurt never goes away but it does get easier to cope with. You are in my thoughts.
    3205 days ago
    Scott would be so proud of you. It does get easier. emoticon emoticon
    3205 days ago
    If I could be there to give you a real hug I would...
    3205 days ago
    I am passing along prayers for your strength today as you memorialize your son, I know it must be hard for you but you have wonderful memories of him to keep you smiling... emoticon
    3205 days ago
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