Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I have gained 2 pounds. I am not a happy camper. I feel out of control. It is hard to put down in words how I am thinking and feeling because it is not positive. I try to think and live positive as well as try to be a good example, walking my walk, not just talking it. So when I am feeling low for just about a multitude of reasons right now, which are pretty good ones, if I must say so myself, I don't like to talk about it, or show it or write it. But, right now, I am writing it, because, for some reason, I am feeling good about writing it. I just don't know if I will post it! But it is kinda anonymous, right?
I know I am not perfect and that I make many mistakes, just like everyone else. But I find it much easier to forgive and forget others misgivings than my own. Those things that happen within my family that are not good make me feel as if I neglected to do something, or say, teach or identify something for someone and that I should have seen it coming or deflected it somehow. Maybe I wasn't where I should have been or was to tired to talk or ignored the signals, or, or, or, or.....yak, yak, yak. Why do I feel so responsible for what happens when it is not me or my responsibility? Love is a very painful thing. I think it is hard to see someone you love....make a terrible mistake and know it is one they will live with all their lives. So, to create a clear picture, and take it one step further...one person in the family makes a biggy and the whole family acts out. Like all of a sudden everyone wants attention at the same time and everyone knows something about everything and has an opinion and wants to be the authority on everything and lash out at and be noticed and get recognized. Like everyone is all over the biggy and can't see what anyone else is doing, so lets try acting out ourselves or something like that. It is surreal. Verbally, I am getting slammed. Yes, this is my pity party but I am laughing now and not crying because this is so stupid. I have to admit, I am loosing my temper and have said things I do regret. I keep trying to start over and I won't quit doing or saying what I think is right for everyone involved but it gets tough when everyone else is talking too! Of course, the young adults in my home, my three sons, think I know nothing about everything and that I have the least authority and know the least and being alive 30 years longer and learning from my own past mistakes doesn't seem to hold any clout. Yes, see the sarcasm now?
I sometimes just don't feel like a very good person. I can get full of anger and judgment. The worst thing to me though, is a deceitful person. One who would omit the truth or deny it. I get so annoyed when this happens because some people are fool enough to believe it will work or that the truth will not be found out...maybe not today, but fat always floats to the top! Then to make things worse...I eat when I am emotional....and eating is a good thing but I am making that comfort food move...avoiding my fruits and vegetable and eating those mega carbs....snacks, crackers.... well, if writing this has done nothing else but get it off my chest, which it has, I think I will just give it all to the Maker of Heaven and Earth and start all over again! Thank you God for listening. Anyone out there who happens to read this mess....well, God Bless you and give you the wisdom, strength and courage to keep on trying and never quit!