How to Get the Fire Back
Friday, February 12, 2010
For too many months now, I keep feeling like "this is the day" and I'll recommit to eating healthy and within my calories and then I easily (too easily) decide to do something completely counter to that. I am tired of it, and what is starting to bug me is that this is my new normal - periodically overeating and choosing things that I know aren't good for me. It is intensely frightening. I see the health effects of living a life like that & I DON'T want to choose that, but my actions are speaking very loudy. I want to do something to fix this malaise, this easy drop down into using food as an emotional crutch, but I don't know what the magic is. I do know that I'm pretty tired of the status quo, even though I'm not in a great deal of pain right now. I mean, I'm 15 lbs over the weight that I want to be, probably only 10 over where I'd be happy to be, but it feels like 100. I guess the fact that it's NOT 100 is part of what holds me back - I think to myself, it's not so bad. And I settle. It's really bugging me, sometimes I think the emotional pain counts for more than the physical, although the physical is quite real. My knees hurt more than usual, and I worry about long-term health consequences. Eating a box of sugar cereal is terrible for blood sugar regulation.
You know, the bottom line is I feel fat & I don't feel like me, yet I've been at this weight for so long that I'm starting to question if I can ever go back. How much do I really want this? Do I have the strength to do this? It's not that it's unknown to me what it takes. Why do I so easily give up my goals?