Tears Of Joy

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Today, I was doing my strength training workout, I could actually feel the muscles in my stomach working. I can see small changes in my body in the mirror. I am becoming more hopeful that I will achieve my weigh loss goals this time. I have been overweight for many years, I started putting on weight around age 21. Prior to that, I was a naturally thin, very active child and adolescent. I remember how it felt to be thin. I could run and play effortlessly. I did not have a flabby tummy hanging over my pants. I had a curvy body, that was very beautiful, although I didn't realize it a the time...
I actually felt like crying today. Yes, some of the tears would be caused from sadness. Sadness of a body and health I seemed to have lost so long ago. I felt so ashamed of myself for gaining all of this weight. Why did I put the weight on to begin with? Why did I stop exercising and taking care of myself? The answer that is coming to me, right now, is: because I did not feel I was worth it. My self esteem became so low, as I was repeatedly verbally abused by others. I was never really told how beautiful, smart, or compassionate I was. I was just called bad names, and after a while, I believed everything that others said about me. I feel anger towards those who hurt me, yet I also feel compassion. People who treat others bad, have severe problems within themselves. They feel they must bring others down to their negativity. Well, I now realize I never have to put up with that treatment ever again. If people feel the need to treat me bad, they will simply be wished the best, then removed from my life. I am currently pursuing my higher purpose, and calling in life. God did not put me on this Earth to be abused by anyone. I now feel I am worthy of loving myself, the way I should have been loved by others. But oh well, I can't change the past, what is done is done. I am moving on to a new phase of my life, where I give and receive love freely. I thank God everyday for this precious chance to take my life, scarred by hurt, and revive it to breath love in others...

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