Fighting the Current

Monday, February 08, 2010

I have two major character flaws: 1) Perfectionism and 2) not asking for help. One feeds into the other and they reinforce each other, creating a wall of critical thoughts and negative behaviors. Through therapy I am learning to deal with both of these things. However, as soon as I have a handle on one, the other, or both, people or situations in my life seem to reinforce my negative thoughts. So I feel like I am swimming against the current, fighting my way free of myself.

For instance, I have been having a really hard time writing my PhD dissertation. Because I am afraid it won't be good enough. But I finally got the push I needed and was writing like crazy. I was feeling really accomplished and proud of myself. Until I sent it to my boss. She read it and corrected some of it. And instead of talking to me privately and helping me in a constructive fashion, she berated me in front of my labmates in a very curt and angry fashion. I have no written a word since. SO I thought to myself. See I wasn't good enough.

So I decided to tacke #2 to ask for help. I contacted a service that helps you edit you thesis and keep you on track and that took A LOT of guts for me to admit I needed help and could not do this on my own. So I called up the service and they were rude to me and told me that I have too specialized of a topic, that no one really asks for help in my area, and that not only could she NOT help me, but she doubted I would find a service who could help me.

Strike two. So I took this as I am not good enough and no one wants to help me. OUCH. I am trying to stay motivated and positive, but these circumstances are just beating me to a pulp mentally.

Positive thought of the day: I am still breathing!!! I won't ever give up!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Crap, well that sure didn't work out. But I am SOOOOO proud of you for trying #1 and #2. For #1, she is so unprofessional and rude. Is it possible to ask for help from any intelligent colleagues or people who have written a previous thesis in your field?

    Don't give up asking for help, it doesn't make you "less of a person". I actually think highly of people who want to learn and ask for help. I view them as stronger people.

    I love you!
    2991 days ago
    Who cares what these people say! No one has the right to say if someone's not good enough. If you get knocked down in life...get right back up,dust yourself off and go again....Good luck on knowing not to give up....Have a Great day :o)
    2991 days ago
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