Health is a state of mind
Monday, February 01, 2010
Hello all! I wanted to write something and was thinking about my health. I realized that health isn't just how you are physically feeling but it is also how you are mentally and emotionally feeling. I am sure most of you are thinking, "Duh! You are just realizing this now?" but that isn't exactly what I mean. You can not feel mentally or emotionally healthy and still be healthy. You just have to not let it effect everything else you are doing with yourself. I mean that, yes, it will make it more difficult to do things, but you can still keep going. I say this because I have a lot of stuff on my mind, what with my fiancée/boyfriend of 12 years breaking up with me without really giving a good reason, and the resulting emotional and mental turmoil from that.
I am trying to rationalize what he has said to me about why he wants out, and it just doesn't make sense. We made it through my suicidal depression during the first 3 years of our relationship, and if that isn't a difficulty that most people would walk away from, I don't know what is. He says he doesn't like living in a messy house and I am working on cleaning it up, but that doesn't seem to be working in my favor, so to speak. He says that he doesn't like my excessive spending, but I haven't spent much of any money in the last month, other than pictures of our daughter, because I wanted the CD of all the photos taken. I know it was a lot of money, but how many pictures will I get of her at 3 years old during Valentine's? He agreed. He says he doesn't like where we live, but how can we work to change that together when he is determined to just up and leave.
I finally brought all this up to him and told him that I can't read his mind, so we need to work this out and he just says he has made his decision. How is that fair. He decided to be judge, jury and executioner. I have had no real say about what is going on. He decided we were over. He decided he was leaving. He decided that he will help me try to make it through the rest of the school year. He decided he wants to go get a newer car, but won't work on it by himself. He is treating me like I was still his other half, but won't acknowledge it. I am growing tired of the way he is battering my emotions and isn't doing anything about it.
Despite all of this going on, I have lost 29lbs since January 3rd. I am able to get healthier physically even though I am having difficulties emotionally. I keep telling myself that I need to be healthy and fit for my daughter and that is helping me continue on and struggle through this morass I have become mired in. I am working on resolving my mental state into a more even and healthy balance, but as long as I have this going on, I don't know how I will do it.
Always I must remember:
I am strong! I will hang on! I will survive!