Ughhh! Get it together already!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Absolutely DISGUSTED with myself. Last night, i binged..errr. shame on me. but you know what? today was a new day. so i was like. i need to get my you know what together and step up! do you think i did? no. i've just eaten alllll dayyyyy longgggggg. i feel fat and gross and defeated. why the heck is this so hard? i know everything i need to do, it's not like i can't live without these foods. they're not THAT important, they don't make me FEEL GOOD! how do i feel right now?! horrible!
i know that i'm doing it! and the whole time i'm convincing myself it's not that bad, or it'll be fine, no big deal, it's just one day. but this is how it always is! it's not just one day, it's habit, one that needs to be broken! i don't need food to make me happy! so what, i've had a really crappy month, things happen, such is life. i need to find better ways to deal with it. i have resources. for goodness sake renee!!! utilize them!
I turn 21 on March 25th. I want to feel like i've made gains in the last year. I want to feel like i've gotten somewhere in my quest for happiness. Is it so hard to stick to a certain amount of calories a day? I love working out, it's a great stress reliever and it's never really been a problem for me to get to the gym (maybe time wise but i love going!) it's the food. this food thing.
i was looking back on my post from sunday. i was so happy that day. i was eating good, i ran outside, it was an amazing feeling, and i told myself to not forget it...to not forget how good it felt to feel healthy...and happy. i let food (specifically ice cream and peanut butter) cloud my memory of how good that day was, how awesome it felt to be in control, to be proud of myself. i'm not proud of myself right now, right now, i think i suck. It's so sunny right now. part of me wants to go outside and try to make myself feel better, try to get that feeling back that i felt on sunday, but i feel so down that i think i might just go shut the blinds.
i wish i had never started this horrible cycle. i was perfect the way i was. the 12 year old little girl, the 7th grader, who had friends, and played sports and had everything she ever wanted. life was perfect until i decided one day that my little 75 pound self was fat. from then on my relationship with food was never the same. it went from dangerously low weights, and starving myself to binging and purging...now i can't find a happy medium with anything. i'm caught in between trying to normalize my eating and dealing with the disordered thoughts and feelings i've had for as long as i can remember.
it not about the number for me. i don't want to think about numbers. i want to feel happy, to feel normal, like for once just eat breakfast lunch and dinner and feel okay. i'm tired of the fight. i'm tired of the constant back and forth i feel. i get so wrapped up in trying to be healthy that i go overboard, and underestimate calories that leads to binging and ultimately to getting rid of the food in any manner that i can at that moment. i'm done, i'm tired. no more nights on the bathroom floor, not more days starving myself to get to that unrealistic size that i don't even want to be anymore. it's so ingrained in my head that i have to do horrible things to myself to be at a weight that i can be happy with
...so i've made the decision to change.
i see a therapist, i've saught support from family and friends...i'm doing what i need to do...it just takes time...and energy. lots of energy. i've been trying to get healthy for the last three years, college really took a toll on the whole process, but it's really affecting my heath now and i know i need to make the change sooner rather than later. so i'm committed. but being committed doesn't mean i'm not going to slip up...i have to remember that.
i wish it was spring. the snow is gross and dirty from the road and the trees look sad. my apartment is ALWAYS a mess because i guess i'm the only one whose mother taught them to pick up after them self. like, is it really necessary that the remaining batteries of the pack that you bought for your calculator lay all over the living room floor? or that you hang up your coat instead of putting it on the couch? or that you school bag and papers and books and binders stay in your room instead of the kitched table, counter, coffee table, stairs (which i tripped over this morning) and couch! i mean, am i being ridiculous?! I live with two other people and yet i'm the only one who cleans. i've asked nicely, i've hinted, i've come right out and said okay guys, this week i'm doing the bathroom, what are you doing? and it still never gets done. i'm not their mother, i can't like nag at them! but goodness. i hate living in clutter. it's depressing..and along with my actual depression, it doesn't help!
another thing, just to rant..they don't lock the doors when they leave! and i don't know about all of you but i personally don't want to just invite robbers into my apartment...i know i have anxiety and my fears about robberies are probably a little irrational, but still. the doors should be locked..one of my roommates doesn't lock the doors because she doesn't want to carry her keys around all day on campus. yes those are her exact words...yet she wears a backpack...don't worry, i'm just as confused as you.
anyway, enough ranting and raving. i just need to be healthy. i need to take steps towards getting my life on track, physically and mentally. it's not about the numbers, it's about my health, my heart..the things i've done to my body to lose weight or attempt to lose weight in the past..i don't want to know the damage i've already done. i just want to move forward, make good choices..and it starts with feeding my body food that i can use to heal myself.
It's 2:37 right now and i had originally decided i wasn't going to eat for the rest of the day because i've been snacking and making bad choices all morning....but i'm making a commitment for tonight, to not binge and to eat a healthy snack and dinner. that's my goal for today...to just get through today. one step, one goal, one choice at a time.
Thanks for listening.