It’s just food!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
It seems so unfair that most of us are fighting hard against an opponent that has really no other power than the imaginary ones we convince ourselves of.
And if we are honest about it, we know that this freshly baked cookie is not blowing its warm goodness on us on purpose, that the crisps are not gently calling our name, and that no food item I can’t think of will force itself on us until we can eat no more.
It’s just food!
Yet everyday I have to make choices, yet everyday I have to avoid tempting marketing ploys and well meaning colleagues or friends, yet everyday I have to remind myself that I am the one in charge, worried of letting my guard down in case a donut catapults itself into my mouth (could happen...I'm sure).
But you know what.....I am ok with that, because it really is getting easier every day., in ways I never thought or dreamt possible…and it is all down to this website, to this community, to my Sparkfriends.
This weekend I was in England for a reunion with my friends, and for some catching up with other friends and family of the boy, and the food offerings were not ideal: in the mere 3.5 days we were there we managed to scoff Chinese takeaway, Italian restaurant food, Indian food and a full English pie meal with mash and beans, followed by ice cream, and a couple of ‘on the go’ meals eaten in the car and on the plane. All sounds like a recipe for disaster, and a year ago, maybe even 6 months ago, it would have been…but this time there was damage control.
Sure I ate Chinese food, but I had a wonton soup starter and only had a small portion of meat and rice after. Sure I went for Italian with my friends and they all had pizza (on which the crust was too hard) and I had…roast chicken with mixed salad and it was delicious (and dessert too, which was equally yummy), sure I went for Indian but we walked all the way there and after finishing my meal I felt too full and bloated (it was late) and sure we ate on the go and had to get our breakfast, and it did include a box of mini brownies because they looked divine (they were)…but the rest was prawn salad, low dressing chicken, carrot sticks and hummus, and greek yoghurt with blueberries. Not because I felt I ‘had to’…because that what I wanted to eat.
After a couple of days of eating out I felt so full, so bloated, so unhealthy that on the plane back I could only stomach carrots sticks with hummus and some nuts and dried fruits.
On the way back to the house I the evening I contemplated getting a nice apple as a snack (never happened, I was not even hungry).
Bottom line is. I still eat junk food sometime, but my body now invariably tells me it is not right. I don’t even fancy the stuff anymore. I do however still crave indulgent food, but it has to be truly good, and even then, I will stop in time (well, not when a peshwari naan is involved or fresh gingerbread) to not over-do it.
But I still worry, because as an emotional eater the food in its most calorific form is still over me, like a sword of Damocles ready to drop. Will I ever have the confidence to know that I am in charge for good, that I wll not ever binge, that I will always eat well? Probably not. Because, simply, I am human.
So for now I pat myself on the back for every time I make the right choice, for every time I look at food reminding myself that I can always have more chocolate tomorrow, and for every time I crave exercise more than I crave any sort of food.
I am learning moderation but I know it is a long and windy road, and I have also learned that I must accept that exercise is the only way I can eat in a way I truly enjoy...with little pleasures thrown in and the occasional feast. But my biggest lesson I feel I have already learned: I have let go of guilt (well, mostly!)