Just Breathe

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Today was supposed to be my day off. My day to catch up, on sleep, laundry, homework, groceries, cleaning..my day to accomplish all the things that add up, that just can't be done on my school days, which consist of12 hours on campus, or my work days, which are typically 14 hour shifts, MY DAY.

MY DAY to read a book to make myself a cup of tea, my day to go on the computer and look up stupid things that are insignificant to life itself. But no.

I got an 8am wake up call from work asking if i could come in. Now, i could have said no. I could have said no and gone back to sleep until 8:30am like i planned, gone to the gym, came home, cleaned the apartment, done laundry, gotten groceries, worked on my school work and then spent the evening making a nice dinner and reading or watching some tv, gone to bed early and been bright eyed and bushy tailed for a lonnnnnng day on campus tomorrow. But i said yes. I always say yes. Because i can't say no.

So i rushed to get ready, rushed to get some breakfast, rushed to work, and spent 9:00am-8:00pm rushing around, disciplining kids (i work in a residential facility for kids who have severe behavior issues and are 99.9% of the time, violent), don't do this, don't do that, please use your inside voice, don't hit me, that hurts, that's not appropriate, that's not okay, blah blah blah and by the end of the day, i'm tired of my own voice.

So thennn after a long day on my feet i drag myself to the gym because i didn't have time to do it in the morning, i work out, and i come home, to my laundry that isn't done, the school work that hasn't been touched, a fridge without food, and a dirty apartment and i want to cry. I feel utterly defeated. I'm exhausted and annoyed and i want to go to sleep but while i did work today and i did work out, i didn't get ANYTHING else done.

I had to bring my food to work because they eat crap over there, like chicken nuggets and tater tots...so i scrambled to get some stuff together that really wasn't enough. I didn't even taste the food i ate today. I had to shovel in bites of brown rice and green beans while also fending off a child who so joyously loves to assault not just staff...but female staff in particular.

I love my job. It sounds like i don't, but i do. The kids, while they're a handful, are great and entertaining and make the day interesting to say the least. I love the people i work with and i do actually like going to work. But i'm tired, and today i would have loved to say no...no i can't come in today. But i feel like i have to come up with an excuse...and, i have dirty laundry overflowing in my bedroom isn't a good enough one.

I have to go to the gym at 5:00am tomorrow morning because i wont have time otherwise...so that leaves me getting up at 4:30am..which i usually do but i could use some sleep. I could use a good solid 6 hours of sleep...and in the near and distant future...the probability of that happening is disappointingly low.

I can't keep up. I'm always catching up. I'm always behind and i'm always tired. I want to be happy and i want to be healthy but i always seem to do things that sabotage my efforts. Today, i didn't binge, i worked out, and aside from being tired and not getting anything done that i was supposed to, i feel like today was a success (food, exercise wise). But i can't run on empty all the time, i can't live my life rushing to the next class, the next shift at work, rushing to get my homework done, the apartment clean, rushing to the gym. It's not the way to live life..but i don't know how to go about making my life more simple. Maybe it's as simple as saying no to work...but then i feel bad...i feel like i've let them down.

I don't know. I just need to find a balance. Balance is good. How you live a balanced life...i don't know...but i'll have to learn i guess.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry you got called in on your day off of work. At my previous job I used to say yes all the time when people asked me to work for them. And you're right, you do feel like you've let people down if you say no or that you need to come up with a reason, but sometimes you just have to make it about you. I finally said no to someone who asked me to work for them and they asked why I wouldn't, like it should matter why I didn't want to work for them, but I was just like because I scheduled myself when it would work for me and my life and it's not my fault that you didn't do the same. Sounds mean right? But they told the supervisor "I forgot I had this birthday party out of town", sounded like bs to me so I wasn't going to cover for them. Point is...you have to make time for yourself and it certainly sounds like you need some time for yourself. I hope you can find that balance between work, school, and other things in life! Reading this blog has given me a kick in the pants because I have a day off to do cleaning and everything this else I need to get done but yet I haven't started and it's now 3 in the afternoon. So thanks for posting lol!
    3931 days ago
  • MICAH07G
    I love Enya!! I listened to one of her albums the other night while stretching and trying not to freak because I felt so overwhelmed with school. I hope things are have lightened up for you a bit :) Keep on working hard and that determination will always pay off in the end! Enjoy the weekend!
    3932 days ago
    Hey, Renee. I understand what you're feeling and saying. You want to please everyone, and feel like you're not good enough if you don't accomplish it all. You don't need to "suck it up." You need to say "no" once in a while. Micah07g is right, sleep is probably THE most important component of a healthy lifestyle, and it's the one we all tend to ignore the most. Good luck to you in trying to find your balance! It's usually never an easy decision. My personal struggle right now is that I'm going to be getting done with my job. I LOVE my job and had planned to finish out the school year. Our adoption is finally going to happen, and it's going to be important for our little girl to spend time with my husband and myself and bond with us, not a baby-sitter. So I will be staying home. But there's this little boy that I am a 1:1 with that I love very much who will still need to have a 1:1. I feel terrible about having to tell him I won't be his teacher anymore. I don't know if it will actually bother him at all, but it bothers me that I'm leaving him mid-year. It bothers me that I'm leaving the school in a difficult position. They're really good people there. The money may not be much, but they're good people to work for. But I've been waiting for about 8 years now to be a mother, and I'm going to grab every minute of it that I can and do all I can to help her transition to being with us!

    I hope you keep talking. I think it will help you work through things as they come up. Take care.

    3932 days ago
  • RDM1989
    Thanks so much for the comment! It brought tears to my eyes! People always say that it feels so much better when someone can identify with you and it's totally true. It's awesome when someone can just say "yes! i know how you feel" or just validate that what you're feeling isn't crazy. I always feel like i'm being a baby, like i need to just suck it up...but maybe what i really need is a nice cup of tea and some Enya! haha. Thanks again!
    3934 days ago
  • MICAH07G
    Ok way to eerie how your blog was my entire life before.... I feel you on every single thing and I have to say taking time for yourself is as important a part of being healthy as exercising and eating right. If you don't get good sleep, and as college students thats few and far between, it messes with the ghrelin and leptin levels the brain produces. These hormones suppress appetites and cravings.. Importance of good sleep! I know it's tough oh girl I know all too well! I gave up a job I loved!! Loved!!! at a doctors office this semester because I knew I needed my time to finish school. I was always feeling the way you do.. If they needed extra help I'd stay because I felt bad for saying no, even if it meant going to bed in the wee hours of the morning to finish homework, which I will be doing tonight and it's only the first week of class. What this says about this semester for me I don't even want to know. I am taking 18hrs and doing research hours for grad school as well as trying to find some time to volunteer, which seems to be nonexistant. My bf lives 9 hrs away and I fly down to see him every other weekend. While he is sleeping, I get to stay up with homework because I hate doing homework while he's awake and we can see each other.
    There has been only one solution for me and that is to entrust your heart to God. Make His desires your own and He won't put you in a position to fail. If you are feeling bad about work, pray about it and listen to Him. He has all the answers and strength we will ever need.
    You did great today!! Kuddos for exercising and eating well even though your day was hectic!! That's a major victory and also way to go on waking up in the am for a workout. Tomorrow I have class from 8am to 9pm so I'll be trudging it to the gym after a 13hr day...
    We can do this!!! If you ever need anything, support or suggestions whatever it may be please feel free to send me an email or whatever. I am also a psyc major and am loving every minute of it.
    Goodluck tomorrow and I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
    Keep up the hard work and remember that every victory is one step closer to becoming the person you want to be no matter how big or small.
    3934 days ago
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