Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Today was supposed to be my day off. My day to catch up, on sleep, laundry, homework, groceries, cleaning..my day to accomplish all the things that add up, that just can't be done on my school days, which consist of12 hours on campus, or my work days, which are typically 14 hour shifts, MY DAY.
MY DAY to read a book to make myself a cup of tea, my day to go on the computer and look up stupid things that are insignificant to life itself. But no.
I got an 8am wake up call from work asking if i could come in. Now, i could have said no. I could have said no and gone back to sleep until 8:30am like i planned, gone to the gym, came home, cleaned the apartment, done laundry, gotten groceries, worked on my school work and then spent the evening making a nice dinner and reading or watching some tv, gone to bed early and been bright eyed and bushy tailed for a lonnnnnng day on campus tomorrow. But i said yes. I always say yes. Because i can't say no.
So i rushed to get ready, rushed to get some breakfast, rushed to work, and spent 9:00am-8:00pm rushing around, disciplining kids (i work in a residential facility for kids who have severe behavior issues and are 99.9% of the time, violent), don't do this, don't do that, please use your inside voice, don't hit me, that hurts, that's not appropriate, that's not okay, blah blah blah and by the end of the day, i'm tired of my own voice.
So thennn after a long day on my feet i drag myself to the gym because i didn't have time to do it in the morning, i work out, and i come home, to my laundry that isn't done, the school work that hasn't been touched, a fridge without food, and a dirty apartment and i want to cry. I feel utterly defeated. I'm exhausted and annoyed and i want to go to sleep but while i did work today and i did work out, i didn't get ANYTHING else done.
I had to bring my food to work because they eat crap over there, like chicken nuggets and tater tots...so i scrambled to get some stuff together that really wasn't enough. I didn't even taste the food i ate today. I had to shovel in bites of brown rice and green beans while also fending off a child who so joyously loves to assault not just staff...but female staff in particular.
I love my job. It sounds like i don't, but i do. The kids, while they're a handful, are great and entertaining and make the day interesting to say the least. I love the people i work with and i do actually like going to work. But i'm tired, and today i would have loved to say no...no i can't come in today. But i feel like i have to come up with an excuse...and, i have dirty laundry overflowing in my bedroom isn't a good enough one.
I have to go to the gym at 5:00am tomorrow morning because i wont have time otherwise...so that leaves me getting up at 4:30am..which i usually do but i could use some sleep. I could use a good solid 6 hours of sleep...and in the near and distant future...the probability of that happening is disappointingly low.
I can't keep up. I'm always catching up. I'm always behind and i'm always tired. I want to be happy and i want to be healthy but i always seem to do things that sabotage my efforts. Today, i didn't binge, i worked out, and aside from being tired and not getting anything done that i was supposed to, i feel like today was a success (food, exercise wise). But i can't run on empty all the time, i can't live my life rushing to the next class, the next shift at work, rushing to get my homework done, the apartment clean, rushing to the gym. It's not the way to live life..but i don't know how to go about making my life more simple. Maybe it's as simple as saying no to work...but then i feel bad...i feel like i've let them down.
I don't know. I just need to find a balance. Balance is good. How you live a balanced life...i don't know...but i'll have to learn i guess.