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Searching for the magic that is self Love

Monday, January 11, 2010

I seem to find myself putting my thoughts out there for the world a lot these days in one sight or another. The question of the day is to figure out how to love our selves, which at least for me seems to be the impossible dream. I really don't know why as I am a very compassionate and loving person I believe and have a deep urge to help others and a love for my country and life in general. On the other hand I can't figure how I am too love and accept myself when no one in society takes a look at me and accepts me or cares what I am on the inside, but instead automatically sees me and acts as if I make them sick to look at. I in turn stare in the mirror searching so hard and trying to look and see what i know is good and loving inside myself and all I see is the fat and truthfully in makes me sick as well to have to look at and even sicker to live inside of held so tightly by the pounds of fat that surround the real me that wants freed from this prison so badly.
Most all that truly take the time to know the real me love me and see my compassion and it is enough for them to love me and see past the fact yet I live within the walls of the fat and know me better than anyone, but I seem to not be able to get past the fact that I was not good enough to be loved or supported and embraced with the important things like self worth, or self esteem as a child and though I would try so hard I never seemed to be able to be good enough and now as that grown man struggles that same little boy cries out for answers begging to know that he did so wrong and why food was both his best friend and worst enemy.
Maybe my problems are so deeply rooted because even food, which most people even with this terrible addiction agree was always comforting was not for me. My step dad found ways to torment me with food as well. I remember the refrigerator having chains put around it because I would get something extra out between meals trying to comfort myself. I remember cupcakes filled with snuff and being forced to eat them and then being sick for a few days. Then you flip that around and guess what we go to Burger King every few months and have a family outing and food is the reward again. So many mixed signals I just must realize I may never be able to silence the cries of that little broken boy inside and that food is not the best choice to muffle his cries.
My focus must be on the man that is here now and someway finding a way to love and accept who he is and not judge him by the fat that imprisons the real person behind the fat that is so easily used as the gauge by the world to judge the person. Well the thoughts are fading for a while so I guess it is enough crying over spilled milk for now, but I do in advance ask all who might read this blog to say a quick pray as I continue the fight to find the answers and the love for myself that must be found to ever truly overcome the demons of the past that haunt me so deeply as I work so hard to silence the broken child that resides so deeply within the depths of my soul.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • EMNURSE23
    Rick, I know I am late in reading this, but my prayers are with you. You can do ANYTHING through Christ. You are worthy of self love. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help. May God shower His richest blessings upon you!
    3057 days ago
  • WHIPPEACHZ
    I too once hated myself, and to a point even now I think a little is still there. I have one full length mirror in the house and a bookshelf is in front of it. You can break the cycle, but it takes time. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself... maybe your ability to write or some small feature you like, add one thing to it every week. Post that list on the fridge to remind you every time you falter. Make a list of all the reasons you want to do this and post that next to it. Remember that this is your choice... and only you can make those day to day decisions. Use I statements to reinforce that it is you in charge. Keep blogging, keep reaching out, there are so many here that are struggling with the past. One quote that has become my favorite... "we must let go of who we are to become what we might be." If you ever need help feel free to write me. We can all do this if we stick together.
    3341 days ago
  • no profile photo SUMOFRACTIONS
    Hi Rick I just read your biog. You'll be in my prayers. Best of luck on your weight loss efforts. It's often far easier to forgive others than ourselves, but, in the long run it's a necessary skill to learn. Where you are now is at the beginning of a new day. You can do this just take it a day at a time. Once you begin feeling good about the daily challenges that you meet you'll begin to feel a little better about the past defeats. Feel free to email me anytime via Sparkmail, there are plenty of people here to support you. Best of luck
    3341 days ago
  • HRENEE40
    Hi Rick, I ran across your page and blog and just wanted to say you're in my prayers. I think many of us can relate to the idea of learning to love ourselves. I know I've struggled with it for as long as I can remember. You'll certainly find a great support system here. We can all support each other.. :-)

    emoticon
    3341 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9898685
    You are in my prayers Rick. I know the struggle. I dream of food everyday. I dream of swimming in chocolate. Sometimes I feel food is my only friend and comfort. We're here for you. I'm here. You can spark mail me anytime. I have a few everyday I private message for support and comfort. Also, on my spark page. But, whatever feels comfortable. Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon emoticon
    3346 days ago
  • CANBDONE
    How 'bout a new blog?
    3423 days ago
  • ISAGLOWINGGIRL
    Hey Rick...After all this time, you're still in my thoughts and prayers! I'm sending encouraging thoughts your way today! emoticon
    3504 days ago
  • LUCKYGIRL1963
    I empathize with you and agree with the other responses to your blog:) So many people have inner issues that they need to re-visit as adults to put into proper perspective. This does not diminish their importance but puts a different view on how we can deal with them. It probably sounds trite but "you" have to decide how you feel about yourself and remember that others' opinions are not as important as your own! I believe that when we gain proper perspective on our own "self worth" the rest of our life becomes better...lol...not necessarily easier but definitely better!!! I have had to re-think my life and am glad for this in itself. I have learned to accept things differently now and boy am I glad...really wish I didn't wait so long either;)
    Just remember to keep sight of your "preferred" future you and don't put so much emphasis on the past that it hinders your future.
    Take care of yourself and remember that you can do this:)
    3527 days ago
  • --MAY--
    Hello, Sending warm thoughts and prayers to your angels to help you through this... emoticon emoticon
    3560 days ago
  • no profile photo EYEZON169
    Praying for you Rick. I am fighting the same battle. But one day at a time, we will find that self love and others will see the good in us. emoticon
    3560 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/21/2010 4:35:42 PM
  • NEWJUDE10
    Little Rick, I'm with you. You are in my prayers.
    3560 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5741646
    I agree, inner child work is what needs to be done... you have to find a way to forgive yourself as well as others and then start that long journey becomeing your best friend..embrace that inner child and do for him what others did not or could not..you can do this and you must... I know
    3593 days ago
  • HILLCOUNTRYLYNN
    Hi I was just checking in on you and wondering how you are doing.
    3598 days ago
  • SARAH5321
    Hi Rick, that badly treated child is still inside you and as an adult you can now show him just how it should have been.
    Be kind to him, nurture him and show him the love he never had, help him to grow and accept what happened and how to move on, when he wants to turn to food for comfort show him another way, you have the power now and the help and love from your lovely family and the rest of us Sparkers.
    There are a lot of us out here who have similar stories and it is not an easy road we are travelling but with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work we will get there.
    emoticon
    3669 days ago
  • FUNNYGRANNY71
    I really enjoyed reading your blog. With your home life when you were growing up like it was I can understand why you feel the way you are with food. I also have a great big problem with self-esteem and self-love. I did not have anything like you had in the way of treatment. I think sometimes you just know. This was also my step-father too. The thing I have had to fight is why did my mother allow him to do it. I have finally put these feelings in their proper place. It is over and I have forgiven them, believe it or not. Feelings are what they are, just feelings. It is the way we react to them that brings on problems. I wish you all the best in the future.
    3779 days ago
  • BLOSSOMKITTY
    I have been self medicating with food lately and sometimes I think I love myself then other times I realize i may not as much as i think I do or should....taking it moment by moment heps. not even day by day or hour by hour.....just being in the moment.
    Im in this fight for healing with you....God IS Faithful!

    hugs!
    stephanie
    3855 days ago
  • CARRIEV65
    Hi Rick ...
    we are very much a like in many ways .... email me ... we can do this together
    carrie
    cavinson@aol.
    com
    3877 days ago
  • SEAGLASSQUEEN
    I too had to discover how to love myself, I borrowed God's love for me until mine kicked in. It took a while to mentally and spiritually overwrite the self hatred. I remember a bumper sticker on a car that said "God don't make Junk". Each one of us is his offspring.
    I read your pain and know how you feel. I have come across a lot of people who feel the way you do now, some of them had no weight to lose or other challenges that beset them.
    The scripture" Be still and know that I am God" comforts me.


    3878 days ago
  • no profile photo COOKNRAND
    emoticon God Bless you RICK! -My heaviest was 320 pounds 33 YEARS AGO...But I have to fight to stay out of the 300's.The past 8 years I did manage to get and stay in the 178-183 range but this Summer I am back over 200! I feel your pain.Your story opens my eyes to there really is nice people still round these days!! Good luck, I will pray for you too.Have a Super week emoticon
    3880 days ago
  • TANZAR2002
    I will pray for you, I understad the pain you are going thru remember Paul with the thorn in his side, we all have thorns to endure, ut the end product is Roses, keep up the good work
    3884 days ago
  • STEELERCRAZY
    Prayers are being said...I see before me a wonderful man who is awesomely made. If you could only see what I see when I look at your blog, look at your page. If you could only see the man that speaks these words, out of the sincerity of his heart. You are such a good person, such a kind and LOVING person. Do you know that God has many things in store for you? You are a FIGHTER, a WARRIOR and you are not done! The fact that you bared your soul to us right now speaks volumes of the man you truly are!

    You are a winner in my book, my friend. You have already accomplished soooo much and you need to hold that head up of yours and be PROUD. Big time.

    I will be praying for you and holding you close in my thoughts. God bless you, dear soul. Take care.

    Michelle emoticon emoticon
    3886 days ago
  • MINDYJ1
    Wow! Look at the weight you have lost so far! You have done fantastic! Just remember that God loves you! Just the way you are! He has brought you this far and just trust in Him to bring you the rest of the way! One of my favorite scriptures is Philippians 3:13 and 14-But this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. I believe that is what you are doing! Praying that God will lead you and direct you! Mindy
    3886 days ago
  • DEE107
    will add you to my prayer list and good luck with your journey
    3886 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2316251
    I will be praying for you. GOD says in HIS HOLY BIBLE that man looks at the outward appearance but GOD looks at the heart.
    You were made in God's image, therefore, you are worth a lot. Please let GOD know how you feel. HE all ready knows but HE wants to hear it from you. HE WILL AND IS PUTTING HIS LOVING AND COMFORTING ARMS AROUND YOU! As far as the past goes, give that to The LORD also. Sometimes HE just takes memories away and sometimes HE brings counselors into one's life to work things out. PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE WORTH EVERYTHING IN GOD'S EYES! We are here for you! Again, I will be praying for you.
    GOD BLESS!
    Louise
    3886 days ago
  • SARASODA
    I really got a lot out of Your blog. I was just thinking the other day why do I sabatos myself.,I must not care enough about me. I'm messing up again and can't seem to get back on track. I'm good to everyone else but me no. I will pray for You . Many blessings to You . Sarasoda emoticon
    3886 days ago
  • CALIMAN1
    My brother, your blog grips the heart, it truly does....and your Spark Page in general is very inspirational...here is what I can say, while that little boy struggles to get out and enjoy a happy childhood, that man that you see in the mirror is touching so many lives on Spark People....that man you see in the mirror is a motivation...a Son of the Living God....a masterpiece created by the most incredible Artist any of us can ever know! That man is very special...unique...one of a kind, and God knew you before you were born, in fact, He knit you inside your mother...He lives inside you even now.

    Now I challenge you as a brother to look in the mirror again and see that, yes, there is someone wanting to get out! Someone wanting to see the sunshine. I firmly believe that he will be loosed and will be a walking testimony to hard work, perseverence, and God's grace. You will reach your goals, you will GIT R DONE!!!!! And we will celebrate this journey with you, one step, one breath at a time!

    God bless!!!!!!!!!

    emoticon
    3886 days ago
  • CANBDONE
    Ah, Ricky....that Inner Child needs constant attention. We try so hard to push it down and quiet the cries. We think if we ignore it, it'll just go to sleep. The bottom line is that we must be the mother and father of our inner child. We've got to acknowledge the pain and comfort it...but not with food. Food only feels good until it's gone. Somehow, we've got to learn how to get our comfort from something else. We know that God looks at us with different eyes...He sees our hearts and knows our pain. Learning to lay everything at the foot of the cross is my only hope. I can't rely on myself...only the strength that God gives me. I will continue to pray for your healing and relief...that He will protect your mind and heart and give you peace and strength to fight this battle. You're not alone...I care, as do your many other Spark friends.
    3892 days ago
  • NORAKENO
    We just keep trying. God bless, Rick! I'm praying for you.
    3900 days ago
  • JUSTWANTTOLOOSE
    Your question of the day is a hard one! Even that I have been at this for only a little while - some days are much harder than others.

    First off, let's put society on the back burner...for now anyway. I've come to this conclusion with myself....we can only change ourselves, and if people don't want to know you -- well, it's their loss!

    I hear the pain that you write about in your blog and I'm thinking yes, you've got to somehow turn that around. Instead of seeing bad, look for the good. It may be the self talk or beliefs that keep us down some of the time. You already know that good, as there is good in there! And a way of thinking about it maybe to do something good for that "person" everyday. It could be a small thing, and then slowly build on that. You've come a long way already, and possibly looking back at what you were doing or what worked so far for you may help.

    I read a good article here on sparks this morning, " Optimism and the Power of Positive Thinking", where it describes the difference between an Optimist and a Pessimist and it states "luckily , you can change your thinking pattern over time", the link is below:

    http://www.sparkpeopl
    e.com/resource/wellness_article
    s.asp?id=835

    I'm thinking, the process of changing our way of thinking is essentially "learning to love yourself".

    The road you've travelled is a hard one, and it sadden me to know it's keeping you from moving forward sometimes. I know you can keep searching, in fact we're all searching for that same answer. We're got to think in the line of treating ourselves better - sounds selfish, I know...but when we treat ourselves better, we treat everyone better.

    Hope everything is going ok - and if I've said anything out of line, please let me know!

    3901 days ago
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