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Another Senseless Death...

Monday, January 11, 2010

I haven’t posted a blog in a long time – it’s not really my thing – but I feel compelled to write, and I want to share what has happened.

I am overwhelmed by my emotions. I’m stunned, angry, devastated, and confused. It's been a few days, but these feelings continue to build, so I figured I’d better write about it. I decided to put this in blog form to better share it. So here I am, trying to work it out in my mind.

Another senseless death and I can't find any reason in it. I know many of you will want to comment below about taking comfort in God’s Plan, and having faith, and we’ll meet again in Heaven, and so forth, but I know all that! Honestly, I don’t need to be reminded.

I hope you can hang with me through this long explanation!

My son died saving a half-grown kitten that belonged to a neighbor of his, a 16-year-old girl he had befriended along with most of the kids and families on his street. The girl's parents – who are known as standoffish, emotionally volatile, and basically "weird" – had not helped the stranded kitty, and admitted preventing their daughter from acting as well.

That's why it was thought the kitten was a stray, and why – after two days – several of the neighbors took action themselves, which is how Scott got involved. If Scott had known it was Corban's kitten, I’m sure he would have done exactly the same as he did, so it wouldn't have made a difference in HIS outcome - I know that for sure.

However, learning after the fact how irresponsibly HER parents had acted... That's been hard. Oh, they had their reasons, why they were too busy… Corban’s mother wrote me a letter the day after Scott fell to his death, "explaining" their side, but she never accepted any responsibility, or even apologized.

On the first anniversary of Scott’s death – see my last blog – I went to Scott's to be with the neighbors to whom he was closest. When I arrived, I impulsively went across the street to see THEM. I wanted to see the cat, and meet the girl; I wanted to face my anger towards her parents. It was actually a positive and healing experience, but not important here.

I was on the porch, talking to her parents and cuddling the now-grown cat, when Corban finished getting ready, and came outside in a rush to leave. When I was introduced, I thought she was going to turn and run away... she froze, and then lowered her head and said, crying, "I'm sorry" over and over again. She said, "Please forgive me."

I put my arms around her and said, "There's nothing to forgive, you didn't do anything wrong. I NEVER blamed you, and Scott wouldn't blame you either." She completely broke down in my arms and sobbed for a long time. I left hoping she would feel the relief-from-guilt she so obviously needed, and rightly deserved.

If you had asked me beforehand what I planned to say when I went over there, I couldn't have told you... but I was SO glad I talked to Corban that day! I didn't spend more time with her, but at Christmas I gave her the last DVD I had of Scott's memorial video, and I always sent my regards through Scott’s upstairs neighbors.

This was the tree outside Corban's house when Scott died:

And now I'm finally getting to the purpose of this post:

Corban was killed by a drunk driver.


WHY? WHY?? WHY??? She was just getting started... Finally free from her parents' craziness – they gave her moving boxes for her 18th birthday – she was living with her boyfriend's grandma and felt like part of a REAL family for the first time in her life.

Didn't Scott already die, to help her? Why did SHE have to die too? I can’t make any sense of it! Waiting at a red light after a fun night out with her sweetheart, and in a split second, a drunk driver changes everything… I'm SO angry!!! I'm so angry.

For those who pray, please keep Corban’s boyfriend – who walked away with minor injuries – in your prayers as he faces this tremendous loss; and for his family, who took her in as their own. Also, please think of Corban’s many friends, most of whom recently graduated from high school.

I'm also praying for the many people who received Corban's organs and tissues, who will have healthy - and longer - lives because of her death.

I’m especially praying for, and asking prayers for, Scott’s upstairs neighbors, to whom he was so close, and who are now my dear friends as well.

The daughter, who witnessed Scott’s death, was best friends with Corban since they were five; the mother has been a surrogate “Mom” to Corban for the past thirteen years. This is their third unexpected death in less then two years, as several months after Scott died, so did their father/grandfather.

And so my ramblings come to an end…
Did you make it all the way through my tome?
Thank you ~ Thank you so much.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    That's so sad, but it's wonderful that she was able to make her peace with you, and that she donated her organs to help others.
    142 days ago
    emoticon My heart breaks for you and Scott and Corban~ emoticon BB~
    992 days ago
    Hugs, Prayers and Love to you, MIMAWELIZABETH and All who have been touched by Corbin and Scott.
    3190 days ago
    you gave her the greastest gift. she had been suffering with guilt over your son and needed forgivness. she found out thru your love you hadn't held it against her. with that she was able to forgive herself. she finally had peace of mind and was able to find happiness because of you.
    i will pray for you all to find comfort, peace of mind and soul.
    3190 days ago
    Oh, Sweetie, I can't say anything to make you feel better. No one can. One tragedy on top of another while the first wound is still so very raw. I am so sorry this has happened to you and all the others you mentioned. I, too, experienced the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one.

    It's been 15 years.Sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. Sometimes it feels like a bad dream. I define my life in 2 very distinct sections---before Bill died and after Bill died.

    I have never asked why--I guess I'll find out when I die.
    I have never been angry--who would I be mad at? Bill? I refuse to go there.

    What I do know is that my faith has carried me through. I can't explain it--it just happens. I somehow found strength that I didn't even know I had. Strength to breathe in and then out. Strength to accept the love and help that people sent my way. Strength to go on.

    You have found strength--you have reached out to people who seem most unlovable. You have put goodness where there was very little. You have been gracious.

    I haven't watched your video. I may not. I have a video of Bill's funeral and the procession. I have never watched it. I don't know if I ever will. Because Bill was captain of the fire dept., every fire truck in town led the way. Bill was the funeral director in our very small town. Funeral Directors help others--they don't know how to handle a tragedy when it strikes home. Strangers stood along the roadsides with their heads bowed. The world seemed to stop for a brief moment. Oh my, now I'm going on and on.

    I have always tried to find something to be thankful for every day. I found something to be thankful for on that awful day in July, 1995--if you knew the circumstances, you'd understand. I have found things to be thankful for every day since.

    Just know this. There are people who love you. Some you know. Some you don't---your SP family. I will lift you and all who have been touched by this up in prayer--many, many times over the next months.

    It is said that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I don't know if this is true, but sometimes I felt like I couldn't go on.

    Sometimes I think God is calling all the good folks home early. I can't believe He is going to allow this world to go on much longer---a world where nothing shocks us, nothing is off limits.

    People sometimes say things like "they are watching over you". I prefer to think that this is not true. I do believe there are angels--but not our dear loved ones. Why would I want my dear Bill to look over me from above and see the mess this world is in? I prefer to believe he is having a blast! Hunting with no limits! Scuba diving with no need for a tank of air!Skiing without falling down! And never missing an important family event because he was needed by a grieving family. Laughing, laughing, laughing, and eating a gallon of French Vanilla ice cream without gaining an ounce (which he did)!

    I apologize for rattling on and on. It's so hard for me not to.

    Take care of yourself.
    3190 days ago
    Oh, my, my, what a heartbreaking story. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son and for this young girl that he tried so hard to help. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.

    I stopped by to thank you for supporting me on my blog. I hope I can return the favor, just a little bit.

    Please know that you're thought of, and I wish you peace. emoticon
    3190 days ago
  • JOYANN80
    Very beautiful video and a handsome young man! My prayers and thoughts are with you, your friends, and family and so many other people's lives he touched. emoticon emoticon
    3195 days ago
  • SPARKIE1964
    I am just reading this now and am truly at a loss for words about both senseless losses. Read about your son in your older blogs and am truly touched by the love and respect you express for him, especially by choosing to embrace life today.

    Sounds like two incredibly loving spirits connected in this life which was a gift. It should give you some comfort to know that you were able to let her reconcile her own grief/guilt over the loss of your son.

    As a mom of 2 teenage kids, I am regularly worried that something will happen to them which is typical for a parent. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain.

    Big virtual hug to you.
    emoticon emoticon
    3255 days ago
  • BO42SOX
    I wish to God I had answers,I don't-----The "parents" of the punk who caused my Son's accident never even acknowledged,called,asked if we needed a ride to the hospital-NOTHING- Ive been trying to figure out who I hate more, the punk or his parents-Yea I know all about too the healing,and days I think Im better,than something sets me off, and I'm bitter again.I'm trying so hard to be better and not bitter--I'm sorry,I'm going off on my own tandrum, and you too my Friend hurt----------I don't have answers,I only wish I did-- emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon -Kathleen
    3328 days ago
    Honor them by celebrating the memory of their lives. We are not defined by the brief tragedy of our deaths but by all the people we touch along the journey. .....i wish you peace.
    3351 days ago
    There is not rhythm or reason to life and death but there is always those who have to bear the consequences. Please do not lose your faith in the difficult times. God bless.
    3351 days ago
  • _MAOMAO_
    Elizabeth, you and all of Corban's friends are in my prayers. I hope you get to let Corban's boyfriend know that so many of us are praying for him. The daughter has practically lost a sister, her mom has practically lost a daughter. I'm so glad you got to talk to and hug Corban - I hope she was able to absorb that Scott's death was not her fault, that she didn't have to bear that guilt.
    3384 days ago
    It makes no sense and it is so hard to accept when young people die. I am so proud of you for writing out your feelings. Seems for awhile on here the only thing I wrote about was my daughter's death (2008). I am available if you ever need to vent on a private message - we have a common bond that I wish we didn't. I pray for you and the others you mentioned. This is such a hard road....and our kids want us to keep on living, though somedays it is so painful.
    Thank you for sharing with us, it took courage.
    Lisa Rousseau
    (Jessie's Mom)

    3386 days ago
    Elizabeth, what a horrible tragedy. I am so sorry. emoticon emoticon
    3387 days ago
    I am sorry for all of your losses. I am praying for you.

    3388 days ago
  • VICKIB01
    My prayers to you and everyone involved.. I can only imagine your pain not to mention anger and upset. emoticon
    3388 days ago
  • KAT7457
    my thoughts and prayers are with you and the families involved.
    3388 days ago
    I am saddened and truly Shocked! I'm so sorry, and I will keep you and all those you mentioned in my prayers.
    3389 days ago
    Oh my goodness, you've been through so much. My prayers are with you and Corban's boyfriend. They were both senseless deaths. Keep your head up.
    3389 days ago
  • SHERRY666
    You have been through so much with Scott's death..... and now the girl he was helping with the cat........ has to die.. and by a drunk driver...... None of it makes sense to me....... So I can only imagine what your going through....... I will keep them all in my thoughts...... along with you Elizabeth..... I really hope you can get through this with not too much negative feelings......... We are here for you at any time........ Thanks for sharing this with us..
    3389 days ago
    maybe god needed her back home...we will not know until we return ourselves. but think of the comfort that two friends have been reunited and the fact she had the relief of talking to you before she died. my husband and i went thru a string of deaths ranging from immediate family members and friends in a short time period...the road to peace is sometimes long but remember you might not understand why but someday you will. take care of yourself. its okay to cry but when the anger comes use it in a positive way...to make a change. maybe this tragic event will motivate someone to make a difference for someone else. we will remember then in our prayers. honor their lives by living yours better and helping others along the way. god bless and praying you find the peace and comfort you need.
    3389 days ago
    I'm so sorry that there are these tragedies so close to you Mimaw. My heart goes out to Corban's boyfriend and family and to all their friends, and I pray they will find support to guide them through this terrible and senseless loss.
    3389 days ago
    No one can ever feel how you feel, but I do understand the frustration and anger at such senseless deaths. My late husband was killed by a drunk driver and burned beyond recognition when his tractor-trailer exploded. The man driving the pickup that caused the crash died too. He was 3 times over the legal limit and was an indigent, so there was no wrongful death case or any kind of settlement. I, too, have searched for a reason, and I have heard all the comments about having faith, but it is hard to make sense of it when your whole life, and the lives of so many other people are inexplicably changed forever. I hope you find some peace in sharing your story with us.
    3389 days ago
  • NATALIE1964
    How to make sense of these terrible losses..
    I really don't know..

    I hope you find the peace to get through this.

    3389 days ago
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