Breaking free from the past
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Well the journey continues as I work to get back on track from a major train wreck that is my life. I weighed today and the scales revealed almost sixty pounds more than I was the middle of August when yet again the wheels ran off the wagon. I know as much or more than any dietician or nutritionist in the field I dare say yet in spite of all this knowledge I still find myself abusing food and not knowing how to stop the painful cycle that is destroying me. I fight and do well and then sooner or later it all blows up and I end up months later crying as I realize I have blew it once again.
I know without a doubt it is the psychological side of the fight I am losing as the boy that was so so wronged as a child cries out for what he missed in childhood and I want so badly to drag him out and love him and fix him for both our sakes yet as he screams and cries I end up eating more and more trying to bury the pain and the cries deeper within and each time the binge is over, which at times is not until I am physically sick and I cry not again yet when the cries yell out again I find myself buried in the comfort of food yet again muffling the cries of a boy that wants to know why to so many questions. Oh so many complex questions that I find at the roots of the prison walls of fat the imprison me so tightly with such a hold they are taking my very life each day. I ask oh I beg someone tell me is junk food really the preferred prescription for a boy that loses his dad at the age of almost 7 and did the little boy lose his dad then or did truthfully alcohol take his dad long before the officer brought the news of death that cold March day.
So many questions and no real answers. I ask myself why was nothing I ever did really good enough to have praise when I was young and raised by Mom and her new choice for my dad. I know that little boy got punished horrible for most everything and was whipped and tormented for wetting beds or sneaking that sweet snack that had become his new best friend, but was I really that bad kid or was I just unfortunate and unjustly punished as I keep telling myself. Oh I say I have forgiven my parents who are now both feeble and living in my care as I work to do my best making sure they are taken care of and I have prayed and forgiven them, but have yet to move forward far enough that I don't slip right back in the pits and have to crawl out again.
Oh the questions how they linger as I tell myself and others how I have learned to love myself, but have I truly learned to love myself for if I did would I keep poisoning me with the overdose of food until I am one day yet another on a growing list of people who has lost the battle and died from severe morbid obesity. You cry for help and they give you a calorie counter and preach portion control and self will, but who has the sermon and when will it be preached on how to overcome the demons within that we fight so hard to silence with food because we know of no other way to deal with all the pains that haunt us.
I know this is just rambling, but trust me the pain is real and the request for prayers is real as I pray to the heavenly father for the answers I so desperately seek and the strength to keep fighting as I try so hard to break through from this prison of fat that holds me so with such a tight grip it is sucking the life from me a little more each day.
I am moving forward as it is a new year and hopefully this will be the year I can find some answers and move a few steps forward without moving back twice that many.