prefix: i made sure this blog is an equal amount good and bad things...yes, i do have some venting going on, but i balanced it out with some positiveness...one of my resolutions is to try and do more of that.
so i don't know what's been going on with me the past few days...i was doing good emotionally for a while and all of a sudden the past few days i'm just BLAH, depressed & down in the dumps
before i start my vent, i will begin the blog with something positive....so yesterday i was at my grandma's for her 91st birthday...aside from leaving early b/c my obnoxious cousin was insulting me and being mean all night (and he's 50 years old btw), for a good 3 hours...i was staring at pizza, a ton of candies, chips & pretzels right in front of me...it was after dinner, i was done eating for the day...i didn't touch any of it....when i went home, i was soo proud of myself
my eating has been really exceptional the past few days...i am trying hard...i want to get back to my skinniest, best weight and look better then i ever did...would be nice if my body didn't hurt and get injured so easily...i'm willing to do the work, but this body acts like crap-o-la a lot...i don't know what i'd do if i didn't get free chiro adjustments..i'd be poor or in worse pain then i am in now lol
but yea i am about 124ish now which in my head is like "DIANE HOW WHAT WHEN WHY AND WTF DID U DO THIS TO YOURSELF FOR????" Last year this time, I was a nice 115 and actually felt good about my body...i feel marshmellow-y again and BLAH....i mean new years 06-07 i resolved to lose 30 pounds and i did and kept it off, but i guess somewhere along 2009 between being depressed, losing the dog, thinking i didn't have to count calories no more and maybe relaxing my eating a little too much, freaking pounds crept back on...ew...but i resolve to relose them & get better...i'm setting small goals...goal #1 is 119...i have lost some of the weight already (around octoberish, right after i lost frisco i'm pretty sure i was teetling around 130) so now i have to keep it up...i ccan cry when i look at pics from last year and see how i lost it.
but yea, so i've been (over)thinking and my birthday is in a few weeks...this is the first year i'm really like UGHH...WHY...I DO NOT WANT TO GET OLDER!!!...i think i am having a "mid-twenties" crisis...
okay, so i am going to be 24 and feel like i have NOTHING...okay, okay so i have a roof over my head, food, and parents who treat me extra good & help me out tremendously thank God..but other then that...
(warning: complaint list)
i don't have my bachelor degree yet, & should of had it in 2008...
i work a crappy dead end job with no benefits and don't get enough hours (tried getting more) and am not even making $200 a week...
i don't have a full time job or career or money saved up AT ALL...
i still live at home with my parents and depend on them financially for just about everything, which is not good...
i don't have a lot of close friends to hang out with..i feel a lot of my friends abandoned me b/c they got boyfriends...
and finally, and this is what bugs me the most..i have been single since 2006
i feel extremely pathetic...why can't i meet a single decent dude? it's like am i that horrible of a person i can't find a boyfriend in FOUR YEARS?!?!?!
i don't know..i'm just feeling useless & hopeless again...
i am going to try to make 2010 the year that i change and hopefully better things will happen...i try so hard to think optimistically but things go so wrong for me so often, it's truly very hard for me to do so...but will try
some of the things i don't like i can and will try to fix, for instance...
i am going back to school in 2 weeks ::gulp:: to finish up & get my bachelor degree...so hopefully from there, i will land a good job & money at some point..i'm not a school person, it doesn't come easy..but i have 10 classes left so it's game time...and when i graduate, i am having the biggest graduation party known to man..even those the rest of my fam that isn't my parents thinks i'm a failure & should have been done already.
i am so grateful my parents do help me out, but i seriously have to learn to save a little..i've been trying to "buy" happiness since I lost my dog in September...ordering stuff like crazy...seriously if i posted my credit card bill you would be sick...and let's just say, I went 23 years without EVER paying interest on my credit card, always paid everything off in full and now I owe a disgusting amount of money that is far more then what's in my pathetic checking account...my parents don't know exactly how much i do owe, they'd kill me...but i am cutting back on buying a lot, no matter how good the sale is....i was supposed to go to boston this weekend and actually cancelled it b/c among snow and stuff, i just don't/can't put the money out...
i wish i was making more money off fitness coaching..i love it, i love the company and i LOVE LOVE LOVE the products..so it's worth it for my 25% discount alone..but in all honesty, i barely make an extra $50 a week from it..i try hard but it's just not easy for me..maybe network marketing (which in essence, is what it really is) isn't my thing..and it's sad because the products are soo awesome...some people are making so much off it, me- not so much...i am having a combo party with my friend who sells arbonne (vegan skincare..awesome stuff too) in a few weeks so hopefully that will draw more people in...but a lot of my local friends/fam don't want to hear about it at all...it gets discouraging.
the boy thing i'm just completely hopeless...i almost don't even believe in "true love" at this point
i am shy around men, wouldn't know where to even meet them or what to do..i can barely make eye contact with a halfway good looking male...it's bad...i'll be a 90 year old woman with 5 dachshunds.
so more good news...my chiro said yesterday i can do LIGHT weights for a SHORT workout
..he STRESSED light..saying don't i dare touch more then 5 lbs and don't do it for more then 20 minutes and see what happens...he got sick of my whining about how badly i want to lift and i am making good progress....so today i did "Slim in 6" Ramp It Up...its a full body, lower impact cardio that had an 8 minute resistance band or light weight section...i still can't do plyo or jumping yet because of the knee...but i had a great workout...the 5 lbs felt heavier then they usually do
but i am feeling a little thing in my right elbow..will see what he says when i see him (the doc) later on...i'd never thought i'd be so thrilled to lift 5lbs haha...he's probably going to tell me to rest it a day or 2 before doing it again...i did notice in my right shoulder the clicking i feel wasn't as bad as it was..
but i've been thinking..with all my shoulder issues and stuff...once they actually heal and i can go back to normal diane lifting, as much as i LOVE
chalean extreme and want to do my third round like last week, it might not be the very best and smartest option for me at this moment because it does a lot of heavy and intense shoulder stuff...i am thinking i am going to do a round of p90x instead...still extreme...still delivers amazing results..but not as shoulder targeted
i completed my first round of p90x in january 09..so a year ago..though i still integrated the DVDs in with my workouts, i never did a full blown 90 day 2nd round....and they say women really peak at 120 days of p90x..so once i can, a (minimum) 120 round of p90x will be in my future
okay, i wrote a lot
if anyone has interested in p90x or chalean extreme or any good vitamins, protein bars or an amazing meal replacement shake called shakeology, check out www.dianemary.com
(wasn't going to do the plug but figured it really can't hurt)...also feel free to message me any questions about any of it
here's hoping this time next year i have a better job, am closer to the degree and have a boyfriend (though the last one i highly highly highly highly highly doubt)
as for 115, i give myself to the end of march at the absolutely latest...i'm hoping it doesn't even take me that long!!!