Not so Happy New Year!
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
I had a pretty good start to the New Year. I got to see my sister and ring in 2010 with her and my daughter. My Fiancee was conspicuously absent from this happy moment though. I didn't think anything of it because he wanted to spend some time with his brother, or so he said, and I told him that was fine because he doesn't get to see him much. The three of us then traveled to his parents house to spend his birthday, he's a new year's baby, and the rest of my winter break before I had to go back to work on the 4th. It seemed a bit strained but I thought it was just worry about how we were going to pay the bills like each of the other 11 Januaries that we have been together. He told me that when we got home he wanted to talk. I said ok, and once again didn't think anything of it. On the way home, on Sunday, I told him that we should talk right then and I would do my best to stay calm. He tried to get me to wait it out until we got home, but at that point I was starting to get worried because I didn't know what would be so important that he would want to talk but wanted to wait for the talk more. I convinced him that it would be ok and we could talk, being that our daughter was asleep in the back seat of the car at this point. He told me that he wasn't happy with our relationship and was thinking that it may be over. I asked him if he still had any feelings for me and he responded,"I don't know!" I was devastated. I know that it is all my fault, because I am a pig and a packrat. Our apartment is a complete wreck because I don't ever clean. I had told his mother, before we left her house, that I was going to clean up the house because I am sick and tired of how it looks. He confirmed that I had done that when he later talked to his mother over the phone. I have been having trouble eating and sleeping since the conversation Sunday and I keep telling him that I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep him and make him happy again. I just wish that I would have seen this coming sooner to keep it from actually getting to this point. I have started to clean the house and get rid of stuff that I don't truly need, and have friends that are planning on coming over to help me this weekend. I am hoping that this will help keep us together. I try not to say 'I love you' to him because I know that all that will do is cause trouble that is currently not needed. I am trying to get him to go with me to see a counselor in the hopes that maybe it can help, but he doesn't want to go. I spend the end of my days crying and hoping that there is something that I can and have been doing since the Conversation which will help our waning relationship. I don't want it to die and I don't want to lose him. He told me last night that he wasn't happy and didn't know if I could ever make him happy again. I cry inside thinking about him saying that. I hope that I can make this work again. I know I am at fault and hope admitting it and changing the problem will help him to love me again.