Is something wrong with me?

Saturday, January 02, 2010

I don't understand why I let myself get so upset.

There are certain people that I have been friends with for a very long time. I did more for some of these friends than I did for members of my own family. Helping buy diapers, gas, other get the idea. Some would return the favor, some would not. That was ok then.

Now that I have a family, and my own kids to worry about, I feel like those same 'friends' have moved on. I love my children more than life itself, but sometimes I need a break. I would love to go out to dinner, or just for coffee. But you see, these people (I keep saying that, but really it is one person in particular I am thinking of) have found other friends, and I guess I just don't fit in with her new crowd. On a certain social networking site (I just wanted to use that term), she is always talking about going to do this, going to do that, going to a hockey game, going out with "the girls". But you see, I guess I am not one of "the girls".

It just hurts to always see everyone else going out and having fun, but I feel like I am the one that gets stuck at home. I feel like she considers me the "fat friend". You know the type. The "fat friend" is the one that it is ok to be friends The "fat friend" can write you an email, and you might answer....eventually.

I am so sick of feeling like this whenever I see her posts. It's an unhealthy relationship...if you would even call it a relationship. I have seen her do so much stuff...stuff that she would get in trouble for if the right (or wrong) people found out.

I have felt betrayed by her so many times...yet I cannot seem to break the tie.

I wish that someone would tell me why? Why am I unable to break free from a person that has obviously been causing me more harm than good? It seems like the only time she contacts me directly is when she has some juicy gossip about someone we both know. She can't call just to say hi. And when I have taken the time to call her, half the time I feel like she is listening, but she isn't really hearing what I am saying. Make sense?

I feel a little better now. OK, not really. But I had to get this off my chest. Sometimes I feel like the people who actually care about how I am doing are people that I have never even met.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Nothing is wrong with you other than the preoccupation with reading her blogs and dwelling on what you don't have. I've been where you are, and instead of focusing on what others are doing and having and what is missing in your life, begin focusing on what you have and what you want. Be a friend to someone new, focus on developing that friendship. Cut all contact with the old friend, she doesn't deserve your time or thoughts. Choose the positive energy to surround you. You can do this, you deserve it.
    3740 days ago
    Samantha, when I was in high school, I reached a point where my friends stopped hanging out with me...kind of just ignored me. I morphed myself into another group after a time, but I realized what the problem was--I had grown up a bit and they hadn't. I was focused on working, preparing for college, homework, speech team...they were focused on parties and who could be the most outrageous each day. It was really hard for me for a long time, but once I realized it was a maturity thing, I felt a lot better. Some of us mature faster than others, and while it's difficult, it's no one's fault, really. Your friend might still be stuck in the stage of life before yours.

    I am in a similar stage of life as you...I am married with a young child, mid twenties. Sometimes, I wish I could go out and just have fun without worrying about responsibilities. But, for me that would only be a few hours, or maybe an evening, and I would want to be back with my kids. Also, the few times I have been able to go out, I have been mortified at the attitudes and rudeness of the people who are out there. I think "Was I really like this?" The answer is, maybe...maybe I was just more willing to laugh about it instead of being offended.

    My mom went through a similar time in her life when I was about six...she was married with two young girls and it bothered her that her two best friends from high school were able to go out frequently in the evenings. She and my dad actually seperated for a time. A couple years ago, she mentioned that time and said she thought it would be better, but it really wasn't...what she had waiting for her at home was so much better!

    It's hard sometimes, working, raising a family, having responsibilities...just tonight my husband was mentioning taking a day off work to go do something fun, and we had an argument about it...I pointed out that I don't get to take a day off work just to go do something fun...that has to wait for the weekend and a babysitter has to be arranged.

    It sounds like this friend may have had children herself...possibly had trouble being responsible, if you were purchasing things for her and helping her out...perhaps she just never grew up. Some people do that...they are no more mature at 60 than they were at 16. Others of us become more mature and responsible; and we consider other people's feelings. This sounds like the difference between the two of you.

    I hope this helps...but know that it's not your did nothing simply grew up when it was time to grow up, and perhaps your friend just hasn't learned how to do that.

    3740 days ago
    I just lost my best friend in the last few months.. it totally sucks. But what I learned from it is that I can't keep trying to figure people out. People change, circumstances change and well sometimes you don't get a warning. Im sorry that you feel this way, I was feeling the same way a few months back. All I can say is that I have figured out who are my real friends and well who my "bar friends" are. Things will get better with time.
    3740 days ago
    It sounds like you want acceptance from this person, and are willing to go through hell to get it. I once was in your position with many of my friendships and finally just said no more and ended it all. Have you tried inviting yourself along or are you just waiting for an invitation? I would definitely just say "can I come?" if you haven't... maybe she thinks you don't have time or wouldn't be interested in going with her... Remember: People aren't mind-readers. Many times, though it may seem obvious to you, you literally have to spell things out. I personally used to harbor a ton of resentment towards my friends for not inviting me out, but then when I would talk to them and tell them how I felt I found out they just didn't think I was interested. Now I just invite myself out with them. It may sound rude, but really it isn't.

    Now if you are trying to hang out and she's turning you down... it's really probably time to let the "relationship" go. Move on, find better friends...

    I hope you are feeling better soon! Don't forget to have a happy new year!
    3740 days ago
    I have been in your shoes with an unhealthy friendship. She took advantage of me and i was her "fat friend". I finally had to completely sever ties with her and I am so glad that I did. I am having to start over with friendships but I have been taking the time learning about myself and my strength and building myself up that I know I wont be in that situation ever again. You DESERVE better friendships! You are worth it.
    3740 days ago
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