How I got here, again.....

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Two years ago, September, I decided I was sick of being fat. I just decided that was the end of it. I started gathering ‘tools’ to use to lose weight and become healthier. I joined WW. I started reading books and magazines on health and fitness. I worked up to walking 3 miles every morning. I set goals of going to Spinning class, taking a Yoga class. (Scary for me as I am not particularly social) I started journaling every day in a composition book. Within a year, I was spinning, I was taking 3-4 hour hikes on Sundays, I had lost 40 lbs. and I fit comfortably in old button fly Levis. I was feeling really good, both physically and emotionally. Pride goeth before the fall?

So what happened? I gained it all back plus 10. I cannot plead ignorance. I cannot say I did not realize it was happening every single day of the next year it took to gain it back. I think it started when I went on vacation. So I had a little trouble getting back into my routine. Oh, I will skip spinning this week. Oh, I will walk tonight instead of this morning, so I can read a little before work.(never happened) Oh, I can have second helping of this Black Bean Soup, because it is so healthy. Opps, look, I have gained 5 lbs back. I will restart. I will set a plan.... starting Monday. Well, I need to start slow. Oh, I messed up today, I will start again tomorrow. And on it went. For a year, each day, week, month passed with me gaining more, postponing getting back on the wagon until I have gained it all back plus.

So here I am now. My clothes don't fit, my knees hurt, I have to hold my breath to tie my shoes, my asthma is back with a vengeance. I think the worst of it isn’t even the weight I have gained back. It is the failure of it all. It’s the embarrassment of seeing people who were so supportive when they see I have gained it all back. …And the disappointment in myself, for doing this to myself again. My health, my fitness level, my weight are completely in my control.
And if I am fat, weak, and unhealthy, it is because I failed to do what I needed to do to help myself.

So, I have to start all over again. I know I can do it, because I have done it before. I am excited to start the journey, I know I can do it. But I am also scared. How do I make sure that this time is forever? The difference this time is that I am going to be planning ahead for the time when I start to let up. What will my ‘tools’ be for that period of time coming up when I am almost to a goal weight and I am feeling good? What will I do when I start to let up because I feel good now? How will I stay motivated? How do I make sure I do not let this happen to me again? Any suggestions are very welcome.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Many of us have been there. I have gained, lost and gained. This year I started creeping back up. But then you have to remember how you feel as you are reaching for your rescue inhaler. i suffer asthma too. Think about how you feel as you tie your shoes. And then repeat after me...."I deserve to be healthy. The number on the scale does not reflect my self worth. I deserve to live a long and healthy life."
    Just start fresh today. Forgive yourself. And make many friends on spark people. it is the best site in the world to lose weight!
    Spark friends are here for you 24/7..
    You can do this!
    4059 days ago
    Throughout my life, the same 30+ lbs have come and gone two or three times now - like an unwelcome house guest. It's no longer my pudge vs. my vanity; it's the creeping fear that if I keep doing this to myself, I won't be able to walk when I'm 60. I applaud you for your honesty and your courage and your kick butt attitude coming back. What you've got here is an awesome beginning for a permanent change. Congratulations! emoticon
    4062 days ago
    I can relate to this. I get depressed because losing the weight is slow and I have to remind myself hey I didn't gain the 50 pounds in a day so I can't expect to lose them in a day either.
    We can do this!

    4071 days ago
    I've always heard that it's harder to keep the weight off than to lose it in the first place. Having never lost all of the weight I needed to lose EVER, I haven't had the opportunity to test that theory!

    I think that knowing ahead of time (and thanks so much for the heads up!) will enable you to plan for how to prevent it from happening again. Taking daily account should prevent a backslide and come here often for help and support along the way! We're all rooting for you!!
    4071 days ago
    I'm so with you on this one CATH0903. Last year I lost 37 pounds and then slowly let it creep back on. I am starting over again as well. I understand your concerns - I have them too and it is scary. I like what you said - "The difference this time is that I am going to be planning ahead for the time when I start to let up." I have written my goals for the year, and joined a new spark team. I am going to take it a day at a time. Hang in there. We can do it!
    4071 days ago
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    I hear you! I lost 50 lbs in 2008. I've gained back 30 in about a year and a half. Lots of things to blame it on, but only to get solutions and strategies in place. Loved your post, it really resonated. Have a great New Year! emoticon
    4071 days ago
    yes weight goes and takes time to go but can come back before we know it. I am going to start taking daily account of my actions. Today day1
    4071 days ago
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