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A Promise to Myself

Thursday, December 31, 2009

For reasons I can't explain, I simply cannot wrap my brain around this idea that we are about to enter a new decade.. I mean, 10 years ago, we were on the verge of "Y2K." We didn't know what the world held in store for us come 1/1/00, would computers be able to handle the turning of the calendar to a whole new century? Would our infrastructure collapse because they could not? Would our computers boot up? Would some sickos somewhere decide that Dec. 31, 1999 would be the night of nights to launch attacks on innocent victims.. Do you remember? I do, yet it seems like a million years ago at the same time.

On a personal note, I was still practicing law, working for myself. I was in the middle of years of infertility treatment, a long, tough, several year process that never seemed like was going to result in success. Somehow, the turning of that calendar signified the turning of a page in that battle, and in my head, the new century, decade and year would bring success, finally.. But it did not come easily. As a matter of fact, on December 31, 1999, DH and I spent the morning at an infertility clinic, awaiting the transfer of 3 perfect embryos into my uterus, the culmination of our second IVF cycle. A funny thing happened that day..the doctor could not do the transfer, and didn't understand why. So what started as a day full of promise, a day that might, 2 weeks later, result in hearing the words I had been waiting years for, aching for, ended as a day of utter disappointment, concern and sadness.. But the turning of that page held such promise, even after that happened.

Anyone who knows me knows that ultimately, that aspect of my story has a happy ending. The wonderful little T, love of our lives, was born within 2 years of that fateful day. But that was the day that our quest for pregnancy hit bottom, and although we still had some rough times ahead, nothing could compete with the utter hopelessness that I felt that day.

So, aside from being 10 years later, why am I dredging up this old story? I guess because today, 10 years later, I'm sort of looking forward to 2010 as the year I am really, truly, going to devote my energy to weight loss. I have done much of the prep work. But I still cannot manage to get over the hump. In the last year, I have had some sensational periods of doing all the right stuff...but unfortunately, they have been followed by equally unsensational periods of undoing all that good work. I have still lost more weight than I've gained back, but truth be told, I just think I should be further along on the path at this point.

I say that not in a crying over spilt milk sense, because I truly don't believe in wasting energy on that, but in a "it's time to get it done, Tina, you aren't getting any younger and it's not getting any easier" way. Do you know what I mean? I think anyone reading this does.

So, this is not my "here is my plan blog." It is my statement of intention, my public promise to myself that withing the next day or so, the plan will be crafted and posted. A contract with myself. I kind of like it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful evening tonight, and that the promise of the new year is as exciting to you as it is becoming to me. My plan is coming. Happy New Year.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1999 and 2YK, fear mongering at its best. Mind you sometimes we have to be prepared for the worst (and have a plan B) so when it turns out okay, and we are flooded with relief we know how lucky we are.

    May this decade have fantastic stories for you to share to tell us in 2020!!!

    Hugs, Sonia

    3988 days ago
    Great reflection.
    All us mommies are going to get this done this year. 2010 in the year for late in life mommies.
    We will get healthy and find our skinny jeans at the same time. We will be adding some new things to the mommies page over the next few weeks and months. Bring us any ideas you have.
    3989 days ago
    Oh, Tina:
    How did I miss this yesterday? I'm not going to say I am suprised, for I've noted your responses to other moms in this kind os pain. My own sister (the younger one) went through such a similar process, and that was the "night" they decided to move forward with adoption.

    As far as your Plan of Action... it will work, I know, when you have a plan you are not to be thwarted, even by yourself.

    (The timer just went off, got to get Claire up she's serving mass) hope to get back here later.

    love in 2010
    3989 days ago
  • JOANN562
    Oh yes, I know what you mean. We are not getting any younger & these little blessings remind us every day how important it is that we take good care of ourselves...if not for ourselves, for them!

    I too have gained & loss...still ahead of the game, but like you feel it should be completely DONE by now.

    Sooo, let's DO it. No more goofing around!

    Ok, a little goofing, but not straying far off the path.

    3990 days ago

    Thank you for sharing your story and your new desires. I kept reading as I was finding myself within your words. Why? In 1999 we were in the throes of trying to conceive without success and had been for about five years. December of 2000 found us excited as a miracle had happened but a few days after Christmas we were at the hospital ending a pregnancy. Healthy pregnancy...no baby. I learned of what they call a blighted ovum. We had yet another miscarriage the next year before our success with sweet Maegann was born Feb. 2002. I survived two more miscarriages after that and then we were on the road to adoption. Even that had joy and sorrow.

    So I like your "plan to be" very much. Let's make 2010 our year to find success with our weight goals. It isn't getting any easier...only harder each year we let it slip through our fingers.

    3990 days ago
    Tina - a truly beautifully written blog and promise. Thanks for sharing.

    3990 days ago
    Oh, T, I knew... but I didn't really know. You had said a little *here* & *there* about your struggle to have your baby, and how wonderful... what a truly precious miracle & blessing Tony has been... but... I love this blog!!

    This story of the years past, and how the calendar's turning has been disappointment & hope... it's what we have all experienced somewhere along the journey... but we will make this happen this year, T!!

    That's how my plan is. I did a blue print of sorts... with blocked time in increments of 1 hour. The reason I did that is... it's easy to see what needs to be (or wants to be) done in a day (for me) versus all 12 months.

    Still... I think that our goals MUST be done consistently on many many levels. In order for any of our goals to become habits of lifestyle changes, I'm pretty sure we're gonna' have to review & revise them on a daily basis.

    I tried the, "I'm gonna' lose all this weight this year," goal & it didn't work. I lost some, but not all and I think that's because I tried to work it from LARGE instead of small. Those baby steps are the only thing that worked for me.

    This time... I'm going to try to use a master plan that gets review every morning so that I can juggle whatever isn't gonna' work that day... I don't know, T. It may work... but it STILL needs days of work on it, so I'm gonna' NOT be finished with mine........ EVER, probably.

    How can we set our lives in concrete without weighing ourselves down to the bottom of the sea?!! We can't. Our blue-prints have to be flexible, don't they? Anyway... you will ROCK this New Year, T!! I wanna' be right beside cha' when you do, too!!

    *H*A*P*P*Y* *N*E*W* *Y*E*A*R* my dear friend!!
    Love, yer'
    ¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ *Annie*
    3990 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/31/2009 9:45:07 PM
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