A Promise to Myself
Thursday, December 31, 2009
For reasons I can't explain, I simply cannot wrap my brain around this idea that we are about to enter a new decade.. I mean, 10 years ago, we were on the verge of "Y2K." We didn't know what the world held in store for us come 1/1/00, would computers be able to handle the turning of the calendar to a whole new century? Would our infrastructure collapse because they could not? Would our computers boot up? Would some sickos somewhere decide that Dec. 31, 1999 would be the night of nights to launch attacks on innocent victims.. Do you remember? I do, yet it seems like a million years ago at the same time.
On a personal note, I was still practicing law, working for myself. I was in the middle of years of infertility treatment, a long, tough, several year process that never seemed like was going to result in success. Somehow, the turning of that calendar signified the turning of a page in that battle, and in my head, the new century, decade and year would bring success, finally.. But it did not come easily. As a matter of fact, on December 31, 1999, DH and I spent the morning at an infertility clinic, awaiting the transfer of 3 perfect embryos into my uterus, the culmination of our second IVF cycle. A funny thing happened that day..the doctor could not do the transfer, and didn't understand why. So what started as a day full of promise, a day that might, 2 weeks later, result in hearing the words I had been waiting years for, aching for, ended as a day of utter disappointment, concern and sadness.. But the turning of that page held such promise, even after that happened.
Anyone who knows me knows that ultimately, that aspect of my story has a happy ending. The wonderful little T, love of our lives, was born within 2 years of that fateful day. But that was the day that our quest for pregnancy hit bottom, and although we still had some rough times ahead, nothing could compete with the utter hopelessness that I felt that day.
So, aside from being 10 years later, why am I dredging up this old story? I guess because today, 10 years later, I'm sort of looking forward to 2010 as the year I am really, truly, going to devote my energy to weight loss. I have done much of the prep work. But I still cannot manage to get over the hump. In the last year, I have had some sensational periods of doing all the right stuff...but unfortunately, they have been followed by equally unsensational periods of undoing all that good work. I have still lost more weight than I've gained back, but truth be told, I just think I should be further along on the path at this point.
I say that not in a crying over spilt milk sense, because I truly don't believe in wasting energy on that, but in a "it's time to get it done, Tina, you aren't getting any younger and it's not getting any easier" way. Do you know what I mean? I think anyone reading this does.
So, this is not my "here is my plan blog." It is my statement of intention, my public promise to myself that withing the next day or so, the plan will be crafted and posted. A contract with myself. I kind of like it.
I hope everyone has a wonderful evening tonight, and that the promise of the new year is as exciting to you as it is becoming to me. My plan is coming. Happy New Year.