Fresh & So Clean.. Rebirth to an open JOURNEY!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Today, is the day of rebirth. I'm giving myself a mental and physical make over. Inside out. I'm breaking down walls, and ending my madness of weight gain and stress. The Love of my life.. Peanut.. My niece is doing well. I miss my little girl, and she will be coming home soon. I can't wait to see her again. My little peanut..
Well, I can't sleep.. I've been up since 3. Going to bed around 10 must have done me some good. I sign on my home today, and I am so ready to do this. More now than ever. My fiance can't wait either, and we are both on the edge of our seats.
3:30, can't get here fast enough, and we are so ready to get this going. So ready to sign on the house, and we are both are ready to do this right.
He said, this is like rebirth. Everything is good. Now, I can put a lot of pain and breakdowns behind me. I know you all wonder what I am talking about, so I will explain them a whole lot better.
I got married very early.. I was not even grown yet. Not old enough to marry to my 2nd highschool boyfriend. Only dated 2 guys from my school, so he was the another love in my life. Just not the true love of my life. He cheated on me, broke my heart.. Played with my emotions a few years after the break up, and I didn't know if I was going or coming.
I was heavy into fitness, and back then into weight training. Living on a navy base, and hearing him fuss and B because I was always out at 5am roller blading thur the housing court. He wanted me to stop that. I did.. I was also in the gym at 5 in the after noon, and he wanted me to stop that too.. He got sick of people joking on him. The men more so, and about how is wife could kick his A. Well, I did what he wanted me to do. I also started to stress eat. Something I never did before. That's where it all started. With that marriage, and the ending of it. My weight gain would be my life long story.. I thought it would.
This man, not only hurt me... But he hurt my children, and I was not going to bad mouth him around my kids or to them either. I had to let them learn who he was. AS they learn what kind of father they had.. They started to break away from him, but I never said a word out of place about him.... NEVER! I only said good things about him, because I didn't want to start something I could not finish or stop. I wanted them to see him on their on time. And they did.. Oh! I hate that so much, but that was the best and only way to do it. I didn't want to be one of those mother who said mean or bad things about the child absent father.
I just let things be, and ate my stress and there questions of why he didn't call them much, or why he didn't see them much. I ate there tears and worries of him in food, and I gained so much weight behind it. Not dealing with it, or learning how to place the past behind me. ALWAYS stressing, but always thinking of what I could do to make my children happy.
Now! My family is a full circle again. I'm getting marriend in a few months to a wonderful man. They love him so much, and he loves them too. Last night. Him and my son A.J. Was playing the playstation 2, and it was so fun. I saw the opening for a fresh new start right before my eyes. I didn't want that night to end, but as you see.. I've learn.. Those nights will never stop.
My oldest child.. Calls him FatheR...
My youngest... Calls him DAD
My 2nd oldest.. He calls him.. By name, and when he wants something.. He calls him Dad..... They really do care about him alot, and it took a while for my son to warm up to him, and after that happen.. They took off in full blast. It took him a while to warm up because. I was in a bad relationship. In my eyes.. I didn't view it as bad. I guess I did, I just didn't want to put those words in front of it. I didn't want to call it a bad relationship, Because he was 2 people.. Good and Bad. I saw the bad more than enough, and I knew.. I really didn't want a life time with him, and now I am so happy that it's over, and I have someone who is loving and caring all at the same time.
Now! Everyone isn't perfect, and my fiance is no saint by a long shot. He has some issues, but what man doesn't. He hates it when I call myself fat. It drives him crazy.. More so in his words.. Makes him mad.. He does not like to hear me put myself down.. I said to him one day.. What would you do if I get back to 280 pounds.. His words was... Help you love you at 280 pounds.. That's all I can do, and hope one day you see it's time to change and get healthy. I was okay with that answer, and felt good.
This morning, before he left for work. He said. I will see you at 2:30 to sign on the house. Kiss me good bye I said, and he did.. He laughs, because he likes to hear me say. Kiss me good bye. So, he can say. I will never leave without kissing you good bye..You know this.. Hugs and out the door he went.
I feel so good. In a few months I will be Mrs Petty, and I can't believe.. It's been a windstorm of a relationship. It took off so fast, and it's good, and it's wonderful. I'm so happy now, and I know. I can pick up and start over again, and lose this weight.
We was on line last night, and it was the first time he looked at my spark page. He said.. Yummy.. I love the Sweet Candy Kisses, and I said.. Don't pick up a box. He laughed, because he said.. Remember when I use to get those for you in high school. Chocolates in a box. He said, you would look for the ones that had the candy cheery middle. And he was so dead on.. I still do that now.
I can't believe.. I have a great man in my life. I just can't, and I can't believe I have a strong team of friends to help me lose this weight. No more turning back.. Or should I say.. Falling back. I'm ready to go. I'm so ready to embrace the new, and take it head on.. Life gives us so much. Sometimes we miss those open doors, and never walk through them. I walking with a smile on my face, and going on with my life. I'm ready to start this journey... Once again, but this one will last a life time. It want be short lived...