Off the Hook!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I discovered Sparks in October and jumped into it with both feet and lost 8 lbs in a month. Then in November I had stalled and got disgusted and just gave up. Well the lovely result is I've put it all back on plus! Ugh!
I punish myself with food. It's a terrible life long cycle I've been in that I just keep repeating over and over again. I know all the right things to do and eat. I know how to get results. It's harder to lose now than it used to be but I lost 40lbs last year.,( which I have ALL back on).If I eat right and exercise I feel good and like myself. If I eat crap I feel good while I'm eating it, but pay the HUGE price of self loathing that sets the cycle up to do it over and over again until I end up here, fatter than before and ashamed.
I have a girlfriend who lost 60 lbs last year and gloated horribly. She's also a smoker. I quit smoking 4 years ago and promptly put on 30 lbs. I have always battled with weight but was able to keep my weight gains down to 20 lbs or less and easily lost it. I would just smoke more. Now I'm 50 lbs overweight, not smoking but really struggle with eating sugar and carbs since then. My friend tried to lecture me about putting the weight back on. I told her to talk to me after she quits smoking, but until then BACK OFF!
I wish that I wasn't so obsessed about this. I wish that I didn't put so much value on how heavy I am or what size jeans I'm wearing. I would like to change my consciousness. I would like to eat only what my body needs to maintain it's weight. I would like to WANT to exercise every day. I would like to have strength and energy. I would like to NOT crave sugar and carbs constantly. I would like to not go through every single day without OBSESSING about how I look and worrying about someone I know seeing me this way.
So, here I go again. I'm back here. Talking about it again and hoping that I will eventually stick with the changes that I keep making. I don't want to get any bigger. I don't want to buy new jeans yet again. I don't want to gain any more during the holidays either.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CAROLYN1213
    Hey!!! I have missed you!!!! I love your new winter page!!! Looks lovely! Jenn, I so hear you on the repetitive cycle of deprivation, eating, over eating, self loathing, repeat! I could go on at nausium on this topic, but suffice it to say I was able to find a food plan that helped curb those carb cravings. I'm not saying I'm cured, but once I was able to get my glycemic index under control and stop those crazy food swings, I was able to slow down and deal with the emotions that lead to the carb craze for me.

    Don't let yourself off the hook that easy . . . you are not a quitter! Doesn't mean you need to be hard on yourself. Be fair and compassionate with yourself. You want better for yourself . . . go get it!

    ***Be brave, be bold, be fierce and be fabulous****
    3080 days ago
  • SHY1965SJ
    Welcome back to SP. And remember that we are always here for you so get addicted to us instead of turning to food when you are feeling down or whatever the mood. We are here for you to help you get the lbs off and keep it off.
    3095 days ago
    better late than never!!
    3095 days ago
    emoticon Glad to see you back!!!
    3095 days ago
    It's definitely hard to keep it off. I too am a sugar and carbaholic and that's what happened to me. I lost 90lbs 2 years ago with sparkpeople and then I thought that I was happy with myself and just went back to my old habits... I gained all 90lbs back and then some! It's hard to make a lifestyle change by that's essentially what sparkpeople is about. It's not really a diet, it's a way to help you change your eating habits for good. You'll fall off the wagon once and a while but don't beat yourself up about it. Losing weight isn't easy.. good for you for telling your friend to get off her high horse!
    3095 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by JENNSLITE