Hurtful Memories

Ever since I was little, I have had a problem with my weight. That is no secret. One thing about being overweight is that you can't hide it. When you walk down the street and pass a random person, can you tell if they have an addiction to alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes? Nine out of ten, I'm pretty sure the answer is no. When you're overweight, everybody knows. So since I was little, that was all I would be recognized for. People (especially people that I thought were supposed to love me) would say things that greatly affected me. School shopping sucked. One year I gained a ton of weight during summer so I was fussing and complaining that I couldn't fit into any of my jeans. Then my mom says, "Well it's not my fault you keep gaining weight". I knew it wasn't her fault, but why hurt me in the process. I knew I was huge. Didn't need to kick me when I was already way way down. My grandpa would say "you look as big as the refrigerator or the big trash can in the back yard". Right afterwards when he would see little trickles of tears falling from my eyes, he would say he was joking. I thought jokes were supposed to be funny. He still does that every once in awhile. The last thing he said like that was " you use to be a knockout until you reached nine years old". Thanks, that really boosts my self esteem. Some people don't realize the mental abuse you get from being overweight. That's why I never let anyone get close to me emotionally. I pushed people away so they had no chance of "accidently" hurting me. That's the funny part about it. They don't realize how simple comments like that can hurt for a lifetime. I always had the idea that if I was to lose weight, people would love me. People wouldn't be mean to me. I felt like it wasn't good enough to be a beautiful person on the inside. The nice things I did for others didn't even matter. People would ignore all my positives because of my outer appearance. To this day, all those deep rooted thoughts exist, but not as strongly as before. I've realized that the only thoughts that matter are my own, and right now I'm pretty damn happy with myself. Not just because my growing weight loss. Not just because of my eating. But because of my love for myself. I'm gonna take care of myself. It's a promise.