I'm struggling

Monday, November 02, 2009

So I'm really struggling. At my absolute heaviest ever, I weighed 352. I'm only 13 pounds away from that now.
I've gained back almost everything I've lost in terms of weight.
I lost everything I gained in terms of health, including that confidence that I was so sure would never fade.

I really think I might need to join Overeaters Anonymous.
This isn't one of those overexaggerations of a drama queen. They have a quiz on their website to determine if you may have signs of an eating problem, and they say if you answer yes to 3 or more, you may have one. I answered yes to 12 of the 15 questions.
I eat. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad, lonely, worried...
Last summer, I finally figured out that emotional eating got me nowhere. I somehow found the mental clarity to stop eating out of emotional prompting, and yet somehow I let it slip away.
The fact that I had it and I let it go, and the fact that I answered yes to so many questions on the OA site, lead me to the conclusion that I am obsessed with food.
Obsessed with fast food. Obsessed with junk food.
When I finish breakfast, I'm already thinking about lunch.
When I know I'm going to be alone for dinner, I'm planning out what restaurants-yes, plural-I want to hit and what I want to get from each one.
I drive by the Dairy Queen and realize I can get a cone to eat on my way home, and then a sundae to eat when I get home.
Okay so I don't do these things every day, but the fact that I do them at all is embarassing, and admitting them is even worse, but I feel it's something I must do in order to get past it.
I think the worst part of it is that I just convinced my boyfriend to join and I will be mortified when he reads this and wonders what his girlfriend is doing to herself.

I honestly don't know what it's going to take to pull me out of the rut I'm in. I want to lose weight and get healthy, but somedays I get very frustrated because I realize I will never be the size 6 I want to be, I'll never have the gorgeous waist, hips, sexy curves that I want. Some days, it doesn't feel like its worth it knowing I'll never have that body. I don't know how I can get past that.

I'm reaching out to anyone willing to read this. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a giant pit that I can't climb out of.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hey Girl~

    I am so proud of you for putting it all out here for all of us to read, that takes ALOT of courage. You are a beautiful, strong and determined woman, and have I told you lately how lucky I am to have you as my friend??

    I fight those same urges, sometimes the urges wins, sometimes they don't. Food was my addiction for so many years it is a hard habit to change.

    I am here to help in whatever way I can...always here for you!

    4048 days ago
    Sam, do you know, I went back a bit just now and re-read some of your old blogs. You are one amazing, wise and strong lady, and I just KNOW you can get back into the place you were once more. It takes a lot of guts to write what you just did.

    And just listen to yourself from a few blogs back:
    "I believe that the trying times that push us and challenge us are the most rewarding, because they are the ones that help us build character and become stronger as people. I have faith that I will make it through this stronger and smarter, because I can rely on support from my family and friends, but most importantly, I can rely on myself."

    Take one babystep today towards that place. You have such a strong foundation to build on and you can get so far.

    I don't know much about OA, but it might be useful for support.
    Remember to draw strength from Spark People and your friends here - with lots of resources. I especially like the Before- During- After Journal-idea. I can look for the link if you like.
    Hugs, Marit
    4050 days ago
    Try no to focus on a number or a size because it'll be too overwhelming for you. I'm also on that roller coaster and just when I want to give up something inside me wants to keep fighting. As an emotional eater you may know a little trick called journaling. Sometimes the reasons why we seek comfort in food are so deep inside that it takes awhile to figure them out. Journaling helps with that. Even if you end up doing it after you binge or whatever, you can at least sit and try to figure out what it was that led you to that episode.

    Don't give up. Take it five pounds at a time, or one habit at a time. Write down all the things that motivate you to be healthier and look back at that list whenever you feel hopeless. Carry it with you if you must. Paste it on the refrigerator door, on your mirror, everywhere, don't forget them. I bet you they'll be a lot more reasons on that list then to be a size 6!! Keep fighting.
    4050 days ago
    Who cares what body you'll never have. Think about the body you CAN have. Think about being the best you you can possibly be. Think about making yourself proud. Think about making a decision to do something and actually following through with it. I think half of the fun of being on a weight loss journey is proving to yourself that you can do anything you want to do. Food and apetite and working out... I feel like it's all a bunch of mind games. Play the game back with yourself!! You are stronger than any impulse to eat unhealthy. You just have to believe that and prove it to yourself!! I know you can meet all of your goals!! :) (On a side note, my grandma is an active member of OA, and it's really helped her to put the importance of food - or lack thereof - into perspective.)
    4050 days ago
    Let's get something straight right off the bat. You are not weak. You are not a hopeless case. You are a beautiful, incredibly strong woman who is facing up to a huge problem - admitting things most people would be too afraid to write down even in a private diary. That's an amazing and powerful first step.

    An addiction? Maybe so. Maybe OA is the very best place to get a handle on this problem that is overwhelming you. You already know what it felt like to have those mental tools to overcome your unhealthy relationship with food, so you know you can have that feeling again. No doubt your boyfriend, who has stuck by you this far, will love and support you as you find your way.

    Who says you can't have the sexy body you want? I don't know whether it will be a size 6 or not - only time will tell. But you CAN be sexy ... you CAN see yourself as beautiful and desirable ... you CAN feel in control of your body and what you put into it. And those things are worth fighting for, worth living into your future for. --Marsha
    4050 days ago
    I feel for you. I too have gained back half of the 55 lbs. I lost. To much stress in the last 9 mos. has almost killed me. I don't know if I can get started again. I know I absolutely have too. I am so angry at myself and I know that isn't helping. I am sorry you are going through this also. I guess, we just keep trying one bite at a time, one minute at a time. Good luck to both of us.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4050 days ago
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