Monday, November 02, 2009
So I'm really struggling. At my absolute heaviest ever, I weighed 352. I'm only 13 pounds away from that now.
I've gained back almost everything I've lost in terms of weight.
I lost everything I gained in terms of health, including that confidence that I was so sure would never fade.
I really think I might need to join Overeaters Anonymous.
This isn't one of those overexaggerations of a drama queen. They have a quiz on their website to determine if you may have signs of an eating problem, and they say if you answer yes to 3 or more, you may have one. I answered yes to 12 of the 15 questions.
I eat. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad, lonely, worried...
Last summer, I finally figured out that emotional eating got me nowhere. I somehow found the mental clarity to stop eating out of emotional prompting, and yet somehow I let it slip away.
The fact that I had it and I let it go, and the fact that I answered yes to so many questions on the OA site, lead me to the conclusion that I am obsessed with food.
Obsessed with fast food. Obsessed with junk food.
When I finish breakfast, I'm already thinking about lunch.
When I know I'm going to be alone for dinner, I'm planning out what restaurants-yes, plural-I want to hit and what I want to get from each one.
I drive by the Dairy Queen and realize I can get a cone to eat on my way home, and then a sundae to eat when I get home.
Okay so I don't do these things every day, but the fact that I do them at all is embarassing, and admitting them is even worse, but I feel it's something I must do in order to get past it.
I think the worst part of it is that I just convinced my boyfriend to join and I will be mortified when he reads this and wonders what his girlfriend is doing to herself.
I honestly don't know what it's going to take to pull me out of the rut I'm in. I want to lose weight and get healthy, but somedays I get very frustrated because I realize I will never be the size 6 I want to be, I'll never have the gorgeous waist, hips, sexy curves that I want. Some days, it doesn't feel like its worth it knowing I'll never have that body. I don't know how I can get past that.
I'm reaching out to anyone willing to read this. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a giant pit that I can't climb out of.