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There May Be No Exit, But Hell I'm Going In

Monday, November 02, 2009

Actually, the full line (which is a tad long for a blog title) is:

Don't Know Where I'm Goin'
I Don't Like Where I've Been
There May Be No Exit
But Hell I'm Going In

And I think the full stanza is what makes the most sense.

Anyway, it was just Halloween, and if any holiday is the weight losers' holiday, I think it's gotta be Halloween.

Because of the candy and its inherent temptations? Sure. Because of the idea of mask wearing, and letting masks fall? Absolutely. Because of the harvest? The change in seasonal look, from warmer, colorful early autumn to late, brown-leaved, bare-treed, cold-winded fall? Because of the time change? Yes, yes and yes.

It is a time of wrenching changes, even though we are prepared for them -- or at least we think we are. It is a time of putting aside shorts and tee shirts and grabbing jackets and sweaters. Extra blankets. Storm windows. My husband put plastic on the stained glass windows in the back -- now they almost look 3-D, spooky and ghostlike, wrapped up tight like a mummy.

It is a time when you get serious, when frivolity seems to exit and the grind truly begins. It separates the women from the girls.

It is, yes, the beginning of Seasonal Affective Disorder, although I have been feeling the onset early this year, earlier than ever, as the weather has shown more clouds than sun and more rain than warmth, all year long and on and on and on into a future of darkness and howling winds and long underwear and icy roads.

It is coming, I know. We all know, it is obvious, it is the mob of squirrels I see on neighbors' lawns, bold and arguing with each other, grappling over whatever nutrition they can grasp and store for the months ahead. It is in the decapitated sunflowers, brown and limp. It is in the skies, as the paintbox mixes steel grey and a wash of rose madder in the mornings but not this morning because it is still pitch, and the streetlights are still on and the black cloak wraps around and threatens to tighten and bind and hold.

But there are good things, there, too. There is joy to be found, even among the dark places. Joys of holidays, of years renewing, of calendar pages flipping, of personal renewals and reversals as timeless as the air. And mysteries, for there is nothing so obvious as a Summer, or as mysterious as a Winter, its veil of black and snow and cold hiding away its treasures.

Do I know where I'm going?

Well, sort of. I have plans, sure I have plans. But things have a way of happening regardless of your own personal planning so while I have my ideas and my hopes I am not kidding myself. There will be a monkey wrench. There always is.

Do I like where I've been?

I do in many ways, but I also don't, and I shouldn't, for living in the past is not where I should want to reside. There is better up ahead, and resting on my laurels is not going to get me anywhere. Like a shark, I must move forward, even if it's into the abyss.

Is there an exit?

Sure. The exit is long, though, and it leads through the rest of my life, and there is nothing on the other side because this is how life is going to be and continue. It is up to me to assure that the exit I choose is the right one, the one that will sustain me, and make it worthwhile to go on this journey, on all journeys.

But Hell I'm Going In.

Just you try and stop me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Liked it so much I've visited to read this post three times!

    You nailed the season change.

    4038 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3248497
    I haven't even thought of S.A.D. --and I have been in tears for like a week. Seriously, like a break down every morning for 15-20min. It's wearing me out more than my life right now. hmmm thanks for bringing that back into my mind. I also feel tired everyday, even though I been catching up on my sleep. This combo with all the stress I been having makes a lot of sense. OK - enough blog hogging.
    4043 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4749243
    Am I to infer that Hell is not other people after all? Darn. Thought I had that knocked as the primo reason for all misery. emoticon emoticon
    4044 days ago
    Wow! This blog gave me chills...or was that winter nipping at my heels. Seriously, I really liked this. Heyl, I'm going in, too!
    4044 days ago
    Say it girl.

    I hate fall. The long nights and short days and hunting season and raking leaves and not swimming outside. Fall ends for me on Solstice. We light a huge bonfire at work and hundreds of people show up. The days start to get longer. The nights start to get shorter. Spring is on the way. Hope.
    4044 days ago
    Cool! WHat a great read. Thanks.
    4044 days ago
    You have such a wonderful way with words.
    I try to focus on how I love the changes, it might be grey, dark and cold, but it has its own beauty and these days have their own charm when we snuggle up by the fireplace and huddle inside. And the bright days are so much brighter.
    4044 days ago
    Another great blog
    4044 days ago
    I loved this blog.... it was so very true and hard to believe that it is that time of year again. ;) We'll be okay... like one of the other sparkers said... you can only go halfway in cause after that you are going back out.
    4044 days ago
    To paraphrase a joke my mom used to tell,

    How far can Jespah run into Hell?

    Halfway. Because after that she's running OUT.

    Just see if you can make it through, say, the end of February - by that point the days will be getting longer again... It's four months, but it's ONLY four months.

    My main concern with the passing of Halloween is that we're now heading straight into Food Season:

    New Year's
    Valentine's Day

    I did OK through Halloween (although it's not really candy that tempts me - I prefer starch, salt, and fat). That's 1 down and 5 to go.

    I'm just trying to remember that I want to be in shape for the spring melt for WW kayaking, and focus on that...
    4044 days ago
    Wow, great blog! Thanks for the reminder that this is a good time to reflect on where we're going and where we've been as we batten down the hatches to face the winter.
    4044 days ago
  • JLITT62
    Wow . . . what a wonderful blog! I used to suffer from SADD something miserable when I lived in VT. It's been so long since I've gone thru a real winter, I don't know how I'll react -- but I'm such a different person than I was 20 years ago. We'll talk again in April!
    4044 days ago
    Love this, and the bittersweet change in the seasons once again....
    4044 days ago
  • MCR0285
    Loved your blog!
    4044 days ago
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