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not having a good all.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

well, my life situation is expounding itself upon me. i melted down this afternoon. i went to go see a movie with a friend (where the wild things are). he dropped me back off at home. as soon as i got in the door, my depression slapped me across the face so hard i didn't know what hit me for a minute, only that i was crying. i realized that i was lonely and that i'm so tired of being lonely. i'm stressed out and i don't think i can handle it anymore. i'm at my wit's end. my body is rebelling against the idea of losing more weight. it doesn't care that i know what's best and that continuing to lose weight and reach my goal (and my current goal is still considered MEDICALLY overweight and is still 30 pounds ABOVE my medically ideal weight) of 160. my body has been craving sugary carbs like pancakes with a large pat of real butter. i've been craving other things, but you get the idea. luckily, i have absolutely NO junk food in the house, but that doesn't keep me from going crazy right now. i have no car, no money ( bank account is almost $500 overdrafted), next to no friends. i'm suffering from cabin fever because i'm stuck in my apartment day in and day out. yea, i go for walks, but where do i go when i get done with those walks? right back to my extremely lonely apartment. and it just gets lonelier and lonelier every day. i'm sick of it. i really am not sure i can handle this much longer. i say i have next to no friends and i mean it. i'm home and alone the vast majority of the time. i feel alone in a large crowd of people. my family lives thousands of miles away from me. hell, my best friends ever live thousands of miles away from me too. the friends i have locally are mostly only my friends when it's convenient...FOR THEM. and something i've realized lately is that it's always been that way with them. even when i HAD my own vehicle and could drive myself around. it was still only when it was convenient for THEM and i had to go out of my way all the time. they've never gone out of their way for me. frankly, i'm sick of texas. i'm sick of how superficial most people are here. and i don't even have my family here to go running home to when things get they are right now. sometimes i just really hate my life and right now is one of those times. don't worry, i'm not going to do anything drastic or stupid...crying will be about the extent of what i do. well, i need to unpoof my eyes and unred my face so i can go do strength training and maybe catch 30 minutes on the elliptical. ugh.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    i have suffered from depression in the past too, i understand. just try and keep your mind's eye on the goal when texas gets you down-- keep saying to yourself "its only temporary, soon i'll be back in oregon"....
    3097 days ago
    thank you for your wonderfully supportive and real comments to me. they are greatly appreciated!!! and to Katie: i do plan to move back to Oregon where my family is...and also where the majority of my only true and real friends live. it's going to be a few years until i can afford the move, but it WILL happen and i will be so much happier when it does.
    3097 days ago
    oh no!! Deep breath. I know talking online is not that same as being able to go out with friends but there are always people here on spark to encourage and support you.. or just make you laugh when you need it. Stay strong and ask for help. I am super close with my family so I can't imagine what you're going through without having them there to fall back on. You'll be okay...maybe making these realizations about your "friends" in Texas is a good thing. It's never too late to make a change. emoticon
    3098 days ago
    I wish I could come through this screen and give you a hug emoticon emoticon
    I know the feeling of feeling alone alone. Im married and still feel that way sometimes. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Im adding you as a freind. Take care and remember you are not alone.
    Friends Jenn
    3098 days ago
    I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad right now. I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better. I know a lot about depression, and it sucks! You are not alone.
    Take care : )
    3098 days ago
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