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Where I'm At...

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Okay so its 10pm on a Saturday night. And my feeling is exhaustion yet very content with having such a productive day. This is the 2nd of my free weekends since quitting my job and focusing on myself and school. I got up at 7 on my own, made a healthy deliecous breakfast of fruit, omelette, yogart and oj. Plugged away at homework from about 8:30-noon. Got TONS done. Had a snack got ready, pack up gym stuff and hit the gym. Worked out from 12:30-2:30....jogging, elliptical, bike, treadmill, stepper, felt so, so, so good after. Went home...3pm ate lunch. Again 3:30-6:30pm plugged away at homework, got TONS done again. Then 6:30-8pm went grocery shopping, got food for week. Came home made dinner, beef and veggie stir fry! and cleaned and cut veggies for week 8-9:30pm. Then I decided its time to re-evaluate my goals and here I am! Where are my University friends on a saturday night? Out at the bar, but where am I here, and happy to be here!

So I started this crazy last ditch, which was really a first time full effort to lose this weigh on January 1, 2009. The first 4 months I did better then I ever thought possible! I managed my final semester of 4th year University and went to the gym daily and ate healthy and felt great! I managed to lose 83lbs in 4 months and completely change my lifestyle........then school ended at the end of April and my body basically shut down.....

i had pushed myself beyond limits. I felt great and I looked great, but my body was physically saying no. I was throwing up for no apparent reason seveal times a day, I was waking up at 4am sweating with my heart racing, literally thinking I was having a heart attack. I couldn't sleep, but when I was up it constantly felt like I was in a daze. I lost all structure and order in my life. I had no classes or school and I immediatley felt the need to fill my life with someonething else. I got 3 jobs and began working crazy numbers of hours simply as I felt i needed to do this at the time. Throughout May and June my exercise regime decreased considerably. By my Birthday, June 27 I was back to hovering around 350lbs and had stopped going to the gym all together. Then I made the worst decision of my life and worked 2 full time jobs throughout July and August and completley and utterly 'relapsed'.

By relapse I mean full out relapse. I ate out daily, several times daily. Didn't make it to the gym once in July and August and pretty much worked 10 hours a day and did nothing but work, eat and eat some more. Then september rolled around......

I began teachers college, an 8 month program on September 1. For the first 2 weeks of September I started going back to the gym several times weekly. I ate good, and weirdly enough the scale at the gym was 'broken' during these times and I never weighed myself. Then I made another poor decision and decided I would try to work and go to school at the same time. I spent every friday/saturday/sunday working and during the week in school then homework at night.....bye bye gym....I didn't even go grocery shopping. I began eating out again or random stuff that I could buy at the convenience store. Then it hit me mid-Oct, what was I doing to myself? Why? I actually had a kid at work (I worked at a hotel geared towards children) come up to me who I was talking to before and giving prizes and he said why is your tummy so big? This was a 5 year old talking, who obvsiously didn't know better, but it made me really think.

To be honest it was getting so bad my unifrom which I had just got in May was pretty much bulging and a button actually ripped off at one point. I knew things were quickly going astray and if I didn't stop things I would be back to where I started in no time.

Therefore I quit my job! I foced soley on school. I am in school or placement monday to friday 8-4 daily homework, literally 20 or more hours a week on top of that. Last weekend was my first free weekend and it felt so good. I went grocery shopping again, to the gym twice, got lots of homework done so I had time during the week!

Well today I decided to face the music with the scale......and verdict is better then I was expecting to be honest, but thats because I have already been re-with it for about a week and a half, and literally think I lost about 10lbs again already......anyways new number is 361.8lbs..........

Jan 1/09= 425lbs
May 1/09= 343lbs
Oct 24/09= 362lbs

20lbs in 5 months! and it happened so slowly and easily! Once I got below 350lbs I promised myself I would never, ever go over 350lbs again in my life....well I did....but I recognized it and I am changing this......

new goal is to get to 325lbs by January 1/2010....thats 100lbs in one year, and another 37lbs to go in 10 weeks.........going to be VERY challenging, but I need to do this!

So what have I learned from my 'relapse'?
I'm the type of person who goes 100% or 0%, thats middle ground. This time around I can still go 100% but I can do my program within reason. I was seriously doing 7 days a week with an average of 4 hours a day at the gym working hardocre the whole time, my body just couldn't hold out....My new program focuses on a more realistic approach 4-5 workouts a week consisting of about 1.5 hours at a time. A nutrition program focusing on tracking types of foods but not exact calories at first. I was before eating 1500 calories a day and wokring out 4 hours a day buning an additional 3000 calories just in exercise daily....a 400lbs person could not live on this and this was making my body shut down!

So why this rant? I need to get it out! I need to make sure this doesn't happen again. Yes I will struggle, yes I will have bad days, but I will not have 4 month relapses.......

To be honest one thing on this site which really bothered me was seeing how all these inspirational sparkpages and motivators seemed to disappear. It made me wonder what has happened to so many people that stop using this site? Sadly I have to assume many go back to old ways....why as it is easier! This is hard im not going to lie, but I am so worth this.

I am here to stay this time around and I am not dwelling on the past. I am going to stick to this and take it one day at a time. Yes Im not perfect, but yes I have made amazing progress. Saying I have lost 63lbs in 10 months is an achievment I am proud of and not one that many people can say they have done.......

I want to also say to my 20 somethings with 100lbs to lose team I am sorry. I am sorry for disappearing as a leader, I let you down and I let myself down. There were 10 leaders on that team and every single one of us dissappeared....this is not right, and it can't happen again.

So there! thats my life for the last few months!
Oh, and teachers college I absoloutley love!!! I am in my own classes at school mon-wed and thurs and fri I am in a school observing and teaching. I start my actual teaching daily soon in November. This is a passion I absoloutley love and something I am so happy I am doing.

So my new goal is to look towards 2010 and see how much I can accomplish by Jan 1. At that time I will re-evaluate.

Im also soooo pumped about the BLC starting up again on our 20 somethings team! Just what I need to get back on track....and oh ya Im running this challenge for like 100 something people by myself....where I will find the time for this I don't know, but I will be on spark instead of tv or doing nothing from now on.

Anyways its 11pm and I feel sooo mcuh better now. Bed time :)

I simply had to get this out, and now that I have I am moving on!!!!
Thanks for your support Sparkfriends, I couldn't do this wihtout all of you!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, thanks for sharing all of that and letting me/us see a glimpse into your life these past few months!! emoticon

    Good luck with your biggest loser teams! emoticon

    And thank you for being the leader on the Sparkteam! emoticon

    emoticon emoticon emoticon on your weight loss so far and for what is to come!! :)
    3485 days ago
    There's no doubt in MY mind you can do it... you just needed to get YOUR mind to know that.

    We all fall down. At least here we have helping, lovign hands to pick each other up.


    BLC challenge? Too late for me?

    3486 days ago
    Glad you jumped back on the horse.

    Lets ride !

    Jyant emoticon
    3487 days ago
    Good for you. Getting back into it seriously, BEFORE you lose all the progress you made, just HAS to equal continued progress, right?? You stick with it as long as you can and if you slide again for some reason, get back to it as soon as you're motivated again. I think that getting back on the horse, over and over, will eventually see you through to your ultimate goals.
    3489 days ago

    Im so glad that you are back too! Despite your ups and downs you knew to get back here and you also made excellent choices to do what was best for you! That shows awesome growth and Im so proud of you!

    I wish you nothing but the best in all that you do!

    3495 days ago
    I'm glad your back. With the motivation and dedication you are going to give i know you will be able to do anything you set your mind to. Just stay positive and never give up. :)
    3496 days ago
    Congrats on stepping it back up in a very healthy and positive way! You know I think there were many people who used the site and were doing great in the spring but who stopped during the summer. I'm including myself in this. But most people I know had a really hard time this summer in particular with weight loss for various reasons. I would suggest the stress of finances and the economy had a little bit to do with the added anxiety that we face, even if it doesn't seem like it was that bad. For me the wakeup call was that I could NOT face 280 again and I felt my pants feeling like they did at 280. Luckily I stopped at 277 or I couldn't imagine where I might have ended up after Winter. Scary thought! Now I'm back down to 264, almost where I left off in Spring. So I want you to know you're not alone in this struggle and fight. The same thing happened to others of us. I have a friend who removed her Sparkpeople profile altogether and I emailed her a few days ago and she created one again, so same thing for her too.

    Now I'm back with a vengeance, and I see you are too. Don't let that small period of time fill you with guilt because you are taking ownership of this. I'm here and I'll be commenting and cheering you on. When someone has your courage, that's an inspiration to me, and it gives me courage, too.

    Buena suerte! Que Dios te bendiga.

    3497 days ago
    Hi Sweetie! You are awesome! It's a start of a new leaf you are going. I'm glad to see you given yourself some pep talks and come to realize that you are not happy. You are planning out your week real good and you will succeed Chris!

    What I've done, anytime I start anew, is to write things down. When I've done, cross it off. This may sound childlish to do, but those who do this will reach their goal(s). Those who don't will continue to just 'wish' their dreams.

    YOU CAN DO THIS CHRIS!! I BELIEVE in you. When the tough gets going, review your list of the week and maybe you might need to revise it a bit to not make it sound so haunting to you to do.

    ANYTHING is possible if you are determine sweetheart!
    emoticon KEEP THE FAITH!! Jazzy!!
    3498 days ago
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