Sad and Scared
Monday, October 19, 2009
I have lost myself. Where am I? I have been trying to hold all of this in and deal with it. But I am not dealing with it very well. Heck, truth be told I am not dealing with it at all. I want to write this without sounding like a total whiner. So, if I sound like I am whining, feel free to give me the verbal spanking I need. I am normally a happy-go-lucky, confident person. Now I just feel scared and like I am sinking deeper and deeper into a dark hole. My friends are seeing it in me and suggesting I go to the Dr. for anti-depressants. I really don't want to do this. "It's not my style, I am stronger than this!" I am already taking sleeping pills because sleep alludes me without them.
So to put it all in a nutshell without going in to boring detail. I am laid-off from work, I broke up with the man I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with, my sweet 23-year-old son is floundering and I have had to give him a stern and difficult wake-up call, my septic system went tits up and I had to spend most of my savings getting hooked up to the sewer..Blah, blah, blah. I feel overwhelmed and panicky. On top of it all, I look horrible from lack of sleep and stress and my clothes are getting tighter by the day. "Why can't I be one of those people who can't eat when they are upset?" I am very lonely as my BF lived with me and there is a side of him I still love very much. I don't quite know what to do with myself.
Today, instead of going to the Dr. I went to the gym for the first time in months. I was horrified by what I saw in the mirror while riding the stationary bike. I came home and cleaned the house like a mad woman and now I feel like going to the store and buying something salty and something sweet to gorge myself on. However, I have decided to spend sometime with Spark instead. "Lord, give me the strength to stay away from the grocery store and fast food tonight."
I am trying to make sure I have a plan for each day. I keep failing miserably. Tomorrow I intend to go for a morning walk, then to the gym and eat some of the healthy foods my cupboards are stocked with. (This is pretty much my plan for every day and somehow the night comes and, well you know the story) If you looked in my cupboards and fridge you would only see wonderful, healthy foods. You see I can hide from myself the packaging of fast food and crap I have been binging on. I thought the person with these horrible, destructive behaviors was long gone. Well, here she is again and I DON'T LIKE HER!
I know I need to get on the scale. I haven't been there forever. I am absolutely terrified of what I will see and the affect it will have on me. Should I do it or should I wait until I feel stronger? I don't know.
Well, that's my stupid, pathetic story. Putting this on paper or blogging usually helps me put things in to a better perspective.
I hope and pray that in a few weeks, months I will read this again and know I am over this very large hurdle and have found myself, once again.