GETTINLITTLE

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Sad and Scared

Monday, October 19, 2009

I have lost myself. Where am I? I have been trying to hold all of this in and deal with it. But I am not dealing with it very well. Heck, truth be told I am not dealing with it at all. I want to write this without sounding like a total whiner. So, if I sound like I am whining, feel free to give me the verbal spanking I need. I am normally a happy-go-lucky, confident person. Now I just feel scared and like I am sinking deeper and deeper into a dark hole. My friends are seeing it in me and suggesting I go to the Dr. for anti-depressants. I really don't want to do this. "It's not my style, I am stronger than this!" I am already taking sleeping pills because sleep alludes me without them.

So to put it all in a nutshell without going in to boring detail. I am laid-off from work, I broke up with the man I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with, my sweet 23-year-old son is floundering and I have had to give him a stern and difficult wake-up call, my septic system went tits up and I had to spend most of my savings getting hooked up to the sewer..Blah, blah, blah. I feel overwhelmed and panicky. On top of it all, I look horrible from lack of sleep and stress and my clothes are getting tighter by the day. "Why can't I be one of those people who can't eat when they are upset?" I am very lonely as my BF lived with me and there is a side of him I still love very much. I don't quite know what to do with myself.

Today, instead of going to the Dr. I went to the gym for the first time in months. I was horrified by what I saw in the mirror while riding the stationary bike. I came home and cleaned the house like a mad woman and now I feel like going to the store and buying something salty and something sweet to gorge myself on. However, I have decided to spend sometime with Spark instead. "Lord, give me the strength to stay away from the grocery store and fast food tonight."

I am trying to make sure I have a plan for each day. I keep failing miserably. Tomorrow I intend to go for a morning walk, then to the gym and eat some of the healthy foods my cupboards are stocked with. (This is pretty much my plan for every day and somehow the night comes and, well you know the story) If you looked in my cupboards and fridge you would only see wonderful, healthy foods. You see I can hide from myself the packaging of fast food and crap I have been binging on. I thought the person with these horrible, destructive behaviors was long gone. Well, here she is again and I DON'T LIKE HER!

I know I need to get on the scale. I haven't been there forever. I am absolutely terrified of what I will see and the affect it will have on me. Should I do it or should I wait until I feel stronger? I don't know.

Well, that's my stupid, pathetic story. Putting this on paper or blogging usually helps me put things in to a better perspective.

I hope and pray that in a few weeks, months I will read this again and know I am over this very large hurdle and have found myself, once again.

Rindy
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KARENE10
    Hi Rindy,
    Just came across your blog and hope that you are feeling a little better. You had alot going on and of course you would be depressed. My work had hired a ton of people for the holidays so MY hours are less and less. Yay retail emoticon ,so with Christmas coming and my shopping addiction,I need more money and I am making way less----WELL,my point is that I've decided to exercise more---I MAKE myself go to the track(outside,in the cold) and walk/jog as long as I can. I even got blisters yesterday :). But I lost 3 pounds just from more exercise last week. I feel that if I just convince myself that since I have more time to exercise,than I HAVE to. I tried to turn a bad thing into a more positive thing. emoticon Karene
    P.S.-If you ever need to vent feel free to write me :)
    4214 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/6/2009 10:40:23 AM
  • MEOWMAMA3
    I'm so sorry that you're going through this tough time. Even if you're sad and scared you are at least not alone, as you can see by the outpouring of support and ideas here from your friends at SP. Keep focusing on one day triumphs. You went to the gym and burned all those calories cleaning the house! Try to find something soothing during your day; music, a good book, etc. Spark your socks off and that will help you feel loved and empowered and moving in the right direction! Hang in there!
    Kim in Philly emoticon
    4261 days ago
  • TRUSTYRUSS
    Hi Rindy, I wish I could pop over and give you a hug !

    I have had 8 years of up and down, nearly at the finish line now, when my new biz kicks off that will be the final thing done.

    I have been at home for 11 months now, living off my savings, havent done half the things I thought I would, but heck, who does?

    Dont get confused with the others who can pay to make their problems disappear, this is the real world, time will give you clarity, the gym is a good start, finding a quick detox plan might be a way fwd, just to get your brain in sync.

    I will keep popping in, you have great friends here, you already know that, so keep the faith and things will turn good, I was offered anti D tablets, did not fit with my mindset, so dont fret if you feel the same, they are not for everyone.

    best wishes little un

    R x emoticon
    4261 days ago
  • GETTINLITTLE
    Thank you all for your kind thoughts, comments and your words of advice. I had a decent night and am heading for the gym this morning. I will prevail! emoticon
    4261 days ago
  • BUSYMOM206
    What a trying time you are dealing with! It will get better. I would feel overwhelmed also. Seeing a Dr is not necessarily a bad idea. Lack of sleep, or a hard time getting really restful sleep, is also a sign of depression. I took an antidepressant for about 2 years. They can be different doses for different lengths of time. And they are not always forever. You have lost your way and need help getting back on the path. Much like the public speaker who gets lost and pulls out their notes. Or the hiker who pulls out a map. Sometimes you just need a nudge. It is good that you realize nighttime is the time to really plan. Make sure you have an arsenal of healthy snacks available to you. Grapes are good for my sweet cravings and flavored wheat thins work for my salt cravings. I also keep powdered slimfast on hand to fix a shake with if that sounds good. You can do this. I have every faith in you! Maybe we can meet up for a walk sometime?cvSpark me if you need to! Pam (leader of Spokane Sparks)
    4261 days ago
  • ADAPTABLE_ELLEN
    I hear you. I'm there too. Been laid off for over a year. I didn't want to do it, but with the long cold days of winter and worrying about bills, I finally went to my doc and got a prescription for an antidepressant. I only take a half now, but I'm thoroughly enjoying my "sabbatical" now. You only live once and I'm going to have the most fun possible. I hope exercise helps you, but if it's not enough, don't stay stressed and worried. It's hard on your entire body.
    emoticon
    4262 days ago
  • LACEEJO11
    I am here to say first of all...you are indeed having hard times...so first of all please do not put yourself down, or let anyone put you down, for talking...venting... about this nightmare that has you in its grip, at the moment...THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!

    OMG, I would be upset too, as would anyone. I have been through a lot of hard times, and have come through, but at times I wandered...I have learned to lean on the SERENITY PRAYER, memorize it, read it over and over until it is ingrained in your mind!! It is very freeing to realize that we need to let go of things we can not change and just focus on what we can change!!

    I would concentrate on one thing at a time. There will be a time when your feelings of despair are going to turn to anger...if you recognize that when it happens.... and use it wisely to your benefit, you will begin to feel a bit more in control...just be sure not to use it destructively!!

    I believe part of your feelings right now are a feeling of powerlessness...you need a sense that you are not losing it. I would go to my BIBLE and read some scripture...but that isn't for everyone. Time is a great healer. I hope you will continue to post and reach out for help. We have (most all of us) been through hard times. WE DO CARE. I hope this helps somehow. LOVE & HUGS, LaceEjo11



    emoticon
    4262 days ago
  • SLWRITER
    You just did so many great things! You went to the gym. You talked to your friends about how you feel. You recognized the urge to splurge! You stock your house with healthy food. And you're here Sparking. Three cheers for everything you're doing that is great! Give yourself pat on the back and a hug. It's not easy, but your glass is half full. We're all here for you and many of us honestly know exactly what you're feeling. Having said that, talking with your doctor isn't the worst idea if your sadness persists.

    emoticon emoticon
    4262 days ago
  • EMILYBEMENT
    girl we need to talk. You are here, first baby step right foot, you know you have to do something second baby step left foot. Get to a doctor,right foot, get to SP alot more left foot. Keep talking right foot...you getting the picture.
    Stop- think it through- set a plan- right foot-left foot.
    I have your back all you got to do is come here and we all will help. Hugs, Em
    4262 days ago
  • MILDREDDRYSDALE
    Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come.We have only today. Let us begin.
    - Mother Teresa

    You'll be okay. Sometimes when I feel like eating I go on spark people and play stupid games and post spark points and spend time. And before I know it time has passed and i didn't eat junk. emoticon emoticon
    4262 days ago
  • INDEJAM09
    WE HAVE ALL SHARED YOUR FEELINGS. IT'S NOT WHINING IT'S SHARING AND THAT'S HOW YOUR LESSEN YOUR BURDEN.
    THANKS FOR SHARING WITH US, THIS TOO WILL PASS!
    JEANNE IN GA
    4262 days ago
  • INDEJAM09
    WE HAVE ALL SHARED YOUR FEELINGS. IT'S NOT WHINING IT'S SHARING AND THAT'S HOW YOUR LESSEN YOUR BURDEN.
    THANKS FOR SHARING WITH US, THIS TOO WILL PASS!
    JEANNE IN GA
    4262 days ago
  • INDEJAM09
    WE HAVE ALL SHARED YOUR FEELINGS. IT'S NOT WHINING IT'S SHARING AND THAT'S HOW YOUR LESSEN YOUR BURDEN.
    THANKS FOR SHARING WITH US, THIS TOO WILL PASS!
    JEANNE IN GA
    4262 days ago
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