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Give yourself permission

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Sunday, October 18, 2009

Here it is Sunday again and time to blog. My "Denial is a River in Egypt" blog had such tremendous response I am still in awe. Trouble is -- how do you follow THAT up?
I asked my hubby what if I go down in Sparkpeople history known as the "One Hit Wonder"?
He wisely replied "I bet Katrina of Katrina and the Waves ala Walking on Sunshine fame is still trying to spend her millions". He is right. Even if that's the only inspiring, motivating, words that come out of my brain, I still have so many many new friends and well wishers whose lives were touched by those words and that took the time to let me know....
I'M RICH!!!!!!!
Thanks to everyone who responded and let me know that they are struggling right along with me. I'm not in the boat alone and to me that is priceless.

People have looked at my picture and said I am beautiful. Me? Beautiful? I've always considered myself passable, but beautiful? I guess make up and a good hair stylist can work wonders...

It amazes me. Why are we our own worst critic? It's like standing in a dressing room trying on size 2's and still feeling fat because there is a little roll of loose skin around the belly that all the crunches in the world isn't going to budge. Yet I don't feel at risk for a true eating disorder other than food addiction. My self image isn't fueled solely by my appearance, thank goodness.

This has gotten me to thinking. When I was heavy, I didn't highlight my hair. Sculpt my nails. Wear contacts. Why didn't I? Because when I was over weight I put my life on hold for the great someday when I was going to be thin. For our 25th wedding anniversary my husband wanted to fulfill our dream of taking a cruise to Alaska, but I refused to go. Please, I begged. I don't want to go on a cruise and be fat. There is so much food on a cruise I can't stand to gain anymore. He relented but said get busy...

Our 28th anniversary arrived and I had finally gotten serious enough to lose 25 lbs. and I agreed to go. A cruise! Just the two of us! After spending most of our married life busy raising three children and spending every single vacation in his hometown so the grand parents could see our kids, we were finally going on a vacation -- ALONE.
I was almost petrified. This was a romantic occasion. It required "romantic wear". To be more exact. It required sexy...

I have a habit of seeking counsel from those in the know when I have questions. So with that in mind I went to lunch with my favorite niece. My spicy, sassy niece. A curvascious, busty, blonde who exudes sexuality in a size 14. First thing she does is order pasta. I gasped -- carbs! Aren't you on a diet I asked her? "Not today" she laughed. I laid out my quandary for her. Where do I find sexy nighties in MY size? She laughed again and waving a breadstick at me said "Aunt Joanne, Aunt Joanne, haven't you been in Lane Giant lately? They have a whole selection of heifer teddies"!
Where? What?
Lane Bryant she told me. A teddy is...
Yeah yeah. I know what a teddy is.
Did I know that even heavy people have permission to feel sexy?, she asked.
Wow! Talk about being hit between the eyes! I couldn't help but wonder what else was I not giving myself permission to feel, do, think, until I hit that magic goal weight number on the scale?

We went on our cruise and had a great time. Yes, I felt plenty sexy in my "heifer teddy"! I've since graduated to Victoria's Secret as anyone who read my "Free Panty" blog knows. I wish I could say that I reformed my thinking that very day but as I said in "Denial" it took a push from my daughter only six or so months ago to let me permit myself to run. Now I'm putting on a bathing suit and taking the swimming lessons I always wanted to take.

Don't put your life on hold until you are at you goal. Get out there and enjoy it. Try things you always thought you couldn't do because you are heavy. If I had ran when I first longed to, I would have been at goal a lot sooner than I was. Put on a bathing suit and get in the water! Write that book, learn to play poker. Whatever. AND wear something sexy...
That's why Lane Bryant sells them!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • B28680
    3120 days ago
  • MGS528
    Thanks. You are so inspiring!!
    3126 days ago
    Awesome blog. You have what I want health and confidence to share with my grandchild. Thanks for sharing. I t does help to know that others have overcome the same struggles!
    3134 days ago
  • BABYRN73
    This was wonderful...thank you so much!
    3134 days ago
    3134 days ago
    Dang straight! ....wow you're very...inspiring, as a person. Makes me feel like I need to get out there and do, and you know what? I think I will!
    3135 days ago
    Rock on sista! Rock on!
    3135 days ago
  • MADDE3333
    Love it....especially the reminder about not putting our lives on hold. My sister always wanted to go to Ireland and Hawaii, but never got there....always waiting for some day in the future. She got sick and passed away in 2005 never having the opportunity to travel to places she longed to see ... always putting her life on hold.
    3136 days ago
    "Don't put you life on hold..."
    No wiser words...
    I enjoy your posts!
    3137 days ago
  • JOYSONG1960
    I love this post!
    3137 days ago
    I'm still working on losing those extra rolls (around the midriff). I was so afraid of getting my feelings hurt that I stopped trying to be sexy for my husband. I have so many teddies that have been put aside for flannel PJ's & hid those extra rolls Once again, you have given me inspiration again. I see what happens & let you know on your next blog.
    . emoticon
    3137 days ago
    LOVE IT!!!
    3138 days ago
    "Because when I was over weight I put my life on hold for the great someday when I was going to be thin." this is so true-i couldn't have said it better-i have felt this way for a long time now and am now beginning to break free of not living until i'm thin thinking. Good blog-very insightful!
    3139 days ago
    You're no One Hit Wonder! You are a daily joy.
    3139 days ago
    Love it!
    3139 days ago
    I have to agree--you will never be a 1 hit wonder. Fantastic blog. I have often mused on what you wrote about...waiting until I was thin and fit to wear makeup, do my hair, have a nice wardrobe...paint my toenails...you name it. I don't know WHY I wait. I have spent most of my life waiting. Your blog may be just the thing I need to stop waiting, and un-frump myself!
    3139 days ago
    You are NEVER going to be a one hit wonder you are too hilarious and oh SOOOO right. Thank you again for another inspiring blog.
    3140 days ago
    3140 days ago
    Great thoughts. We all have to stop being our own worst critic and enjoy all the moments of our lives, big and small.

    Keep up the blogs - they're great!
    3140 days ago
  • MIS2101
    3140 days ago
    3140 days ago
  • BMARIE888
    Great blog! I've been putting off shopping for any new clothes because I'm not at my "goal weight" yet. Thanks to you, I think I'll buy myself something nice anyway.

    You are a motivation - keep writing! emoticon
    3140 days ago
    YOU need to be a motivational writer!! GREAT blog!
    3140 days ago
    Wow, what an inspiration! At 52 and with a dodgy knee myself, I've said I won't be able to run - and I've totally stopped EVER feeling (or looking) sexy! Your two recent blogs are making me look very hard at my attitude.

    I tell off my DS (18) for his lack of care with regard to his hygiene and appearance - "Why won't you make the most of yourself?" I nag. Hmm, look in the mirror. OK I bath more than he does but....

    Thanks for the push!
    3140 days ago
    great blog
    3140 days ago
    Joanne, Thanks for the reminder. My word for this year is 'Cherish.' Learn from the past, cherish- read- LIVE IN the present and anticipate the future. Too often, I am other-worldly. I agonize over what has beenand am fearful of what may be. Again, thanks for the reminder to live TODAY!!! How many times have I looked at old photos where I felt... blah... and realized I looked Great!
    Today, I lived in the present, didn't worry about falling off and went riding on the prairies with my DD. What a gift it was!!!
    Thank you Joanne.
    3140 days ago
  • JAVAJO47
    Your blog really hit a spot with me. I have so many times neglected to put on a nice bathing suit thinking I didn't look like all the other Twiggys out there. When I finally got up the nerve this last summer, it felt so wonderful. My hubby and I truly enjoyed our weekend at the ocean and all I could think of was that had I not put on the bathing suit, I'd have denied myself this special moment.
    3141 days ago
  • B-FLAT
    I needed to hear that today....thanks!
    3141 days ago
  • LAURIE5658
    Joanne, my Sparktastic buddy, why is it that it is OURSELVES that deny OURSELVES little pieces of happiness? Why is it we are our own worst critics? Why is it that we bash ourselves that no other person would come close to doing to us? Once again, you have put these burning questions into perspective so elequently. THANK YOU!

    I have a hug especially for YOU this Saturday!!!

    3141 days ago
    Tank you. You are an amazing woman and I look forward to reading the words of wisdom that you have to share. I find myself doing the same things, not caring about my hair or nails because I don't really like the way I feel. What I need to remind myself is that when I do those things for myself, I feel much better.
    3141 days ago
  • WASABI601
    emoticon . Another great blog as usual....one hit one wonder???? I'm can't wait for the "greatest hits collection"
    3141 days ago
  • WASABI601
    emoticon . Another great blog as usual....one hit one wonder???? I'm can't wait for the "greatest hits collection"
    3141 days ago
    When I grow up, I want to be just like you. Band-aids and all! emoticon
    3141 days ago
    emoticon Blog, you've done another one, so not a one hit wonder .....

    Thanks so much for sharing your advise.
    3141 days ago
    Great blog, at any size we should appreciate our body because it does keep us moving and alive.

    I remember someone told me long ago...if your friend told you that they didn't want to purchase any new clothes until they were "the size" what would you tell them. Of course the answer would be ...go out and buy something nice and pretty.
    3141 days ago
    Great blog! Thanks for sharing!
    3141 days ago
    Another great blog. How did you manage to hit the nail on the head again! I recently had to write a wellness mission and found myself saying I want to feel sexy or buy that little black dress. Why am I waiting??!!
    3141 days ago
    I have to tell you that you are one AMAZING WOMAN, and to THANK YOU so much for all that I have read from you. I will have to go and read all the stuff that I havent gotten to read yet, you make me laugh and think about alot of things in my life.

    THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    3141 days ago
    Believe it or not, even a fellow here can appreciate your thoughts...although I KNOW I can be my own worst critic, it still doesn't stop me from bashing myself terribly when it comes to my body!

    Great thoughts for ALL of us!

    3141 days ago
  • TREESA57
    I read your blog today and its kinda funny to me because I always felt a bit sexier with the extra padding. Now I dont want to wear the teddies because I feel too exposed. I am enjoying the new bras and thongs I can get into but the lingerie was so much more sexy when I had more meat to put into it! I guess it just goes to show your line about waiting for goal is true! I liked the stuff better before goal! Thanks for the read today. I enjoyed it.
    3141 days ago
    Add me to the growing list of those who love your blogs! emoticon You have a wonderful knack for hitting home. I had not realized that I had gotten so frumpy until I dropped weight and started to feel perkier. Then I got my way too long for a 60 year old hair cut short and feminine, and bought the first jeans I'd had in ages. I am so done with shapeless jumpers! And I have a swimsuit for my trip to Chicago tomorrow! I have curves that I had not realized and don't look at all bad in it other than I still have a bit of a pot belly. CARDIO!! emoticon

    You keep blogging!! emoticon

    emoticon Cindy
    3141 days ago
    Your blogs are great! I really enjoy reading them. You make me chuckle & they also make me think.

    It is now 3:30 a.m. here & it's time for bed. So have a great night & day.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3141 days ago
    emoticon Really don't ever put anything off because of your weight. I just keep thinking of myself the way I was. I know I don't look the same, but I don't care?
    3141 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/19/2009 1:33:52 AM
    I am down from a tight 3X to a regular large... and at age 55, I got my first Merry Widows... man, they are so fun to put on. Er, not that I've got a partner these days, but STILL- the confidence they give me, the silly feeling of having it on under my blouse... OH YES. I finally got some pretty undies yesterday. Woot! I'm moving past my plain white Hanes.... I can SO relate, but you say it so well. Thanks for sharing!
    3141 days ago
    I really like your blogs. They hit home to me. I am 47, almost 48, and am working to get to a healthy weight. When I read your blogs they really hit home! Thank you!

    3141 days ago
    I enjoy your blogs. Thanks for sharing thought-provoding topics. Have a good week.
    3142 days ago
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