1-99 SparkPoints 45


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Have been going through HELL for the longest, longest, LONGEST time. For almost 2 entire years now. Have been living in hideous survival financial ruin mode for just about 2 yrs now. It has RUINED my ability to function normally. I have simply NOT been my positive, upbeat, loving self whom I love SO MUCH all this time. I have become a stranger to myself, to my friends, to anyone I ever knew here & really cared about. I don't care about myself anymore, I don't care about life, I have no dreams, no goals, no purpose, no function. The threat of homelessness or worse is always on my doorstep, daily. I never know what's going to happen from day to day, in a painful financial way, so I live with a constant heavy heart & dread. This is not good. I've gained weight behind it, of course. Ugly bumps & lumps I cannot stand. But worse is the dread, the daily, daily dread of not knowing HOW I'm ever going to make it again & be able to afford to live. Jobs--all I can get now are hideous barely above minimum wage type jobs like housekeeping. They destroy my back, my kidneys. No time to drink water even. Just work, work, work, work, work. Hard HARD A$$ physical labor that is painful beyond belief. I just quit one job, will start a new one in another week. "In training" right now with a bunch of others. Management claims this job is going to be "fun", but I already dread it like crazy. And it's only part time, but constant varying shifts so it would make it hard to have/find a compatible 2nd job. But yes, I HAVE TO take it. As soon as I pay the rest of this month's bills I'll be back to living on accumulated change--which I've had to do so many, many times in this 2 yrs.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I am one gal who understands more than you know. I've been through Hell in my time. Jobless, joyless, moneyless, friendless, and homeless. Here's the good news: there's life on the other side. I now have a roof over my head, the utilities are on, and there's food in the fridge. You can make it through, too. Forget about worrying about how awful your next job is going to be, and replaying how terrible things have been the past two years. Those thoughts just make us anxious and depressed, so steer clear of them. Instead, just think about making it through today. The way out of ANY situation, no matter how terrible, is always taken one step at a time.
    4107 days ago
    It sounds pretty trite, but try not to worry about the future. It's too overwhelming. All you ever have to do is make it through one day.

    I'm not really a Christian, but I think there's a quote in the bible somewhere about the ravens doing nothing but cavorting all day and God still provides for them. I think that kind of religious faith can help a lot, but it's also just interesting to think that for two thousand years people have been counselling others about living in the present and not worrying about the future.

    Best of luck to you - it sounds like you could really use some good luck!
    4136 days ago
  • DINY123
    I am thinking good thoughts for you- that this new job be fun and uplifting for you and you can see your potential in it- I see you are a member of THE SECRET team- I really hope you read some of the threads over there- YOU R NOT Alone- and be confident that good things are coming your way- I know these good thoughts are!
    4141 days ago
    Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers but any job is what you make of it. I love the story above about the cleaning woman and it fits. I have been a hotel room cleaner for the last 15 years and yes it's a killer some days and I can barely move after cleaning, but it's also a very rewarding job when you bring God or your spiritual higher self into it. Just think of the tired and weary traveler who's day will be brighten up when they come into a clean room. I know it's hard when you're already having a hard time I've been there myself but reach out to people like you have been, and take it one moment at a time. you will survive this, and you need to for yourself.
    4142 days ago
  • VICIOUS421
    Sorry to hear about your situation, a lot of people are finding theirselves where you are. I know that doesn't make it any better or easier for you though. I hope your situation improves. Look into outside help, there are agencies in almost every town that will help you out when you are in a bad way. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes help comes from the most unexpected people and places. Good luck.
    4142 days ago
    Hi, Sierra--
    I was sorry to read your recent blog, but at the same time glad to hear from you on the old Spark again. Your plight reminded me of myself some years ago, fighting to keep a roof over our heads and really struggling to keep my son fed and secure. Under the circumstances it was really hard for me to keep a positive spirit and not give in to despair. I was feeling like a failure (I had two college degrees, but couldn't find a job anywhere, so I was working 2, 3, sometimes 4 part-time labor jobs) and still I couldn't seem to make ends meet. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

    On one of my worst days, a wonderful lady shared an experience with me that made a profound difference in my perspective on menial labor. I'll briefly share her experience with you here in hopes that it will give you some encouragement, too. The lady, who was an older Japanese woman visiting in the US, told my friends and me that she was currently the CEO of a huge technology company (you would recognize the name immediately if I told you), but that she had started with the company as custodian working with a crew cleaning the dozens of bathrooms in the huge company building. She said she had not had the opportunity for much education and was very glad to have any job...even cleaning bathrooms. She made a determination to be the most thorough, the most reliable, the most short the best restroom cleaner that the company every had. Well, it was inevitable that her great work ethic and exemplary attitude would come to the notice of the building management, and before long she was promoted to a cleaning supervisor. As a cleaning supervisor, she was very grateful and made a determination to be the most trusted, the highest regarded by the other cleaners, the most proactive...the very best cleaning supervisor the company every had. She was so valued as a supervisor by the building management, that when a management position came up in the mail room, she was offered the position, which she accepted. Again, she determined to be the best manager, have the most efficient department, the most satisfied employees, etc. As a member of the Building Management Team she was afforded opportunities to be of service to the company management and owners, who were consistently impressed with her attitude and moved her from building management to company management where she eventually worked her way, through exemplary company service, to the highest position in the company.

    Over the years, no matter what job I have had--good or bad--I have always been influenced by her story, and did my best to do the best job I possibly could. I am passing this story on to you in hope that you, like me, will be able to think of those miserable little in-the-meantime jobs as stepping stones to success. I know that if you grit your teeth, smile, and do the best job you possibly can, your efforts will be noticed and fortune will rain down upon you.

    Hang in there, Sierra. We all care about you and have faith that you will emerge victorious.
    4142 days ago
    I have missed you so much and been worried. I am so sorry for your troubles I will pray for you and keep you always in my thoughts.
    4143 days ago
    You will be in my prayers. Try and keep a positive attitude and lean on friends for support. That's what true friends are for. Things will come around.
    4143 days ago
    You get a prize for sharing that
    thanks for taking the time to type out your thoughts. Been there!
    4143 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/22/2009 12:25:08 PM
    You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the new job is better than you expect and that a secondary job makes it's way to you. There are always direct sales, such as Avon (which I've done for years,) Tupperware, etc. that might be an answer for you.

    4143 days ago
    My heart is with you dear shames me to say that this happens in America! I think more people are in your boat than would ever dare to could be do not feel that you are alone! When things seem the sometimes seems that more stuff just piles on...I'm soooo sorry and wish I had the capacity to swoop in and save you.

    First, realize that there are many agencies that can help you...start a concentrated effort to find them...ask my Spark buddy Carolyn..she is a wealth of information on that subject and she has a heart bigger than the universe...reach out to your Sparkie friends and I thank you for doing so with this post...some one some where will give you the information you need to help you along this difficult path...there is help...and you are not alone...maybe call Legal Aid in your area to help save your NOT leave your home..I just read an article about a Representative in Minn. telling her constituents NOT to leave their homes..the sheriff's department was not forcing them's a crime of greed putting people out on the streets..I deplore those greedy banks for not working with the homeowners and then selling it for pennies on a dollar to some stranger...I wish I could change your life right now..but YOU can...just don't give up...we are all here for you dear one..stay in need our support right now... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4143 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/22/2009 8:25:24 AM
    Sometimes, life demands that we go into survival mode. Please don't beat yourself up any more for the things you haven't been able to do, or for a shortness in temper. We understand.
    4143 days ago
    I'm so sorry to read this, I had no idea.
    4143 days ago
    I am just so sorry Sierra! I don't know what to say-guess there isn't anything to say. I will keep you in my thoughts/prayers. FWIW-Please know I am here. emoticon

    4144 days ago
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