Dear Doctor Monkey Brains,

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Sept 29, 2009

Dear Doctor Monkey Brains,

Hi there. My Name is Dave. I know you won't remember this, so I'm mentioning it again.

I wanted to take a moment and thank you for allowing me to come to your amazing and wonderful medical facility today and for the outstanding treatment that I received. I am so thrilled with the Kaiser system in the first place, but you..well you are just icing on the cake.

First off, I was so thrilled with the treatment I got from your nurse today. Imagine my ultimate glee when she got so excited and announced to everyone around how much I weighed. I especially loved how she started it with, the words, Oh My God. Now that was priceless. Such a great way to introduce the actual numbers she quickly said. I felt warm inside. Happy. Please thank her for this. Oh by the way, her name, she carefully had her nametag covered up with stickers and stuff like that...oh well.

However, it gets better and I hope you will help her feel like Nurse of the Month for her deft handling of the blood pressure machine. Now I know that for most of the skinny health people that you see at your nice facility, Blood Pressure doesn't matter. However, for me it's pretty important. Especially today, since you and I were going to talk about Blood Pressure. So when she wrapped the BP cuff clearly made for teenage girls around my...let me put it as she did..."Jesus, that's a big arm" (we will use JTABA for this expression now..but I digress...), her exclamation was so kind and gentle. And of course she couldn't be bothered to get a bigger cuff, so she just quickly wrapped it around my forearm, I was impressed at the quick thinking on her feet. Of course when my blood pressure broke the record for any reading I have ever had, I loved it when she exclaimed, "Wow...that's really high". That was wonderful.

Of course when you came in the room 20 min later (thanks for not making me wait the usual 45 min.), I see where the good training of your nurse came from as you also didn't seem to think that getting a larger BP cuff was important and so you just wrapped my arm up like a nice tight sausage and just pumped away. I have to tell you that I didn't know velcro could hold that well and I'm pretty sure that I'll put my next house roof on with the same velcro found on the BP cuff that was Made in China.

Wasn't it great that the BP that you got was nearly the same as the nurse got. Interesting that my BP cuff at home, which is lots bigger and doesn't squeeze my arm like King Kong holding a blonde, gets a much lower number, thus I was coming to you today to see if I could stop taking the pills that another doctor who only saw me once prescribed that make me feel like I'm having a permanent Acid Trip...oh..wait..I never actually inhaled the Acid....

But that's not really why I'm writing. What I'm writing about is to thank you for the amazing lesson in nutrition that you gave me today. I learned so much and I'm sure that your words will change my life.

First of all, thanks for telling me that I'll never lose weight on my carefully laid out nutrition program done on SparkPeople. Your are right, the internet is full of crappy stuff and by the way, I am really sorry that you got ripped off on Ebay. I'm sure the DVD player you tried to by from Germany was very legit, but there are just bad internet geeks out there making stuff up. Your assertion that the only way I will lose weight is to eat 1000-1200 calories a day instead of the 2000-2200 that my nutrition program says is probably right on the money.

I really loved the lesson you gave me about Marathon Runners. Here are the things I didn't know that you taught me:

1. Marathon Runners are all Skinny. I didn't know that. I'm sure that on the last olympics I saw some really fat runners, but I guess that they were shotputters.

2. Marathon Runners are Skinny because they don't eat. Now when I think about it, it makes sense. The thought of anyone running a Marathon and eating too would clearly be at cross purposes.

3. Because they don't eat they are skinny and so they can run. Now this, profound in so many ways has me going to the mountaintop with the wisdom of it.

4. When I told you about a friend of mine that runs like more than a marathon very often and is really thin, very fit and muscular and eats about 5500 calories a day....I'm glad you reminded me that he must be lying. I've know him for years, and I think you are right, he lies about everything. Including, as you said, being my friend and telling me bunk like that.

5. I will never be a Marathon Runner. Just look at me. You are so right.

So I just wanted to thank you for today's visit. I mean, it costs me $1000 per month to be a "member" of your fine health care organization. And to think what value I got out of my time with you today, I just don't know why you don't tell them to raise the rates. And I want to thank you for telling me that my BP is way way too high. I know this now and the new, medically correct method of taking my BP with a small cuff or around my wrist is amazing. I also want to thank you for telling me to take more medicine. This is always good advice.

Lastly, thanks for telling me that to get skinny, all I need to do is not eat...or at least eat less than 1200 calories a day. I never tried this before. And when I told you that when I do that my metabolism slows to the speed of flowing peanut butter rivers, your assertion that this is all in my head is probably right. Damn, maybe I did inhale the Acid. Thank you for your assertive, all business manner. I hope all people begin to understand that compassion is over in health care today.

For all of this I am, so very Grateful. (hey..that's The Dead).

Warmest and Dearest Regards,

Dave "Jesus, That's a Big Arm" W.

PS. Please tell everyone at Kaiser how happy I am today that I spend $1000 a month for access to such wonderful care. And then kindly and quickly go f**k yourself, you unkind obnoxious blistering spench of a human being.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hmmm...Me = Marathon runner.....Me + training for Marathon = EATING LOTS OF FOOD....Me + Training for Marathon + EATING LOTS OF FOOD = maintaining my weight and hopefully muscle mass.

    OOF, I'm not sure what Kaiser faciltiy you go to, in what town...but I absolutely LOVE my Dr, his nurse. Please Please send this blog, word for word, off to Kaiser!!! There really are good Doctors in the system, and the one's like this one need to be cut loose!!!
    4238 days ago
    Zap this to your local paper, and do it quick. DO NOT delete the Kaiser word and maybe, with luck, they will be put out of business. How awful!
    4261 days ago
    LOL I love, love, love your attitude!! I'm so sorry you had to endure that kind of abuse at the care of so-called professionals.. It's sad to say but sometimes they aren't as smart as they make themselves out to be... I say stick with SP, millions of (losers=winners) winning the battle can't be wrong... I did it, you can too!!
    My dr wanted to put me on high-blood pressure meds so as to prescribe diet pills to counter-act each other.. does THAT make any sense???? UHH hell no! I REFUSED the high-blood pressure meds AND the diet pills.. I lost the weight, blood pressure came down to a normal range--ironic, eh? lol I showed him!
    Best Wishes!

    4274 days ago
    It is ludicrous to think that a man your height could even survive on 1000-1200 calories a day. That is ridiculous. It is also very hard to sustain. BTDT and I gained it all back and more. This time I am not going crazy on the calories (or lack thereof) but I have a long, long road ahead of me and I know I need to make the sort of changes that I can sustain because this is going to be for the rest of my life.

    Sorry your doctor sucks. I am so glad to live in Canada.

    - Sandy
    4275 days ago
    Thank you for so eloquently writing about the humiliation we all experience to some extent as fat people! Now, as SORGIN said, shoot this off to your local paper, and the head of Kaiser in your town, and the Kaiser Ombudsman. Don't think for one second that you aren't worthy of being heard, because O-Wise-One you speak for all of us!!

    Shame on this Dr. and his staff! Someone needs to educate them - sooner rather than later!
    4277 days ago
    This is brilliant and needs to be published in a magazine. Thanks for sharing this and reminding me that I'm not alone!
    4277 days ago
    This was hilarious!!!!

    Now complain to Kaiser because that is ridiculous and demand to see a different doctor because you deserve better treatment than that! Morons!
    4277 days ago
    As a nurse, I'd like to protest that the person you dealt with first was probably NOT a nurse - there are very seldom nurses in offices now, and if there are, they handle phone questions, etc. That said, she should be better trained, whatever her credentials. I hope you sent some version of this to Kaiser - they need to hear this feedback.

    Keep looking for a doctor - this one is obviously NOT a good fit for you! (Like the understatement?)
    4277 days ago
    OMGoodness I loved this. I want you to be my advocate whenever I talk to any doctors!
    4277 days ago
  • MUSIC66
    that doctor should not off been so mean nor should the nurse they sound so unpro fessional . hope they lose business.
    4278 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/2/2009 3:56:10 AM
    I think I liked the vitriol in the original title! But hey.
    4278 days ago
  • ATR_1983
    You should not have to put up with this. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I used to be a member of Kaiser when I first started Sp and I have had some a** holes of a doctor to tell me stop eating to loose weight. How ever the doctor i had when I left Kaiser was great. When I told her about spark she loved it and even joined herself to learn more about it. Anyway don't let that idiot of a doctor get you down. I know you can and will loose weight.
    4278 days ago
    Oh how I laughed! You have a real talent with words. However, the underlying seriousness and the humiliating way you were treated is far from laughing matter. I really don't understand how such insensitive, obnoxious people can find themselves into the health care profession. I myself have gone through several "enlightening" doctor moments, though, thankfully for me, they weren't public, but confined to the exam office. And what is it with the marathon running? Moments after my doctor revealed that the fill-in doctor from a previous appointment had put me on diabetic meds (even though my sugars are that of an extremely healthy person) to suppress my appetite as I obviously ate too much, he rambled on about how I should start running marathons, as that would shape me up! Then I had the unpleasant task I having to go back several months later where another fill-in doctor diagnosed that yes, I do indeed have Rosacea due to an extreme hormone imbalance, the very issue that I had been going to the doctor for and insisting on for the past two years!
    So now I see a Naturopahtic M.D. who costs more, but is supportive, respectful and supports My Spark People efforts. good luck in YOUR search. And thanks for letting me clog your blog with my rabid venting.
    4278 days ago
    I cannot believe that a "trained professional" would even try to take your BP with a small cuff. Although I would sometimes grump inside when they pulled out the bigger cuff, I would much rather they do that and get an accurate reading. As far as the remarks and "advice" that were made--permanently delete those from your brain and demand to see someone else next time. Keep trying until you find someone who is compassionate and knows their stuff. There are those kind of doctors out there--we have ONE here and he is AWESOME. I can't wait until you follow your spark guidelines, lose a ton of weight and go back to this dude and tell him how you did it! Do take care, Kim
    4278 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/1/2009 10:18:33 AM
    OMG, what the h*ll is wrong with that guy??!?! Apparently they do still give out medical degrees in cracker jack boxes. The amount of purely wrong information he gave you is astounding and honestly he should be reported.

    Speaking of reporting, to whomever was rude enough to report your blog title 1) mind your own business, it's called freedom of speech 2) if you didn't like it, you didn't have to read it and 3) blow it out your diddy bag!
    4278 days ago
    SO right on and your original title was succinct and TO THE POINT!!! It all sadly can be so true. There are exceptions, even in the dreaded Kaiser system, but they're not the norm, that's for sure! But I would definitely report the nurse's behavior...that was SO unprofessional. (And hey! take your own BP equipment next time.)

    Keep experimenting with a different doc each time you deign to darken the doorsteps. You'll find one you resonate with eventually. That was always my technique. I used Kaiser in northern CA, with a broader pool of options in terms of professional styles and types of expertise (e.g. nutrition and wellness) to draw from than in other parts of the country...and it appears you may be from that neck'a da' woods as well...?

    Keep on keepin' on!
    4278 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/1/2009 8:28:37 AM
    This blog cracked me up! It makes me VERY grateful to have a doctor that is struggling with a weight problem as I am (she lost I believe 50 pounds to date) so she's been there.

    4278 days ago
    Thanks so much to whomever "reported" my original title as inappropriate....It was but still!!
    4278 days ago
    Woo-hoo! Kaiser! LOL

    Excellent post. I love the dripping sarcasm. In fact, I bet you lost a couple of pounds writing that, just in sacarcasm, alone!
    4279 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5127867
    Isn't it terrifying how little doctors know about nutrition?

    At least you have the grace and good humor to deal with your frustration in a positive manner.
    4279 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5128667
    O M G ..... what a post!

    First off, I must say your title definitely caught my attention - I'm in a dark place right now and the title actually made me smile and chuckle, which I don't tend to do readily right now. For this I deeply thank you.

    As for your contact, again, O M G - I can't even begin to express how much I feel for your situation. Like one of the other respondents, I am also searching for a new medical care provider due to incompetence the last time I visited (which almost makes my lack of insurance at the moment somewhat of a moot point). This once again brings up a very hot button for me re: incompetent workers in this economy when I'm forcibly at home, socially/professionally isolated and about to snap!

    Dave, again, my deepest sympathies for what you've been through, and I hope you succeed in getting what you need regarding medical support. And don't forget to stay here - any advise he'd have to say about the internet must be discounted in totality and out of hand at this point.

    Please take care, keep Sparkin', and have a gr8 day (well, as gr8 as you can get, anyhow)!

    4279 days ago
    of course I won't be going back to this doctor and as far as health care provider...well the economic times have the company that bought my company going for the cheap option....Kaiser. So I am a bit at the mercy of their whims.
    4279 days ago
    jesh! what an incredible experience!!
    Is there any way you can get another health care provider?
    4279 days ago
    This is the reason I don't have a doctor.
    I am still struggling to find a competent, knowledgeable one, and someone that doesn't make me waste my time sitting for hours in a waiting room with sick people....will probably be looking for the rest of my life.....

    And I don't suppose the nurse asked you to lie down to relax before properly applying the (properly fitting) cuff and treating you so professionally?
    No? I suppose that would be way too much to ask!
    (BP should be taken on a rested, relaxed person to get an accurate reading. Ha ha, as if that would be possible is such a situation.)

    And you are PAYING for this wonderful service and information?????
    ARE YOU NUTS?????
    I's be out the door asap!!!!!

    Good luck with finding someone better.

    Kindest regards

    Sam from South Africa
    4279 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/1/2009 3:02:20 AM
    Great post - should be sent to all health care people.

    I plan on wearing a badge "I might look like a hippopotamus but my feelings are human" emoticon

    Keep on posting - i brightens my day!
    4279 days ago
    Wow what a day. It's no wonder your blood pressure was high even before they used the cuff that was way to small. Just going to the doctor can raise a persons blood pressure let alone having all those thing happen while at the appointment. I hope that you find a different clinic and doctor to see as this one isn't worth your time. Just keep following your plan with SparkPeople and please look for a different doctor. I have had great responses from all the doctors that I have spoken to about SparkPeople. Good Luck.

    4279 days ago
    Oh my God!!!! You are a strong man, with big arms, ha ha ha. And you didn't kick him in the balls? I'm impressed.
    4279 days ago
    Hey Dave, you shouldn't bottle it up like that, mate! ;)

    Sounds like a charming visit to the doctor! Ah well, at least it should help your determination to run that goddamn marathon and then go and show him the medal. You can ask him about his last marathon at the same time....ooooooohh, he can't run that far? smirk smirk.

    We all know you can do it. Just a brief wander around sparkpeople is enough to convince me that those with medical issues aside, everyone can run a marathon if they're prepared to put in the work. Go you good thing!

    4279 days ago
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