Dear Doctor Monkey Brains,
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Sept 29, 2009
Dear Doctor Monkey Brains,
Hi there. My Name is Dave. I know you won't remember this, so I'm mentioning it again.
I wanted to take a moment and thank you for allowing me to come to your amazing and wonderful medical facility today and for the outstanding treatment that I received. I am so thrilled with the Kaiser system in the first place, but you..well you are just icing on the cake.
First off, I was so thrilled with the treatment I got from your nurse today. Imagine my ultimate glee when she got so excited and announced to everyone around how much I weighed. I especially loved how she started it with, the words, Oh My God. Now that was priceless. Such a great way to introduce the actual numbers she quickly said. I felt warm inside. Happy. Please thank her for this. Oh by the way, her name is...um...gee, she carefully had her nametag covered up with stickers and stuff like that...oh well.
However, it gets better and I hope you will help her feel like Nurse of the Month for her deft handling of the blood pressure machine. Now I know that for most of the skinny health people that you see at your nice facility, Blood Pressure doesn't matter. However, for me it's pretty important. Especially today, since you and I were going to talk about Blood Pressure. So when she wrapped the BP cuff clearly made for teenage girls around my...let me put it as she did..."Jesus, that's a big arm" (we will use JTABA for this expression now..but I digress...), her exclamation was so kind and gentle. And of course she couldn't be bothered to get a bigger cuff, so she just quickly wrapped it around my forearm, I was impressed at the quick thinking on her feet. Of course when my blood pressure broke the record for any reading I have ever had, I loved it when she exclaimed, "Wow...that's really high". That was wonderful.
Of course when you came in the room 20 min later (thanks for not making me wait the usual 45 min.), I see where the good training of your nurse came from as you also didn't seem to think that getting a larger BP cuff was important and so you just wrapped my arm up like a nice tight sausage and just pumped away. I have to tell you that I didn't know velcro could hold that well and I'm pretty sure that I'll put my next house roof on with the same velcro found on the BP cuff that was Made in China.
Wasn't it great that the BP that you got was nearly the same as the nurse got. Interesting that my BP cuff at home, which is lots bigger and doesn't squeeze my arm like King Kong holding a blonde, gets a much lower number, thus I was coming to you today to see if I could stop taking the pills that another doctor who only saw me once prescribed that make me feel like I'm having a permanent Acid Trip...oh..wait..I never actually inhaled the Acid....
But that's not really why I'm writing. What I'm writing about is to thank you for the amazing lesson in nutrition that you gave me today. I learned so much and I'm sure that your words will change my life.
First of all, thanks for telling me that I'll never lose weight on my carefully laid out nutrition program done on SparkPeople. Your are right, the internet is full of crappy stuff and by the way, I am really sorry that you got ripped off on Ebay. I'm sure the DVD player you tried to by from Germany was very legit, but there are just bad internet geeks out there making stuff up. Your assertion that the only way I will lose weight is to eat 1000-1200 calories a day instead of the 2000-2200 that my nutrition program says is probably right on the money.
I really loved the lesson you gave me about Marathon Runners. Here are the things I didn't know that you taught me:
1. Marathon Runners are all Skinny. I didn't know that. I'm sure that on the last olympics I saw some really fat runners, but I guess that they were shotputters.
2. Marathon Runners are Skinny because they don't eat. Now when I think about it, it makes sense. The thought of anyone running a Marathon and eating too would clearly be at cross purposes.
3. Because they don't eat they are skinny and so they can run. Now this, profound in so many ways has me going to the mountaintop with the wisdom of it.
4. When I told you about a friend of mine that runs like more than a marathon very often and is really thin, very fit and muscular and eats about 5500 calories a day....I'm glad you reminded me that he must be lying. I've know him for years, and I think you are right, he lies about everything. Including, as you said, being my friend and telling me bunk like that.
5. I will never be a Marathon Runner. Just look at me. You are so right.
So I just wanted to thank you for today's visit. I mean, it costs me $1000 per month to be a "member" of your fine health care organization. And to think what value I got out of my time with you today, I just don't know why you don't tell them to raise the rates. And I want to thank you for telling me that my BP is way way too high. I know this now and the new, medically correct method of taking my BP with a small cuff or around my wrist is amazing. I also want to thank you for telling me to take more medicine. This is always good advice.
Lastly, thanks for telling me that to get skinny, all I need to do is not eat...or at least eat less than 1200 calories a day. I never tried this before. And when I told you that when I do that my metabolism slows to the speed of flowing peanut butter rivers, your assertion that this is all in my head is probably right. Damn, maybe I did inhale the Acid. Thank you for your assertive, all business manner. I hope all people begin to understand that compassion is over in health care today.
For all of this I am, so very Grateful. (hey..that's like..cool..like The Dead).
Warmest and Dearest Regards,
Dave "Jesus, That's a Big Arm" W.
PS. Please tell everyone at Kaiser how happy I am today that I spend $1000 a month for access to such wonderful care. And then kindly and quickly go f**k yourself, you unkind obnoxious blistering spench of a human being.