It's Not Going To Be Pretty....An Ugly Life in a Pretty World

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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I remember this moment.....I was playing at a place I have always loved near Gualala, on the Mendocino Coast of Northern California. Before me, the wave and the rocks. My fingers on the strings felt good. The ocean air taking the sounds and whirling them around me. But what you can't know, I'm going to tell you...

That morning, I wanted to go down to the beach. It's a steep set of 116 stairs. More like a ladder in places. I know there are 116 stairs because there was a sign saying so. And so, down I went. And that wasn't too bad. I walked along the sand, fiddled in the tide pools and enjoyed God's amazing hand at all of this beauty.

Time to return to the room and so up I started and I'll never forget those 116 stairs. I spent two hours recovering from the ordeal. And it was, an ordeal.

Getting fat has come with all kinds of hassles and I think that most of you know these. I'm not going to try to wow anyone with a tale of how I can't find clothes, or how I don't fit places I used to. Boring. But what I can say, and what is deeply personal to me is that over time, at the young age of 43, I have become an observer and not a participant in life.

You may see a nice picture above, and I'm sure your mind can recall the sound of a guitar to sample in, but what you don't know is that while playing, looking out at the ocean, I felt a hole in my heart as large as the sea in front of me. I couldn't do any of what I wanted to do. I couldn't run, jump, climb or dance. I had to sit and play. I had to be passive and not active. I had to pretend that I was running on the beach. And that made me hurt. Deeply hurt. A pain.

I'm not going to be all joyful and happy right now. And in fact, that is one of the things that I do to hide my addiction. But I am going to be honest and real here about what I have missed out I have lead a life of a fat man (there I said it) for too long now. I have travel stories that need to be told about how I traveled the world working to create beauty and inside I was screaming and dying. The deep, dark, harder core me might not be fun. It might not make the jokes I have made about being "Little Dave". It might not let me lie about what I eat or how many pounds I have grown to be. It hasn't been a pretty life inside my head for a time longer than I can remember. When beauty surrounds me, invites me to be a part of it...I, in my current state, with my food addiction and my size, can not accept that invitation. I know...if something changes not, that invite will end.

This is what I saw as I sat and played...and this is where I wanted to be:

And I could not enjoy any of that beauty...because it was down 116 steps that I wouldn't have been able to make it up a second time that day.

I'm Dave. And this is not...The Biggest Loser Comedy Hour. This is real. There are people around me that tell me that if I don't get real, I'll be dead. Can I ask for your support?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are a wonderful writer. You have taken the hardest step already - the first one. This is a wonderful site for all the tools and information to help you be successful. Take it one step at a time, and we will be here to cheer you on your way. You are worth it! emoticon

    Your photo of the Mendocino coast makes me want to visit there! That is one of my very favorite places.
    4265 days ago
    I know exactly what you are saying. I'm not much of a participate. I try to be but I embarass myself sometimes. I live right on the water and I use to go out fishing with family but haven't been b/c I have trouble getting in and out of the boat. My weight keeps me from even volunteering to help others. Osteoarthritis in knees. I want to be outgoing again. I use to be spontaneous. Now I have to stop and think about things. I am getting better with support from friends on SP. I can't let my stinking thinkin keep me from living life again. Here's to us emoticon emoticon
    4265 days ago
    Count me as a supporter my friend. Admitting the truth and healing from the inside/out is 99% of the battle. We're here for you.
    4266 days ago
    Thanks everyone..for the amazing comments. To be sure...I Feel The Love!!
    4283 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/3/2009 9:08:52 AM
    Hi Dave,
    You've come to the right place! I understand how you feel about feeling limited by your weight. You've taken the first step in changing your life! The support and encouragement available here is just amazing. Except for a supportive husband, I felt very alone and limited by my weight. Then I found this site close to 2 months ago, and things changed for the better! You will find that people here really care. I wish you success on your journey. You WILL be walking the beach before you know it!
    4283 days ago
  • RASTUS55
    Very well put...I, like many, know what it is like to live apart from the rest of the world because I have let my weight control everything in my life. The clothes I wear, the social events I DON'T attend, the shame I feel everytime I see my reflection. It is all painful but the good thing about it is we can do something about it. You have come to the right place. I have taken off 12 pounds so far and I can't wait to start "living" again! Thank you for such a painstaking heart felt blog!
    4283 days ago
    You have a gift with the written (and I assume spoken and sung) word! What a very poignant post--I know everyone who reads it has to feel the emotion and pain that jump off the page. Welcome to a place of support along your journey. We will support you and allow you to be honest in whatever emotion you are feeling--not just the happy. Remember to take baby steps to get started--you can do this! Before you know it, you will be able to delight in the beauty of God's creation again! Hang in!
    4283 days ago
    "looking out at the ocean, I felt a hole in my heart as large as the sea in front of me. I couldn't do any of what I wanted to do. I couldn't run, jump, climb or dance."

    Oh do I know that feeling all too well. Being in our 2nd island home of Hawaii, longingly looking out at the ocean beckoning to me to just walk its shores. My shame, self consciousness and feeling that I wasn't worthy to simply walk the shore with others held me back. I can't remember the last time I was in the ocean, maybe 2004? I would look out our window and think of what it took to get to the beach and the steps to climb and of course would people scream something at me as I tried to enjoy the beach. All self imposed. The worst that could happen is someone says something mean. Big deal. Easier said than done though, isn't it? I can't wait to see a picture of the day you put your toes in the sand and accept the invitation!
    4283 days ago
    Thanks for the honesty and welcome. I know the steps you speak of. Not literally but figuratively. I found myself at 455 lbs just existing in a world that didn't fit me anymore. I am now 6 pounds away from losing my first 100. I have a long way to go but now I know I can get there. You will too. And the beauty of it all is that you can actually enjoy life along the way. You will conquer those steps in time!
    4283 days ago
    I found your blog through the post you wrote about things people say without realizing how much it hurts. Man, can you write! You've said what so many of us feel without being about being able to put it into words. I guarantee that there is an outpouring of support for you here and I think I speak for many of the people on this site when I wish you only the best in your journey!
    4284 days ago
    Very well said!!

    4285 days ago
    One step at a time, one day at a time !!! You CAN do it !!! you will find plenty of support here =) Best of luck !
    4285 days ago
    That brought tears to my eyes. I know it's real every word you said. I thinks thats why it hit me right in the heart. I've been fat most of my life. I am not a happy person, and there are so many reasons why. I will probably never run even if I lose the weight. I have a very bad back and can't even exercise . Your not alone in your journey. I feel alone. It's situations at home that often make me feel so alone and just not care.
    You sound like a beautiful man inside and out.
    I'm sorry your work isn't sending you out to travel like before ): You sound very depressed and THAT scares me. I am here for you, you just have to reach out, if you can. No pressure.
    4285 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1315172
    You can jump right back into participating in life. Just do the next right thing to help you accomplish your goal!
    4285 days ago
    Amen Brother ~ Hang in there You will make it ! and not only will you walk up and down them stairs but run up and down that beach.. My prayers are with you!!

    ~ Bill emoticon
    4285 days ago
    That was a beautiful post - best of wishes on your road to another man!
    4285 days ago
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