Saturday, September 26, 2009
When I successfully lost weight in 2002 I was surrounded by support. I was part of an online weight loss community. I had people at work cheering me on. I had my friends and my sister. My kids.
I feel alone this time. I guess having successfully gone there once then backward....ALL the way backward, makes people stay away. Maybe they don't know what to say. Maybe some are snickering behind their back because I fell back into the weight trap. I don't know why, I just know I feel alone. Like I'm fighting this all by myself.
To be fair, I haven't reached out as much as I did the first time. I'm ashamed of what I did. How far down I let myself go. I saw a picture of myself from the children's cancer walk I did a few weeks ago and if I didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have recognized myself. Who is that fat woman? What's she doing wearing my shirt and sunglasses?
I have done good with food since I last wrote. Not counting downward with the calories to lose weight, just not abusing myself with it. I even went to Olive Garden with Jan from work - she bought - and took home half of my meal and didn't eat myself into oblivion, or go looking for more food when I got home.
I've behaved today too but it's been really hard. One of my stressors is a sick kid. Yesterday when I picked up Michael from school he mentioned being so hungry his head hurt and went on about never having been that hungry before. There was something odd about it, and even after he left with Jack my mom radar was going off. Then at 9 this morning he calls me, in tears, asks if I got dad's text message.
He continued to have the terrible headache last night, and this morning was really congested and said his throat felt weird. Not sore, just weird, from his throat down to his knees he said.
Jack brought him back this morning and he seems okay now. Recently just told me he feels completely fine. Nick is home this weekend unexpectedly. Jen was coming home and he hitched a ride with her. Tomorrow he'll be taking the train back (Jack bought the ticket and I'll drive him to the station). Michael spent all summer with both biggest big brothers and he adores them. Jack thinks the headache last night was real, but the rest of it was just Michael needing a good dose of Nick - who's been gone since the first week in August. I think Nick needed a good dose of Michael too, he's really been enjoying him....they've been playing Halo ODST all day.
I'm sure Michael will be okay, but the stress of worrying over him brought out the food monster. I haven't overeaten though. I started to see I'd have an issue with the french fries from dinner so I passed the tray to Nick and I've been claiming my verse all day.
Going back to feeling alone.....maybe this is just part of feeling...period. Not feeling alone in my weight loss journey, just feeling alone. By myself with the kids. Dealing with the bills. The house. The laundry. Maybe I'm needing to face this part of my life and just deal with it. Make a greater peace with it, peace with the parts I stuffed down with food so I didn't have to feel them. Something to think about.......maybe more on this later.
I have two cakes to bake for tomorrow for Jack's birthday that we're all celebrating together. I also have laundry. I'd really like to sit and crochet. I'm working on an afghan to send to a girl in the hospital through one of my charity craft groups. I've become VERY involved with childhood cancer this year and the particular group I'm making this for I got to from one of the sites I follow for the cancer kids. The girl I'm making it for doesn't have cancer though but a chronic illness - a mitochondrial defect. She's 14 and in a wheelchair. The notes for her said she likes pink, purple, brown and blue. I found a pink chamo variegated yarn with brown - and some light green and cream. It's working up really cool.
I want to hide from the rest of what I have to do and just work on that but I have to be careful exchanging one shield for another. If I'm not escaping with food, I can't allow escape with something else - even if for a good cause like cheering up a teenager.
So I will bake those cakes, clean my upstairs bathroom, do some laundry and when the cakes are done, THEN work on the afghan...and watch Obsessed that I got from Netflix this week.
Hoping tomorrow to not feel so alone.