Huge reality check...from a 4 year old.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Yesterday, I was in my old home town to hold a charity event with my family. I have a few friends in this area whom I rarely get to see with busy schedules and families, children and other obligations to juggle, so when one of those friends called to invite me to watch her sons race their sling shot cars, I said yes. I really wanted the chance to catch up with her since it's literally been years since i've seen her. While we were watching the races, her adorably spunky 4 year old daughter turns to me and asks, "how did you get so fat?" (of course, while sitting on my friends lap who weighs about 120 pounds, is the same age as me and looks fantastic). OUCH. OUUUUUUUCH. Super ouch. I am sure you are wondering what I said in response to that...Honestly, nothing. I was completely dumbfounded first of all....most parents teach their children not to say things like that to people and my friend disciplined her daughter for saying something mean....but, how mad could i actually be at a child for being bluntly honest with me when most grown humans can't grace me with the same respect? Wow...you kind of tell yourself mentally that even though you know you are not in good shape that you are still beautiful and someone will love you for the way you are so you can keep yourself from getting completely depressed about the fact that you are indeed "fat.". Every woman does that no matter what size she is...But, that small question from a little girl who had no ill intent behind saying it just crushed any self esteem that I think i had left...what's worse is that my friend and i had been talking in the car about how she used slim fast shakes and lean cuisines and a lot of walking to lose weight and be as skinny as she is...honestly, ever since i've known her she's always been on the slimmer side of life...now she is just really skinny and trim...she suggested me drinking diet soda because that's what she does....then a half hour later upon arriving at the race, she gives me a strawberry shortcake dessert to eat(along with her)....and then she ate a 2nd one and insisted that i do as well....I responded" didn't you just hear what your daughter said to me?" Apart from the tears that i am fighting back right now as I write this, the level of embarrassment that I feel for the way i've allowed myself to become so unhealthy and clearly fat to all who look at me...it's funny, in recent months i had attempted to do the online dating thing, and guys always loved me when it was just talking on the phone...they thought i sounded like such a great girl and always asked why a great girl like me hasn't been snatched up....then i would meet these guys and immediately afterwards, they would either disappear or just say they only wanted to be friends. Mystery solved. I am in fact "fat." And despite what image of myself i see inside of my mind and walk around thinking that I am in fact looking good, truth is....i'm not. I'm looking unhealthy and unattractive. I still have to ask myself, why would a friend practically force feed me 2 strawberry shortcake desserts 5 minutes after her child called me fat? It almost seemed as if she was embarrassed that her daughter called me that because I am overweight and she is almost embarrassed to be with me...even though i don't think she feels that way, it came off like that....she's also had 5 kids! 5 kids and is skinny as a rail. I know that everyone has their own "issues" and that there is most likely something that she feels incredibly insecure about, but...given the high level of social pressure that exists in this day and age about weight and appearance and how people are conditioned to consider "overweight" equivalent of ugly, why would a 4 year old say something like that unless she heard similar comments made by her mother about other people? Hmmm....I truly believe that there are women out there who surround themselves with friends who are less attractive than they are in way or another to boost their own confidence level because they are in fact insecure, but i am not all that sure if that's what is happening now. 15 years ago, me and this girl were unseparable and I was in fantastic shape back then and probably stole a guy or two from her....so, it's not as if I have always been this overweight. This whole thing has honestly put my mind into overdrive....
I am not really sure why I decided to vent this here and post it here for all of you to read...perhaps because I only know 1 of you on a personal level and just felt more comfortable putting this out there to complete strangers....except you Jen. LOL. But, In a way I thought that maybe some of you had had similar things happen to you with friends or families children and had a friend who really didn't even apologize to you for what her child said prompting you to think that she feels the same way about you and is afraid to say anything....
People who have never really struggled with their weight don't understand the love/hate relationship with eating and food. They don't understand the inner discipline that it takes a lot of times to make the right food decisions and not to make those based on the emotional voids that you have in your life....it's not a disease, eating but to some of us...it can in fact be. That's the best way I can put it. And when I hear about people passing who were severely obese and their obituary states that they passed from a heart attack...i think, no. no they didn't. they died as a complication from a disease called eating that consumed them and overtook them and put them onto a path of destruction that decorated itself with pretty desserts and decadent meals....it looked like a pretty and delicious path to walk down, but little did they know that this path would be the death of them. I know that sounds a bit morbid, so i apologize if that offended anyone...that wasn't the intent at all....I have been having a very difficult time the past few months with taking care of myself....i feel like i have become consumed by this "eating" disease and I am truly sick of it. Sick of feeling run down and having sore knees from arthritis from putting too much weight onto my knees. I am sick of not being able to walk into any store of my choosing to purchase clothing without asking"is there a plus size section here?" I complimented a friends shirt yesterday at our charity event, and she said...Oh, run down to Boscovs on your way home and go in...they are on clearance and they have them in the Plus size department too!...Again....OUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What the hell have I let myself turn into is all I keep asking!!? Well, it has to stop. It has to stop and I have to regain the mental strength to think before I eat from now so I don't ever have to be put into a situation where anyones child or any adult for that matter calls me "fat."

If you stuck with me during this entire blog, Wow! I am a very long winded individual so I apologize if I made you late for work or a date or any other obligation!! Thanks for reading this....i hope no one gets offended by anything I said...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you so much girls for all of your sweet and encouraging comments. I am definitely not doing Spark or trying to improve myself for anyone else but the most important person in my world: ME! And I do agree that those kind of comments are not totally innocent from a child unless they hear comments made by their parents whom a 4 year old spends most of her time with...Big wakeup call as to what kind of person my friend might be underneath the surface and facade. But, regardless...I've always been a force or nature with my determination. It was either join me or get the hell out of my way while I go after what I want...I lost that for a while, but I am fighting like hell to get that back and it's coming back...the control of my life in all aspects is returning and so is the confidence and belief that no one is going to hold me down from being the woman that I want to be...that deep down inside, I already am.

    4288 days ago
    I get the not so nice comments from my mother on a regular basis, don't get me wrong shes a the best mother ever and I wouldn't trade her for the world but she just doesn't think before she speaks. I am the only big person in my family (and when I say big I mean a size 18 compared to a woman who can wear clothes for a 10 year old!) and the other day we were talking in general about a stupid comment one of her work colleagues made saying the government should give a payment to people who are slim and healthy. My mums response was that all my family would be entitled to it except me because i'm obese (she actually used the obese word to describe me!) and that she can't understand why i'm so 'huge' when I've always preferred savory foods and I was brought up exactly the same way as my 2 very healthy, fit and skinny brothers! I know she didn't mean it to sound offensive and I never made out that I was offended (why would I i'm fat bubbly Tammie who is always happy even though shes fat and screaming inside).

    I just know that I won't always be like this, in my eyes everyday is the last of me being that size and I will never be that big again because tomorrow I'd have lost half a pound or something and this time next month i'll be 5-10lbs smaller.

    As a group we can make the differences to our lives we want and change what needs changing. Please don't get upset by this bad mannered little girls comments, just imagine the look on your friends face the next time you see her and your skinny again.

    Good luck on your path to a happy healthier you but just remember you shouldn't wait until your skinny to be happy, you should be happy everyday when you know your working towards your goal.
    4288 days ago
    I can commiserate. I've had a child point out my belly in a diner, some kid at the next table over, announced to the entire place. "Wow, LADY YOU HAVE A BIG BELLY". All I could do was give a half smile, pat my belly, agree, and leave. It happens. I don't think it's entirely innocent. These kids are raised with that mentality at home, that kind of judgmental size oriented worldview. They get it from somewhere, and by what you say about her mom, she probably overhears all kinds of body snarking. Not intentional, of course, but some people just unconsciously judge and make commentary.

    As far as online dating? Any guy who would run if he saw a few extra pounds is a jerkface to begin with, no? Consider it quality control.

    I also getcha about the friend thing, last year a friend of mine said "OMG, you should have seen this girl, she was enormous, she was huge, she was even bigger than YOU!!" How are you gonna reply to that one? I just stared. Like, I'm the yardstick in your life to measure all fat people by? (Not that she's small...in fact, I think I'm thinner, now). I have had a few friends that surrounded themselves with plain, or heavy friends, then pointedly made comments and talked about those differences. A different friend and I used to go walking, and she'd say "Look at our shadows on the ground, mine is so much thinner than yours". I stopped walking with her...

    It's a part of life. It's not you, darling, it's them. You're here on Spark, surround yourself with positive body images and messages, tell your friend to eat a few strawberry shortcakes, and stuff one in that kid's mouth. Don't do it for them, or for cosmetic reasons, or clothes or anything. Do it for health, longevity, and the overall good feelings of pride, accomplishment, and energy. You sound like you're definitely on the right track, don't let other people get you down.
    4288 days ago
    All the very best to you in your journey. Sparkpage is a wonderful place to help you stay motivated. I've been blessed with meeting many people on here who have helped me immensely.

    4288 days ago
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