Saturday, August 29, 2009
Every week is a new lesson to be learned. This week it was another chapter on handling the stress issue: my inability to say "no" to the people I love and the effect it has on the commitment I've made to myself. It caused a new emotion I seldom acknowledge: anger. I failed to adequately communicate to those around me that I needed some down time; I could not take on any more projects. I was angry about the lack of concern by others for my well-being but ultimately, I was angry at myself for not standing firm on my resolve to take some time for myself. As a result, I lost control of my newly-learned habits. Not in overeating, but in losing focus; failing to eat at my normal times, not paying attention to my numbers, not making time for exercise.
True anger (the desire to throw things around, ranting and raving) is not an emotion I experience too often. Oh, I get miffed, irritated, annoyed, pi**** off, but anger? Not me. Anxiety is more my style. When I feel particularly anxious, it's usually the result of unfinished tasks. I write up a list called "What's Bugging Me". Usually, I can get to the cause of my anxiety by going through the list and, layer by layer, eliminating the offenders and finding the root cause. This time, I couldn't see that was I was well past anxiety. I was thinking about where things were at while I was riding my bike on Monday. Miles from home, I started to cry. And then shallow breaths. I stopped to get a deep breath and, oh no, am I going to throw up? Hyperventilation?? I started toward home and it happened again. I did this to myself and all because I couldn't say no. By Tuesday, I called the person who had asked me to do Just One More Thing and told her I was sorry, but I couldn't take anything else on. And life got a little brighter. And more focused. That was an extreme example for me of pulling away the layers (and a reminder for me to pay better attention to what's happening. It's time to stop the whirlwind existence for a little while.)
Pulling away the layers ----- can I apply that to what I've learned in the last 12 weeks? I'm seeing that each lesson learned, each new tool that I've learned to use, is contributing to building a balanced life. I have a long way to go but I'm 12 weeks wiser and 12 weeks healthier. I really don't think I'm pulling away the layers that are already there; I'm adding new layers to reinforce what I already have. So I guess it's kind of "out with the bad, in with the good". When I keep up with the "What's Bugging Me" list, I can replace anxiety with accomplishment.
And it finally happened, the time I knew would be coming soon: Wednesday, a coworker asked me if I was losing weight! (And I noticed that she went to the Y after work yesterday; are my good habits contagious??)
Happy end of Octob . . . oops, August!! (pardon my confusion - - It's 58 degrees and rainy today)