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Starting over again, again.

Friday, August 21, 2009

I feel like a big zero. I say I'm going to do something, I get all revved up, psyche my self out, and then do...nothing. I think the only person who is better at procrastinating, making excuses, and justifying a decision, action, or non-action, is my Mother. So I know where it comes from. My last entry was 2/4/09. I really was going to get in the groove and get things going. I think I made one or two entries in my trackers after that and then nothing. I can say life got in the way again, but that is an excuse. Life is there, and if you can't deal, you have to adjust. I need to start adjusting.
My excuses are long and, at the time, logical:
1. My foot was re injured and I went through therapy. How can I think about exercising when I was caught up in three times a week sessions with my PT? Well, therapy was exercise and I could have done my therapy exercises more diligently, plus add a little more.
2a. My aunt was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer, and we took her into our home to care for her. People were constantly bringing food to get her to eat, food that was high in calories, that the rest of us ended up eating. Life was going from one appointment to another, caring for her, and dealing with the reality that she was dying. I didn't have to eat poorly. I should have made more of a effort to eat right, I needed all my energy to get through each day. I was her primary care giver, and I look back, and I regret that I couldn't give her more.
2b. The stress and release and guilt and grief of her passing was another hump to get over. Meetings at other family members homes to plan the funeral, the disposition of her many personal items after the funeral, involved potluck and lots of food. The funeral itself, with the snacks provided before the services and meal after.
3. We had to move, again. It wasn't bad, just to another unit in the complex, and one my parents are buying from our landlord. It was still stressful. The unit we were moving to had not been cleaned by the former tenants, and we agreed to clean it for a break in the rent we would pay while the purchase was being processed. They were pigs and left the place filthy. It took us 10 days to complete the move and all the cleaning. Because of the heavy work, and the fact that I hadn't been exercising, I strained my back.
Well, life keeps going on, and I am sure that there will be another crisis that will give me an excuse not to exercise and eat right. Oh, yeah, neck surgery in four days. Hey, I can't take the effort, 'cause you know SURGERY! Time to stop bullsh***ing myself. Sorry if I offend, but I need to make a point with myself. I know I am not the only one in my family to have My auntie's illness and passing effect their diet and health. Dad gained 20 pounds in the two months we had Auntie in our home, his blood pressure was all over the place, and we worried that it would speed up the progression of his Chronic Kidney Disease. Mom also gained weight and with her Diabetes, that was a real concern. Her A1c levels were up, and her doctor had to adjust her oral medications twice. I may still have been facing surgery if I was doing what I should to live a healthy life. I have a bulging disc that is putting pressure on a nerve in my arm, and according to the what the doctor saw on the MRI, it is a degenerative process. But, I might not be facing it NOW if I were living healthier. My diet is very low in nutrients and I don't have the core strength I had a year ago when I won the contest. My patients have been heavy, not just in weight, but in the amount I have to do for them. My back has been acting up, and I may have aggravated my neck by not being in good physical shape. So, I will be completely off work for three weeks. I am going to use that time to really focus on my diet. I will ask the doctor about mild exercise, such as walking, but diet will be where I am going to concentrate. And not just for me. I went with my Mom to the doctor on Wednesday. It was supposed to be for insulin teaching. My mother Has been a Diagnosed Type 2 Diabetic for about 7 years now. She has been using oral medications to help control her blood sugar, and thought she was doing fine. When we moved last September, she changed doctors. She had to change any way, her doctor was leaving the HMO organization my mom used, so she switched to the clinic closer to where we are now. Her new doctor is great, and really aggressive about getting diabetics to control there blood sugar levels. So, it turns out, mom was told her diabetes was not in good control. The weight gain definitely did not help. The next step was insulin. My mom is terrified of needles. She doesn't faint, but it is close. I went with her to learn insulin administration, because in reality, I would probably be the one giving her most of her injections. My Mom has managed to loose some of the weight gained while we were caring for my Auntie, and it made enough of a difference in her last A1c, that doctor decided not to start insulin. But, doctor warned mom that if she doesn't loose about 20 pounds, insulin will be back on the table.
So my next goal is a twofer: Get my diet under control, and help my mom get her diet under control. I am going to help her set up her own Spark People account, and we are going to work on this together. It's time she uses this computer for more than playing games. I am hoping that with the visuals of the charts and tracking, she'll be able to keep track better. Using that with more frequent blood sugar monitoring, I hope she'll finally begin to really SEE the effect of her diet on her sugar levels.
We will succeed! We have to, because it will take both of to tackle Dad. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand all to well the frustration you are feeling...we are very simular...go to my page and read about me.
    I am my own worst enemy...however I am learning to set realistic goals to help me make less fumbles...for instance I take it one pound at a time now...I do not say to myself "I am going to lose 5 pounds this week...instead I say I am going to eat right and expect to lose something when I weigh in...then if I dont lose anything I re-examine what I've been eating (I keep a food journal and track my food here now that I'm back).
    For me its been a long slow journey and I am still making progress at a snails pace...but I am developing life changing habits along the way that will work to the benefit of my maintaining the weight loss...so in the long run I am better off.
    I do feel that we're both in the right place...this is the greatest place for motivation and encouragement to be found anywhere! I love sparkPeople and wish I had never left it a year ago...but thank God I decided to come back...
    Be encouraged...your among friends who understand...and you're right...together we can make it!
    Stop by my page, leave a comment, send me a message...I've added you to my friends list...hopefully we can keep each other on task.
    Best od luck and God bless,
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3198 days ago
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