Still Here, Still Struggling

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hello my fellow Sparkers,
I've stayed off the boards for a while now, because I am struggling to the point where I haven't felt I'd be a good contributor.

I've been on here since January, and have gained 5 pounds. That's right, gained. I've dabbled with lots of exercise, less exercise, lots of tracking, less tracking, paying attention to internal cues, trying not to binge at night, etc.

Problem is, with all of those efforts, my weight has pushed up from an all time high to an all time higher.

I'll be at a good 1500 calories, and then DS will have an hour long meltdown, there'll be tension between DH and me, other DS will retreat to his room, and I'll lose all resolve and eat not only any calorie reserve I had, but also cover the amount I exercised that day. And slowly but surely, the weight has gone up, up, up. I cannot express how disillusioned I am.

Plus, I am a nutrition teacher, so I know what there is to know. One thing I know for sure is it's not about the food. If it were only about knowing what foods to eat, there'd be one book out on it and we'd all be at goal. But Monday I have to stand up in front of my classes, a whole 10 lbs heavier than this time last year. And I have a colleague who is the non-diet guru, and there's some complicated stuff there.... I digress...

So there it is. I'm so disillusioned. I've had so many hopeful starts, so many almost successes... so many revelations (that I think at the time are "the key" that I was missing).

Plus, many of you know, I'm at dieting rock bottom. I can't diet anymore. It's not that I won't, it's that I just don't have it in me. I've been dieting since I was six.

I need help, but I don't even know what help to ask for. I'm embarrassed and bummed. i feel like all the sparkers have passed me by and I'm choking on their dust. And my shift button on here stinks so I keep having to go back over my i's and make them I's. :)

The same colleague is waiting for me to see the light and become Christian... just to make the dynamic even more interesting. I'm sure she feels that would fix me. But I seem to have the wrong temporal lobe for that.

I will say that I've been working hard to embrace my rounder body, even buying a bikini, yes a bikini, and wearing it to the public pool and even to a pool party. I'm frustrated with my body, but I need to give it the love and respect it deserves. I also need to walk the talk and believe that my body is beautiful, that I'm beautiful, as I go through this. It's a challenge, though.

I'm now 5'7" and 158 lbs. My "normal" weight is 142 to 145. When I started Spark I was 153 and just wanted to get down to 146.

Maybe it's a midlife crisis; I feel like crying most days, and some days I truly melt down. I have had a tough time in my marriage this year (nothing abusive, just trouble connecting), some tough times with the kids, furloughs out here in the state of California, etc. I somehow feel like the loss of control over my own body is the icing on the "I'm inadequate" cake.

This gal who's waiting for me to see the light of Christianity also feels my attempts to control my weight are a form of idolotry, or worshiping false idols. She likens it to spending thousands of dollars on shoes. That really ticked me off, to say the least. She, of course, is about 5'4" and 110 lbs, and has never had a day of weight struggle her whole life. Sadly, this is someone who had been a pretty close friend for a while there, and that is beginning to fizzle big time.

Thanks for listening. I wish I really believed in God (I'm agnostic), so I wouldn't feel like a hypocrite praying for some kind of guidance here. But it took me 35 years to admit how I really feel about all that, and I won't live the lie anymore.

Sigh, thanks for listening. I miss you guys, and I'm sorry I can't be a more positive, contributing Spark member.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi Deb - I was wondering how you were doing. I hadn't heard from you in awhile. I know you've had some great responses to your blog but I'm going to put in my two cents worth too.
    First, I'm a Christian and I think your friend is out of line. What we do or don't do with God's guidance and help, in my opinion is personal, unless we choose to share or ask for advice faith cannot be forced on anyone.
    I wonder if the stressers in your life need to be dealt differently. I agree with EWESTCOTT. I've also benefitted from counseling. Sometimes we just need to hear ourselves talk, sometimes we need to know that what we're thinking isn't crazy, and sometimes we need help mapping a plan. It's all okay.
    I'm sure, going back to work this week will be difficult at first, but hold your head up high, put yourself in the kids' places and know that they're not thinking about how you look at all. They're most likely thinking about themselves and whether they look cool or not.
    I'm here for you....always. Here's some cyber hugs for you: emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3226 days ago
    Thanks so much you guys. You're amazing.

    I wanted to clarify one thing -- my Christian friend doesn't make me feel like my weight issues are associated with a lack of faith in God; she feels that WANTING to lose weight is a form of idolotry (sp), and thus makes one -- ahem -- shallow. That's what bugged me about that... that I somehow one more thing to "feel bad" about (but I don't). I think it's okay to want to be back in my slimmer body. And I have a relitively small frame (wide hips and shoulders, but small bones, if that makes any sense). So when I'm this heavy I feel thick and slow.

    You are wonderful, and I already feel so much better from the cyber love you've all been showering me with. Additionally, a couple of the things that have been hanging over me have improved, and I had a big meltdown cry with DH that also made a huge difference.

    Elizabeth, thank you for the advice. I was thinking the same thing the day I wrote this blog, that maybe it's time for a little tune-up.

    Meanwhile, after having the long talk with DH, I've been prioritizing the things I need to accomplish, including self care time, ie. exercise.

    So you know, two steps forward...

    I love you guys. You are the best, and I feel so amazing that you guys pick me up no matter how many times I face-plant in the dirt.

    3226 days ago
    Hi my Spark Friend! Sorry to hear you are struggling. I'm not exactly at the top of my game right now, don't even own a scale at this point, so not sure of the damage I've done in the last few months, but my clothes are letting me know.

    Maybe we can figure out something we can accomplish together, but I'm not sure what. Will Spark mail you in just a bit... emoticon
    3226 days ago
    I was going to send you a sparkgoodie with a long msg but since you put your heart and soul right out here in this blog for all to see, I will respond in kind.
    You need to take some deep breaths and find some other ways to deal with your stress.
    Life is full of it!
    First of all, you are not even in the overweight range for your BMI, are you? Not to say you shouldn't want to lose weight- that is totally your life decision to make. But please do not allow a thin coworker (and some kind of Jesus nut) to make you feel even one iota badly about your cute little self. I know it's tough being in front of a classroom, too- I did that for 28 yrs- including 10 in jr high.
    Have you ever been to counseling?
    I cannot say enough good things about having a good therapist to listen to you and help you see things from a whole different point of view. I would not be the happy, confident person I am today (if I do say so myself!) were it not for the several different wonderful therapists I have had the privilege of spilling my guts to over the last 30 years or so, off and on, of course, including individual, family and marital counseling. We will be celebrating out 41st anniversary this week, and we were teenagers when we got married. When is the last time you got to talk about yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your fears for one hour to someone who listens, doesn't interrupt and doesn't judge? It is heaven!
    Take care of yourself, my friend.
    span> emoticon

    3227 days ago
    I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling! Maybe getting back to work is what you need to take your mind off the other stuff. I have been having my personal ups and downs and have continued to gain and lose the same five pounds month after month. I had such pain in my knee, I quit running for the whole summer and that had an impact on my weight. I can only tell you that you have to start feeling good about yourself to make any progress. Before my divorce, I gained thirty pounds. My husband was always insulting me and I felt about as low as a person could feel and still be walking around. I finally filed for divorce and immediately started feeling better. I'm not saying that is the answer for everyone. You need to look at your life and see what changes you can make to break the cycle. You are a beautiful person, physically and mentally. Maybe when you stop thinking about your weight you will find your niche. I am starting to think maybe this is the weight I am going to be too. I'm not going to worry about it. I just want to stay healthy and part of that is getting exercise. I don't want to let arthritis be an excuse for me to hang up my running shoes. I am slowly getting back to jogging/walking and if my weight doesn't change, so be it. I would like to weigh less, but as long as I have my health, that is priceless. I've missed talking to you. I'm glad you are still here and still blogging. That in itself is a positive step. Cynthia emoticon
    3228 days ago
    Wow, Faye, thank you. I do need more faith in myself. Thank you.
    3229 days ago
    I am, agnostic, as well. I would never relate my weight to my belief (or lack of belief) in any religious figure. And if someone were to tell me that my weight had anything to do with my faith in a God, I would probably laugh in their face.

    I am not in any way, in a position to tell you how you should feel about your weight gain or the trouble you are having in your personal life. But I wanted to tell you that your post touched my heart & I feel for you!

    I also eat when I'm stressed and can tell you that there will always be stress in your life....obviously, some times more stressful than others. Do you feel so bad because of negative things people tell you? Or is it just you, beating yourself up? Would it be beneficial to eat healthier & exercise without looking at the scale? I know that even though the scale may not budge, I can tell the difference in how I feel about myself when I take the time for myself to workout. Just things to think about.

    Again, I'm no expert but I believe that you ARE being a "good contributor" by posting the difficulties you are having with you weight. YES, it is inspirational to read all the positive success stories & it's great to read postings where people are so upbeat & positive. But I find that I can relate to postings like yours, where I know that someone thousands of miles away from me, has the exact same ups & downs as I do.

    I hope you don't give up. I may not have faith in a "God" perse, but I have faith in myself and I suppose that is the greatest step I have taken.

    3229 days ago
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