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Grmph! Angry rant...move along, nothing to see here...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

It has been 10 days since I came back from the UK and I so desperately want things the way they were...finding it easy to eat healthy and exercise, feeling almsot positive about the future, believing that the scales will reflect my efforts.

Since coming back I have struggled with every aspect of my my new 'plan' (including the self inflicted lack of car which means it is super difficult to do a healthy shopping...what with the shops being over 2 km away and the 17% hill to climb on the way BACK), and the karmic postman seems to take pleasure in adding to it, by sending my way yet more rejection letters with regards to jobs. I know it could be a lot worse, as I have (thanks to BF) a roof over my head and food on my plate. But I have had no money coming in for the past 18 months, my savings have melted and I don't know what I would do if something happened.
I am angry that the local authorities will not help me make a valuable contribution because I do not speak good enough German, because I am not Swiss, because I came here to be with my partner, without a job.
I am angry because the weight is not moving (in fact it even decided to go up 1lb), and because I know that even when I have lost another 10 kg I will still be 'obese'.
I am angry because I seem to have lost most of my friends, because unlike them I do not spend all my time on facebook, and because I don't have the money to join them on all the weekends, the holidays, the visiting each other in foreign countries, and because they know it, yet only one (who is broke too) has come to see me. I know, sounds like there were not my friends all that much really...but I wish them all well, in their little smug bubbles of soon to be married bliss...they deserve it.
I am at a loss as to what to do about all of it, and I have spent the last 3 days in tears because every time I take a step forward the Universe moves the goalposts by 4 or 5 steps further away. I feel like I apparently don't deserve anything good, happy or positive...

I feel useless, and upset that the positive change I have implemented in the past 2 months have no impact on my job prospects, and that sadly the job issue affects everything else. Money does no buy happiness...but it sure sweetens daily life!

I had a Skype conversation with one of my oldest friends yesterday, and her main worry is that in her next sunny holiday on the beach, when she bends down to pick up her adorable little girl, her nearly flat stomach may curl and form a small roll of that sounds like the kind of worry I could definitely handle...the last sunny holiday for me was over 2 years ago...

So very sorry for the rant, but today, after having to reboot my PC 15 times because it keeps crashing, I have had ENOUGH!!!!!!!!

As for the fellow sparker whose reward for losing 'some' weight was a CORVETTE, please spare a thought for those of us who can't even afford to plan a reward for getting to goal...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo MAVERICK777
    hey im so sympathetic, i just returned from Europe in dept and it took me a while to get work so just remember that all good things come to those who wait, be patient as this in the long run will be just a memory that you can look back on and say you have learnt something

    Be cool
    4003 days ago
    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can't plan any rewards either, and get tired of never making ends meet- and I do have a job. You will get through it. Take care, chin up. emoticon
    4013 days ago
    Oh no, darling, how have I missed you feeling so sad - I still have not found a way to notice those blogs (must make a mental note). You well deserve good things to happen to you. You are worthy. Bad things happen to good people and friends - may I dare say you've got some new ones to fill in for the blissful old. I so hope that by now your mood's up again and you have overcome the blues of coming back to the normal routine. It is difficult (and sometimes hormones just add stuff our way when we don't need it).
    For now, I suggest you count your blessings and thank God for BF. I am sure that soon you'll let us know about this great new job (by then just learn that German it is not the most difficult; you've already learned French the most difficult language in the world if I'm asked and English.
    Love you and hope you do feel better.
    4015 days ago
    Can you imagine if jobs in the States required people to know more than one language? HA! I guess I know well that there are some jobs in healthcare that would probably only hire bilingual people (receptionist in a community health center with a largely Spanish speaking population) but I don't think they would flat out reject applications from unilingual people.

    Your rant probably wasn't meant to inspire another rant about how anglocentric the US is and how we should all be taught additional languages from a young age like EVERYWHERE ELSE in the world. Sorry.

    Really, you're doing great. Rant away and start afresh.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4018 days ago
    PS: It looks to me like you have plenty of Spark friends!! emoticon
    4018 days ago
    I'm so sorry....sometimes life just seems to pile it on.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    What's that serenity prayer? Give me serenity to accept the things I can't change, strength to change the things I can change, and wisdom to know the difference.

    Of course there is the alternative one: Give me patience because if you give me strength, somebody's gonna get hurt! emoticon

    But you know what....I know from your posts that you have all the strength you need. Just sending good thoughts to help you summon it for the challenges right now.
    4018 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2260868
    let it out! let it out!!
    it's great that you're getting out there, let yourself freak out a bit. the dust will settle and you'll be back on your game! :)
    being broke sucks! no, it doesn't buy us happiness but you could buy all the groceries on the diet list, log into sparkpeople, buy some new jeans as motivation, get a mini spa day as a reward and way to get out of the house and pamper yourself...
    i hear you, friend. you'll get through this!!
    michelle emoticon
    4018 days ago
    I'm sorry things aren't going right; sometimes it helps me to counter every crummy thing going on in my life with something that's good. And it sounds like there's good things to be found in your world. Things will turn around, I know it!!

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    4019 days ago
    Hi hon, have a hug!

    Sure you're friends all still love you they may just be in a different space/place at the moment. Unfortunately that is the way it pans out sometimes. Another time when you're up, they might well be down. Yin and Yang.

    Things aren't as great as you want and the universe may well seem to be conspiring with the karmic postman BUT you're still way better off than you were a couple of months, not to mention, kgs ago. So reign in those uncompromising perfectionist tendancies and cut yourself a bit of slack.

    Don't forget you've found your gorgeous cheekbones again - that is worth a lot now isn't it AND what's a lb anyway? If someone else had said that... you'd have laughed it off as a glass of water on a bad day!! Stop being so hard on yourself - you're only human.

    The job scenario I admit isn't brilliant - as a freelancer with an ad hoc income I know - but I keep telling myself that actually, at this point in time, it actually isn't personal but global.

    Your time will come again.

    4019 days ago
    Just sending you some positive vibes and a big hug. I sure know where you're coming from! But, life goes in cycles. Ups and downs. Soon, things will turn your way...It is pure science....


    Take care and keep exercising! It is a natural drug...
    4019 days ago
  • KIM122278
    Aw. I really hate to hear that you're having such a hard time right now. While you may apologize for the "rant," I always find it healthier to get things off of your chest and out. I think it's a great way to clear out some things instead of holding on to them and letting them eat away at you.

    I do know one thing for SURE,though. You DEFINITELY DESERVE to be happy, have good and positive things in your life!!! You are a BEAUTIFUL person inside and out, and YOU ARE WORTH IT! emoticon emoticon
    4019 days ago
  • KARVY09
    I'm sorry you're having a rough week, hun!

    I've been there, coming out of school, I thought I'd have the best job, and still making my own way with contract work and sporadic clients. It must be difficult in a multilingual nationalistic country, trying to find work. I also have friends with unlimited stores of money and great jobs, but they are always finding a reason to complain too. One person's annoyance is another person's hardship, I always say.

    But for every tough time, there's going to be a good one too, and you are definitely due for some good times!

    Just remember how good you feel on this journey, and keep the faith that you will NOT be unemployed forever. Have confidence, and good things will follow!
    4019 days ago
    *hugs* Just remember, it's not "all or nothing," no matter how bad things seem. You need to be good to yourself first and foremost. You're a smart gal and good things will come your way. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are worthy of success AND you know what it takes to get it.

    If we lived a bit closer, I'd walk to the store with you!
    4019 days ago
    You really have a lot on your mind and a lot to be down about. I'm sure the last thing you want to hear are things like: "look a the positive", "you have your health", "tomorrow is a new day", "be greatful for what you do have". BUT it is all true. Something great is just around the corner for you. You'll see, just be patient. Just concentrate on you and what you are doing and forget about your "friends" and their lives. They have problems too they just might not share them with you. Take care of you and I hope you have your sunny holiday soon.
    4019 days ago
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    4019 days ago
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