GRYPHYNSMAMA

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An Open Letter to My Dogs

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Sunday, August 09, 2009

Dear Pups,

You guys know I love you but there are a few things we need to address. Some of them will be hard to hear but its best that we clear the air. Even as I write this I know I'm going to have to read it to you all, because you're illiterate, the first of many "issues" that I'm certain will remain unresolved. It's better if I get this off my chest uninterrupted by your bright eyes and wagging tails because admittedly you're awfully cute and distracting.

Indy: My darling chihuahua, my oldest baby - You're fat. Yes I dropped the F-bomb, but it's true. I know that it's my fault but you just eat too much; it's intervention time. From now on, when Blank and Leo are eating you're just going to have to be crated and no amount of my favorite trick, the hula dance, will result in your freedom. Your walks will be increased and your food intake monitored like the methadone counts at a rehab clinic. Also please stop laying along the back of the couch and finding the sunny spots on the floor; it confuses the other dogs. And yes, by the way you are a dog too. Sorry, but after 7 years it's time you were told.

Blank: Honey, I say this with love, but you need therapy. I know you were abandoned by your previous people at the shelter for "financial reasons" and it's perfectly terrible that you had to deal with this separation. I understand this, I really do, but it's time to buck up. Its been 2 years now. You must admit, it's pretty good here. You have a freaking couch of your very own! You get a spa day once a month and you get some seriously pricey chow. You seem to like it here a lot, but it's hard to tell; you're so stoic in your Great Dane way. You absolutely MUST stop freaking out when I leave the house everyday. Really. I come home EVERY FREAKING DAY at the SAME TIME. The obsessive love just isn't good for our relationship. You're too clingy and at 110 pounds, you're not a lap dog, ok sweety? I love you but no you can't sit on me. Ever. I hope we're clear.

Leo: My most lovable baby dog, at only 5 months old, I'm really hoping you'll outgrow a few of the traits you seem to have developed. Are the other dogs teaching you things at night when I'm asleep that you know I wouldn't approve of? If so, just tell me now and no one will get in trouble I promise. Just so you know, I'm gonna talk to Indy alone after this and you know he'll break for just one piece of chicken... Your barking is too loud and frankly, I think it's scaring the neighborhood children, you sound like a hell hound. You just have no future in public speaking, ok there I've said it. So now you know why the stinky spray thing happens whenever you bark. And pay attention now, no stop chasing the imaginary bugs you see... FOCUS! You're lazy. Really the laziest puppy I've ever encountered. For real. We did a 2 mile walk today and you could barely keep up! Come on, you're 24 inches tall, you're all leg - what's up with the "I need a rest now" business? Please work on this.

Ok guys, I hope you'll all take what I've said and really internalize it. I'm sure it was hard to hear, but I think we'll all be better for it.

Love,
Mama

ps You all shed too much.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • HIDDENBELLA
    Loved this blog.
    3882 days ago
  • JENANDCIA
    This was truly cute GREAT JOB!!!!
    3910 days ago
  • JENANDCIA
    This was truly cute GREAT JOB!!!!
    3910 days ago
  • SPIKE2DAY
    Great blog. Loved it. Thanks for the smile.
    3911 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5691516
    Ha ha! This is great. Maybe I should do one for my cat. He thinks he is people too. emoticon
    3912 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5691516
    Ha ha! This is great. Maybe I should do one for my cat. He thinks he is people too. emoticon
    3912 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5691516
    Ha ha! This is great. Maybe I should do one for my cat. He thinks he is people too. emoticon
    3912 days ago
  • CORYWITT
    I love it! ...especially since I have two Great danes!
    3914 days ago
  • PCOUSINS13
    Love it!!
    3916 days ago
  • CAMILLE-LEON
    hahaha this is the best blog I have read on SP. thanks so much for writing it!

    emoticon
    3942 days ago
  • KIERA09
    hahaha. Awesome.

    Oh my two boys need to hear all that!
    3943 days ago
  • PATSDIARY
    This was tooo funny! I have a small dog, and she does really think she's not "one of them". Thanks for sharing some joy!

    3944 days ago
  • GLDNLVR
    Loved this ;-)
    3944 days ago
  • RAYLYONADIET
    Thanks for the laughs this morning. I wish I could write a blog this good.
    3944 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5524133
    Love it!!! Still laughing...the people in the office next to me think I have finally lost my mind.

    As another fur-mama...I can totally relate. My cairn terrier, Sadi, insists that she is in fact a human. Perhaps I should disabuse her of that notion in a letter.

    emoticon
    3945 days ago
  • ATTACCA
    Great blog entry! This was truthful, creative, done with a sense of humor! Loved it!
    3945 days ago
  • DNDUPREE
    bahahahahahaha Oh man hahahaha I needed that :D

    Indy, Auntie D here - you are a fattie and it's time to drop the weight! You can do it little one!!!

    I love those dogs :) Hope like h3ll Leo has stopped trying to shorten everyone's toes :S
    3945 days ago
  • BIGOLEDIVA
    LOVED THIS!!!! But I have to admit- if I ever told my little girl that she was a dog...she would seriously never get over it. EVERYONE knows shes a spoiled rotten 3 pound human 3 year old!(actually she's 6 but she still acts 3) And waaaay too cute to ever want her to be any other way! She has a bed in every room...and gets home cooked meals. She even has a wardrobe to equal mine! LOL... But if you're ever in San Fran...could you have a talk with her about the barking whenever anyone comes to the door...or when the pizza hut commercials come on(doorbells set her off too) ? I know she'll listen to you much better then me. ( wink wink) Again..love this blog too funny!
    3945 days ago
  • THORNBIRD1
    Hilarious... any pet owner completely understands!
    3945 days ago
  • OLAHIWA
    OMG this sounds vaguely like a conversation I would have to have with my girls... you are pricelessly funny!
    3945 days ago
  • NIMKI0
    This cracked me up......very cute!
    3945 days ago
  • HIPPIEFREAK66
    i love the part about the giant lap dog. i got one of those!
    3945 days ago
  • JLPNURSE
    LOL
    3945 days ago
  • MUSIC66
    my dogs are well behaved exept when the maltisse x cavialer bark to much then he gets introuble
    3945 days ago
  • JHADZHIA
    Loved this :) Our Bendix is a pretty good dog, except when he tries to go through the window to chase any fur-bearing creature walking by. He sheds copious amounts of his triple layer coat year round, but especially after a 'chase' episode. Not only do we have regular rabbit visitors, the odd fox, and chipmunks, we have too many cats coming around. Now, I would be all for letting Bendix chase these cats away, who needs the flower beds dug up, the smelly urine and the yowling under the window at night, but alas, Mom likes to get along with her neighbours, so poor Bendix can only dream of the could have been chases...
    emoticon Rule!
    3945 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5078271
    emoticon I sat my "little" monsters down and explained to them that if they do not straighten up I will aslo have to write them a public letter addressing their less than desirable behaviors....their reactions were varied: Spam, the pit bull, burped; Fred, the rottie, rolled onto his back and showed off his hoohoo; Barney, the boxer/pitbull mix, stuck his bottom lip out even further than it normally is; and Faith, my Lab and only female, let out a trucker fart. I'm thinking a letter won't help. emoticon
    3946 days ago
  • MARCOMAMA
    I've found that letters to the pups get faster results than letters to the kids or the hubby! Thanks for the laugh! All dog lovers can identify!
    3946 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/9/2009 11:01:54 PM
  • TICKIELIZZIE
    This is hilarious and so true! I watch my Penny's weight like a stage mother. However, she seems to think that she is much bigger that 9.5 pounds. She also thinks she is the princess. Penny does recognise that I am the queen, but would like to have some ladies in waiting to wait on her. Thank you for a good chuckle. good luck with your puppies and the changes you want! Lizzie
    3946 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3921208
    That is sooo adorable. I tend to talk to my dogs all the time, but I haven't considered writing them a letter. What a good idea! Thanks for making me smile.
    3946 days ago
  • WINKERDINK
    Thank you for this! As I wipe my eyes, I'm hoping that they all know this is coming from your love for them and they will try their best to learn.

    Too cute!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3946 days ago
  • NANNER2121
    emoticon
    3946 days ago
  • SWEETCFO
    I loved this letter. Thanks for sharing. I've got 2 shepherds and a pom so I know all about shedding and fighting for food. Plus mine love to tear up the house. We are afraid to leave and invite people over once we've left without having an opportunity to do the flight of the bumble bee. That means, cleaning up the trash cans they love to empty onto the floor. But our lives are so much better with them all in it, don't you think? Your letter made me laugh. Thanks !!
    3946 days ago
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