An Open Letter to My Dogs
Sunday, August 09, 2009
You guys know I love you but there are a few things we need to address. Some of them will be hard to hear but its best that we clear the air. Even as I write this I know I'm going to have to read it to you all, because you're illiterate, the first of many "issues" that I'm certain will remain unresolved. It's better if I get this off my chest uninterrupted by your bright eyes and wagging tails because admittedly you're awfully cute and distracting.
Indy: My darling chihuahua, my oldest baby - You're fat. Yes I dropped the F-bomb, but it's true. I know that it's my fault but you just eat too much; it's intervention time. From now on, when Blank and Leo are eating you're just going to have to be crated and no amount of my favorite trick, the hula dance, will result in your freedom. Your walks will be increased and your food intake monitored like the methadone counts at a rehab clinic. Also please stop laying along the back of the couch and finding the sunny spots on the floor; it confuses the other dogs. And yes, by the way you are a dog too. Sorry, but after 7 years it's time you were told.
Blank: Honey, I say this with love, but you need therapy. I know you were abandoned by your previous people at the shelter for "financial reasons" and it's perfectly terrible that you had to deal with this separation. I understand this, I really do, but it's time to buck up. Its been 2 years now. You must admit, it's pretty good here. You have a freaking couch of your very own! You get a spa day once a month and you get some seriously pricey chow. You seem to like it here a lot, but it's hard to tell; you're so stoic in your Great Dane way. You absolutely MUST stop freaking out when I leave the house everyday. Really. I come home EVERY FREAKING DAY at the SAME TIME. The obsessive love just isn't good for our relationship. You're too clingy and at 110 pounds, you're not a lap dog, ok sweety? I love you but no you can't sit on me. Ever. I hope we're clear.
Leo: My most lovable baby dog, at only 5 months old, I'm really hoping you'll outgrow a few of the traits you seem to have developed. Are the other dogs teaching you things at night when I'm asleep that you know I wouldn't approve of? If so, just tell me now and no one will get in trouble I promise. Just so you know, I'm gonna talk to Indy alone after this and you know he'll break for just one piece of chicken... Your barking is too loud and frankly, I think it's scaring the neighborhood children, you sound like a hell hound. You just have no future in public speaking, ok there I've said it. So now you know why the stinky spray thing happens whenever you bark. And pay attention now, no stop chasing the imaginary bugs you see... FOCUS! You're lazy. Really the laziest puppy I've ever encountered. For real. We did a 2 mile walk today and you could barely keep up! Come on, you're 24 inches tall, you're all leg - what's up with the "I need a rest now" business? Please work on this.
Ok guys, I hope you'll all take what I've said and really internalize it. I'm sure it was hard to hear, but I think we'll all be better for it.
ps You all shed too much.