HUGE food break-through
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Today inadvertently became a cheat day. I've been struggling a bit since being sick... craving all sorts of stuff I gave into when I wasn't feeling well. I decided I needed a mental break from the pressure. So, this morning I got up and made pancakes for me and my husband. They were great and really worth it! Went to run errands on the base for a few hours before evening church and went to the coffee shop and got a latte. So good! Grabbed a Payday while we were shopping... figured no dinner for a bit and I haven't had one in a loooong time. Ah, lovely. Went to out to dinner for Mexican. Yes, in Germany. No, it's not really Mexican but let the LA girl pretend. And they had Bohemia beer (one of my favorites from runs to Baja). We have chips and salsa. I get a beer. I order fish tacos. I get beans and rice and guacamole. The company is good. We're talking, laughing, having a great time while we munch away.
And then IT HAPPENED. Somewhere, in the middle of the great time, I was full. And I stopped. Without thinking about it. I had a taco, a little bit of beans, some of the rice, a decent portion of guacamole. And I was done. Leaving more food on the plate than I ate.
Now, to some that may seem small. To me, this is HUGE. I have spent my entire life obsessing about the food I was eating or not eating. Many times I have had the thought that this will NEVER end. Even if I lose the weight, I will still struggle every step of the way for the rest of my life. That there will always be emotion with every food decision: pride when I make a good choice, guilt when I give in, shame when I overeat, anger when I choose the proper portion size, empowered when I make it through a day, helpless when I can't control myself. Even when I have given myself 'cheat' days in the past, those feelings have always been present. Everything around food has always been hyper-aware. Today, I got to experience what I thought was unattainable. I made a subconscious choice to stop eating. No guilt. No pride. No shame. It's pretty cool.