Changing my attitude…week #4 healing challenge

Thursday, August 06, 2009

After I was laid off in March I felt that I was no longer contributing. Even though my husband tried to convince me that he was happy that his dinner was ready when he came home from work and that I was working in our gardens and pursuing my artistic career I could feel the growing stress of the economy and our financial responsibilities.

This was not just about finding a job in a bad economy or contributing financially in our family, it was also about finding my inner voice, learning to listen to it and to silence my critical voice.
A voice that would attack me with ‘you are so weak, you cannot cope, run away, you will not be able to keep this up, you will make a fool of yourself, you should be ashamed, scared or it won’t last why bother!
Many times I have listened and gave in to this voice, a decision that led to binging, starving and/or depression and other self-destructive behavior.

Past weeks I realized that this voice might be really my past critics bullying me into victim submission or my past experiences to protect me against future pain. Whatever its intention it was not serving my well being any longer. It made me feel powerless and feel stuck.

The price would be to let go of excuses that could keep me safe in my comfort zone and learning to cope with setbacks and challenges in a way that would be scary but enrich my life, not limit it with unhealthy food or by withdrawing etc!

Finding this new job last week, that comes with many difficult responsibilities; my critical voice was ready to discourage me, making me feel incapable, fearful and insecure.
However this time I stood up for myself for my marriage and for everything I believe in. Whenever a thought came in my mind that made me scared or doubt I would say: ‘shut up! I don’t need your help or down talk’. For the very first time my head was clear and calm until a new wave of thoughts would attack me -this time more viciously. Again I would hold my ground and just say sternly: ‘ shut up! Leave me alone. I want to learn this on my own, step by step, moment by moment’.
Again silence, serenity, inner peace…my courage growing…The periods of these moments of inner peace were growing and the feelings of anxiety decreasing.

For the very first time I didn’t feel powerless but strong, curious instead of overly cautious or frightened. I was ready to take on the challenge and for the setbacks that come with it.

These past 7 days were more than just finding a job, an extra income. It was about finding my strength and courage.

Find yourself. Stand up for yourself! Don’t listen to the lies of past fears or future worries! You’re so much more!Today!And let your life unfold...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have been reading through your blog posts and you have a lot of wisdom and insight. Thanks for blogging!

    4266 days ago
    So, I'm a massage therapist, and needless to say, as the economy gets worse, my appointments are down. Add to that clients on vacation, school starting, and all the other end of summer things... my appointments are down more than usual. I can totally relate to the feeling like a loose appendage to my husband.. I make sure dinner is made and the house is clean, and he is wonderful about it and says to "go sit out on the deck and read", but I feel like I'm not contributing.
    I know when I start getting more appointments, I'll feel more like a contributor. In the meantime, I'm fighting the inner critic as well!
    I'm glad you found another job... I'm worried that I may have to find another career if things don't turn around!!! Congratulations to you!!!!
    4287 days ago

    4300 days ago
    Good for you! enjoyed your words of encouragement. I know I certainly understand. These are words to live by that you used, "Find yourself. Stand up for yourself! Don’t listen to the lies of past fears or future worries! You’re so much more!Today!And let your life unfold... "
    Thank you for sharing!
    4300 days ago
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