After I was laid off in March I felt that I was no longer contributing. Even though my husband tried to convince me that he was happy that his dinner was ready when he came home from work and that I was working in our gardens and pursuing my artistic career I could feel the growing stress of the economy and our financial responsibilities.
This was not just about finding a job in a bad economy or contributing financially in our family, it was also about finding my inner voice, learning to listen to it and to silence my critical voice.
A voice that would attack me with ‘you are so weak, you cannot cope, run away, you will not be able to keep this up, you will make a fool of yourself, you should be ashamed, scared or it won’t last why bother!
Many times I have listened and gave in to this voice, a decision that led to binging, starving and/or depression and other self-destructive behavior.
Past weeks I realized that this voice might be really my past critics bullying me into victim submission or my past experiences to protect me against future pain. Whatever its intention it was not serving my well being any longer. It made me feel powerless and feel stuck.
The price would be to let go of excuses that could keep me safe in my comfort zone and learning to cope with setbacks and challenges in a way that would be scary but enrich my life, not limit it with unhealthy food or by withdrawing etc!
Finding this new job last week, that comes with many difficult responsibilities; my critical voice was ready to discourage me, making me feel incapable, fearful and insecure.
However this time I stood up for myself for my marriage and for everything I believe in. Whenever a thought came in my mind that made me scared or doubt I would say: ‘shut up! I don’t need your help or down talk’. For the very first time my head was clear and calm until a new wave of thoughts would attack me -this time more viciously. Again I would hold my ground and just say sternly: ‘ shut up! Leave me alone. I want to learn this on my own, step by step, moment by moment’.
Again silence, serenity, inner peace…my courage growing…The periods of these moments of inner peace were growing and the feelings of anxiety decreasing.
For the very first time I didn’t feel powerless but strong, curious instead of overly cautious or frightened. I was ready to take on the challenge and for the setbacks that come with it.
These past 7 days were more than just finding a job, an extra income. It was about finding my strength and courage.
Find yourself. Stand up for yourself! Don’t listen to the lies of past fears or future worries! You’re so much more!Today!And let your life unfold...