Monday, August 03, 2009
Staying strong, we all have to work at this most of us to keep on a health course, but also in other areas of our life.
Right now I have to be strong with my sons, being a mother you try so hard to do what is right and even though you think that you have the strength to deal with problems and bumps as they get older its just gets tougher. You have to be strong and be like a good mama bird and get those chicks out of the nest and flapping on their own. When you make things too easy some times those chicks just get comfortable and its a big unknown world out there, home is a safe haven.
I love my sons and have had to fight for them for much of their life. They both came into this world with problems, health and later development. My oldest , Aaron, I had a C-section since the cord was around his neck, once born not once but 2 times, he was also late and had digestive problems for most of his first year. 2 1/2 years later my youngest, Josh, came into this world again c-section and he was in a hurry sucked in fluid and off to intensive care for most of a week. Developed asthma as an infant and that was a problem for his early years. After a car accident Josh was about 18 mths he developed speech problems that really came more noticeable in the next couple years. Both my sons have HADD, fought with schools. When Aaron my oldest was about to enter 4th grade, their dad had a massive heart attack, I was glad he made it, I had been a stay at home mom, but know had to go to work. It hurt the boys, mostly since I worked hard each day being a working mom, at home still had all the normal work to do, now ex was not involved and had no patience, and was not well either. After nearly 2o years and last ones with increasing verbal and some physical abuse, directed mostly at me, but influencing my dear babies, I had to be very strong and end the marriage. It was a scary time, but I was strong and made the best move for me and my sons. I still fought for them. But I was also very stressed since my heath from 2001 for the next 5 years was up and down, 2 hernia surgery and 1 hysterectomy, diabetes, cancer scare, severe anemia, reflux and well that's most of it. I was now a single parent on a single income, trying for the first time in over 20 years dealing with it all. I was better though no more negative influence, boys improved and I thought its all good. It was but I didn't mind the boys being there or with me, I knew I need to help them get ready and did work on it. Nearly 3 years about my darling Bob came into my life, more changes and some stresses, but his is a rock and I love him. We have worked to help the boys get ready for adult life. My youngest in college program to get mechanic certificate, he is nearing the end(right now with all the cuts in state budget classes are harder to get into) and Aaron had started to look for work just about the time the economy dumped. We set up a rent plan that just got them the idea of real life, they got driver license last year, but went back to getting too comfortable. It was the wrong course, and I will admit we were lazy didn't fight as we should have to make them keep moving. Now a year later and Friday, it came to a head, knew it was coming and I was very scared and could not face what was in front of me. Bob and I talked and yes the boys have been lazy and not been taking advantage of the good home base they had, instead they took advantage of my love and tenderness, I was not STRONG as I should have been. It came down to respect for Bob and I, they were not showing it, we agreed it had to stop. The result higher rent and they had to be out of the house M-F 8to5 lust like the average adult out working and in Jan the rent will go up again to mimic what they would pay if they weren't at home, still lower than the real world but high enough to make them have to work for it. Some adjustment are there to help keep Josh in school, but he has to come to us. Their dad still pays child support, I know its a little unreal that he does, but honestly not sure he thinks about it a lot ( he is much older than me, and is health is not the best these last couple years) and yes I let it continue or will until Josh is out of school. So they can ask to have that help them with the rent increases come Jan.
I have been sick of heart the last day, crying and frightened, I don't want them hurt, but that is where being STRONG comes is, we all have to stumble and maybe fall to learn how to stand on our own 2 feet, I want them to stand strong. I want them to succeed but I have been to soft and tried to cushion them too many times, and now have to have face the fact that I was not really helping them. I was not showing them the real love I had for them, I let my fears for what they had to face, stop me from showing them the right way. I was very wrong, and now have to correct my attitude and stand STRONG and really show my sons that I love them but will not let them just stagnate and not move. Its time for me to be as STRONG with them as I am with me and journeying to being a healthier me.
I wrote this post for me to see to understand and to deal with all my errors, well meant maybe, but errors not the less, to accept my part in the failure that happened to help them become strong adults. I know as parents there is only so much we can do and then it is up the our children to take what they have and make a life. I have often told them and myself, that we are given building block by out parents, some we can changes and some we can not, but we need to take those building blocks and make the best life out of them that we can, and to continue to grow. I have for a long time felt this is the only way to succeed as an adult, to not make excuses that we cant move forward due to this or that in our childhood or early adulthood, but to view those things as a challenge to make things better, to work hard to be the best person we can be, and to never stop that learning and growing process. It never ends, I believe that if we stop learning and growing then we will just exist and that is a waste of life. I know in my life there was a time a I just existed and didn't feel alive or enjoy life. I had to find something long buried and protected, that spark of life, as my mom called it, that I had lost. I made a great effort of find out why I lost it and then to make sure it would not get lost again. And since 2001 I have fought to keep my spark of life alive and moving always forward.
Today is the beginning of another time to find and hold on to my STRONG love, to show that love to my sons in the right ways to help them and get them on their way to being the strong adults I honestly believe they can become. I must fight to stay the course to not fall back and show weak love. I have to be the strong mama bird and do what must be done for her chicks survival!!!!!
We all have the strength within us, just at times it is hidden. When we need it, it will be there we need to dig deep and trust ourselves. Once we find it hang on and use it and keep it, don't let it get lost.