Who says shopping is not an exercise?

Sunday, August 02, 2009

I guess it depends on your definition of shopping. I have two teenage daughters whom I have been grooming all their lives to make the family proud and carry on the torch of proper shopping responsibility. Shopping doesn't mean this on-line business. You should be doing that at the office like everyone else. Nor does it mean making a list of desired items and just going to a specific store for said item. That is an "errand." No, my friend, shopping is an "experience"... an event unparalleled by any other. The Seek and Destroy mission begins with a hearty breakfast in order to hold you until you can find your first Starbucks. Proper attire is required. Clothes need to be quickly removable for dressing room ease. Shoes should be comfortable, but if you find they become uncomfortable during the day, don't fret. Any negative can be turned into a positive. It just becomes another excuse to pick up a new pair of shoes. Have a vague notion of something you NEED to buy. This is so that you have a quick and ready response to any spousal (or other enemy) inquiries into why you are going shopping yet again. If you have children, it's always best to blame it on them. If no children are in the picture, it's somebody's birthday somewhere, isn't it? Pick the shopping zone in which you plan to deploy. Never use valet parking. Park a good way away from said target. The walk from the parking lot to the mall entrance is your "warm up." You don't need a cramp. It'll only slow you down and you may have to be left behind. We're not like the Marines, you know....we leave our sick and injured behind. (If you can make it to the package pickup dock at the end of the day, you may still stand a chance of getting a ride back home.) I've found the most efficient attack strategy is a comprehensive zone saturation. Start on the left side (studies show that most people move to the right when they enter a mall, so you will be working against slower traffic) and proceed floor by floor in a circular pattern. By noon, you should be at the midway point and not coincidentally (nothing is left to chance) you are at the Food Court in the center of the mall. While eating lunch, reconnoiter with your shopping mates. This is the time to display and compare purchases. Synchronize watches and commence assault on the other side of the mall. Time spent in a particular mall zone will depend on the store sales. If you sense within the first 30 minutes or so that the sales are not attractive enough, do not waste valuable shopping time. Fall back, cut and run, reassess and move to a different shopping venue. A worthwhile shopping experience usually extends from 9:00 am 9:00 pm (which coincidentally are the mall's service hours), or at least until dinner time if you're making a light day of it. You have children and can't do this you say? Ha...I scoff at that. Children make better shopping companions than adults because they follow orders without question. Give every team member a duty. For example, even a 3 year old in a stroller can look for red sale signs (and hold the clip board and receipt pouch). Older team members can work math calculations for 40% off of previously 50% reduced items and alert the squad leader when we are nearing credit limit maximums. Older children can also scout ahead in teams of two and text message their findings back to you. True, you do have to stop more often to rest when team members are younger children, but take heart. They are building stamina and muscle tone and soon they will be able to take their full and rightful part on a any respectable shopping mission. It's a proud moment for a parent, nay any American.'s getting late. The next mission begins in an hour. Must go rouse the troops, suit up and check the gear. I hear drums in the distance.......
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Could you do a round two for your shopping challenged friends? I think I'm missing the gene. There must be some remedial class I could join don't you think?
    4296 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/2/2009 1:08:38 PM
  • LLTS01
    You are an absolute hoot. This blog is priceless. I am afraid I am mostly an internet shopper. But who knows, now that I am losing weight, shopping is much more fun. I might have to join your ranks. Do you have a checklist?

    4296 days ago
    You crack me up! Yes, shopping is most certainly exercise.
    4296 days ago
    This is SO true!
    4296 days ago
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