I Need to Embark On a New Life Journey..........

Sunday, July 26, 2009

My life has been a mess lately. I've been through alot of upheaval & experiences that have left me in a very dark place and I cannot find my way out. These things have opened up alot of dark doors & made me question many things that I thought I had put to rest many years ago. I have not been this low in a very long time. It's made me realize that I have never really found peace & serenity within myself. It's made me question 'loving myself' - do I or don't I. I can't answer that right now. It's something I need to really look at & explore & find out why I am now questioning it. I need to start on a journey of good things & good thoughts & positive actions. I need to get off the negative train of dark thoughts & dark feelings.

Nothing brings me joy lately - not gardening, not reading, not walking, not photography. I do them but without any happiness. They used to bring me good feelings in many ways, relaxed me. They were things I enjoyed doing.

My dogs don't bring me the joy they should. I find myself being very short with them when I shouldn't be. I don't walk them everyday like I used to & this makes me angry at myself & sad for them. My sense of humor is shot - very little makes me laugh. I guess this is the face of depression & how it colors your whole life. But I feel this goes beyond my being depressed - I believe it has led me to question many other things.

I have lost so many people in the last 6mos. to death. Most of them were needless deaths, deaths that could have been avoided. I feel that they died before they should have because of their chosen lifestyles. On the other hand, I know that death's date is set at the moment we are born. It's all there on our individual life slates. The sunrise & the sunset. As much as I understand that, I still feel that they went too soon. None were currently in my life, but all were an important part of it in one way or another & at different times. They all meant very much too me in their own ways. I am having such a hard time accepting their deaths, esp. because they've come one after the other, all in a row, in a few short month's time.

Then one of my best friend's is diagnosed with a terminal illness. She makes 3 in my life who are now on the journey of ending their lives.

I need to find acceptance of all these things & I don't know how to do it. I need to stop concentrating on & thinking of how these deaths & illnesses have impacted my life in such a negative way & start searching for ways to make them ok.

Does anyone know how to do that?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Random person throwing in my 2cents... I was lucky enough to be untouched by death for a long time, but last year it came. My uncle, who was only 5 years older than me and whom I had grown up with like my own brother, died unexpectedly at the age of 30. He killed himself and left behind my two cousins 9 and 6 years old. I was stunned by how hard I took his death, because I spent most of my life angry at him for his stupid selfish choices and we never got along when he was alive. In order to come to terms with what he had done I had to come to terms with his own very real depression and see him in a more sympathetic light. His death was a turning point in my life because I was able to draw strength from the experience by deciding not to live my life the way he lived his. It made me determined never to claim helplessness when I could instead take action. My mission is to leave a different kind of legacy. He may have given us all a hard time when he was living, but he ultimately left me a precious gift that cannot be replaced.

    Your situation may be entirely different but I can certainly relate to watching people you love do self-destructive things or harm others. Ultimately it does take acceptance of their actions, but also a determination to choose differently. That's where the sense of helplessness transforms into a sense of personal responsibility and control.

    You do sound quite depressed. Don't be afraid to reach out for help if you feel you need it -- from friends, other loved ones or a professional. You might not FEEL loving toward yourself, but if you've ever been in a close relationship you know already that love is not a feeling, it's the action you take regardless of your feelings, out of a sense of loyalty and commitment. You have to be loyal and committed to yourself, even in the absence of feeling. Never stop taking care of yourself!

    3704 days ago
  • no profile photo JOURNIJAE
    it does sound like you are in a very uncomfortable place right now, and maybe that's where you need to be... we don't always need to find away to escape but find a way to go through this... pain isn't always bad it can be a time when we revaluate where we are and where we want to be.. sounds like your doing that already.. have you grieved I mean really grieved.. gotten angry or cried.. there is healing in that you know, sometimes we have to allow ourselves the freedom to be where we are and not try to guilt ourselves into thinking we should be doing anything different... what are your views on death, for you is it the end of all things or do you believe that your soul goes on after death, or have you given any thought.. my father used to tell me that we have this life and death thing all backwards we should cry at births and rejoice in death... it depends on how you look at things...I know none of this most likely makes sense to you but it will in time..you can fold and live miserably or you can say...you know what I am going to thankful for the time I had these people in my life and I am going to go out and make the best life ever...for me....you were right we have a time to be born and a time to die... not so important as to what do you do with the time in between... I care about you and if you need to vent or whatever... send me a spark mail... I will listen and hold your hand till the storm passes by....gentle hugs
    3704 days ago
    Sweetie, you sound clinically depressed, and that's not something you can overcome by gritting your teeth or by making happy thoughts. I hope you're seeing someone for this. Depression hurts you, your pets, your friends, and colors everything you see and do. emoticon
    3704 days ago
  • ISLEY2009
    Hi, just wanted u to know SPARkies is the best place to come for advice, and support, I'm always getting lifted up from SP friends' encouraging words. Please DO always keep yourself first and don't beat yourself up when days are cloudy, the sun will come out soon!
    Take care and God bless,
    Kelly emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3704 days ago
  • no profile photo JAESGUY
    We all have been there and I hope this helps in someway ....
    The truth is, positive thinking takes consistent effort. It would be great if we could "fix" our negative thinking once and for all, and never have to worry about it again. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. We have the tendency to form habits around our most common routines, whether physical or mental. In order to change negative thinking into positive thinking, we need to work at it constantly.
    There are two ways to try do this
    Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones - It takes practice, but you can actually catch yourself thinking negative thoughts. Begin to form an awareness of when this happens. When you do notice them, immediately question the thought. Is it really true ... Then form a positive statement that will cancel out the negative one. Every time you come across a negative thought, go through this same inner process. Question the negative thought and then replace it with a positive one.
    Secondly make it a habit to purposely feed your mind positive thoughts each day -- several times a day. Say things like, I am a good person. -- I love my life. -- I'm good at what I do. -- I make my own good luck.-- I choose to be happy. -- and my personal favorite, Everything will be ok
    At first you might not really believe these positive thoughts, and that's okay. Keep at it. Say them as if you really did mean them, and eventually you will begin to believe it. Remember that our negative thinking patterns are a result of years of reinforcement. Changing negative thinking patterns to positive ones takes time.
    Your thoughts become your actions ....
    Good luck and blessings on your journey to good health and wellness and most important you must always love yourself... emoticon
    3704 days ago
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