I Need to Embark On a New Life Journey..........
Sunday, July 26, 2009
My life has been a mess lately. I've been through alot of upheaval & experiences that have left me in a very dark place and I cannot find my way out. These things have opened up alot of dark doors & made me question many things that I thought I had put to rest many years ago. I have not been this low in a very long time. It's made me realize that I have never really found peace & serenity within myself. It's made me question 'loving myself' - do I or don't I. I can't answer that right now. It's something I need to really look at & explore & find out why I am now questioning it. I need to start on a journey of good things & good thoughts & positive actions. I need to get off the negative train of dark thoughts & dark feelings.
Nothing brings me joy lately - not gardening, not reading, not walking, not photography. I do them but without any happiness. They used to bring me good feelings in many ways, relaxed me. They were things I enjoyed doing.
My dogs don't bring me the joy they should. I find myself being very short with them when I shouldn't be. I don't walk them everyday like I used to & this makes me angry at myself & sad for them. My sense of humor is shot - very little makes me laugh. I guess this is the face of depression & how it colors your whole life. But I feel this goes beyond my being depressed - I believe it has led me to question many other things.
I have lost so many people in the last 6mos. to death. Most of them were needless deaths, deaths that could have been avoided. I feel that they died before they should have because of their chosen lifestyles. On the other hand, I know that death's date is set at the moment we are born. It's all there on our individual life slates. The sunrise & the sunset. As much as I understand that, I still feel that they went too soon. None were currently in my life, but all were an important part of it in one way or another & at different times. They all meant very much too me in their own ways. I am having such a hard time accepting their deaths, esp. because they've come one after the other, all in a row, in a few short month's time.
Then one of my best friend's is diagnosed with a terminal illness. She makes 3 in my life who are now on the journey of ending their lives.
I need to find acceptance of all these things & I don't know how to do it. I need to stop concentrating on & thinking of how these deaths & illnesses have impacted my life in such a negative way & start searching for ways to make them ok.
Does anyone know how to do that?